


Strikru

by brunetteandblond



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Clarke Leaves, Clarke was in hiding, Depression, Endgame Clarke Griffin/Lexa, F/F, F/M, Heavy Angst, Lexa Lives, Lincoln Lives, Married Niylah and had kiddos, Pike is still alive, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Set after Season 2, Slow Burn, clarktavia friendship, for a while, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-09-12 13:02:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 55,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16873386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brunetteandblond/pseuds/brunetteandblond
Summary: After Lexa's betrayal and the fall of the Mountain, Clarke went into hiding. She found peace and security with Niylah, a woman who saw her as more than a political weapon. For five years, Clarke had found happiness with her wife and children. But all good things end.Niylah's murdered right in front of her. Clarke and her children are saved by Lexa's people. She is kept under the Commander's protection and has to learn about everything that had changed over the past five years. The war calls on her, but will she become a leader again? Will she let Lexa back in and trust her? And will she get vengeance for her wife's murder?





	1. far away eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, everybody! 
> 
> This is my first The 100 fic! Let me know what you think! Reviews are super awesome!

I saw the light vanish from her eyes as she mouthed my name. I didn’t have to hear any words to know it was my name; for years I memorized the shape her mouth made the word leapt out of it. The life escaped her eyes as the blood flowed from her neck. I heard screams engulf the room, though it took me a while for me to realize they were my own. I held my two children tighter and tried to cover their eyes. No child should have to see their mother murdered right in front of them.

I squeezed and I prepared myself for my last breath. For five years I had been holding the air, knowing this could happen. Knowing that I could be found. And now it was here. And I wasn’t ready. I found so much to live for.

The large man with the bloody machete came toward me. And all I could think about in the last few moments was my wife. Her smile, her warmth, her laugh, her everything. Everything she gave me. Love, our children, my happiness. I almost smiled at the thought of being with her again.

But then he didn’t get to us. He didn’t slaughter me. Instead, I saw him fall back slightly as a knife plunged through his chest. His eyes bulged out as if he was surprised by the blade. I heard him groan and then fall on the ground. My wife’s murderer died in front of me. I felt no satisfaction. Only anger.

“Clarke?” The woman who had just killed the man, called out.

I didn’t look up at her. I stared at my wife’s lifeless body and rocked my children. My three-year-old son started to sob and I didn’t know how to comfort him. My baby girl continued to sleep as if nothing had happened. As if her mother wasn’t just killed.

“Clarke?” The voice called out again.

“She’s in shock,” another voice said. “We need to get her up. There are going to be more of them coming. You know her. Help her.”

“Clarke,” The first voice said as the woman crouched down in front of me. “Let me help you.”

I shook my head. I knew she wanted to carry one of my children. I wouldn’t let her. No, that honor was reserved for my wife. For Niylah. I looked up into the eyes of the woman I had known such a long time ago. She wanted to help. I saw her eyes, they were truly sympathetic.

Octavia Blake killed the man who killed my wife. I hadn’t seen her in five years, but the trust I had for her never left. The man who was standing at the door said more were coming. I would not let my children be killed.

Wobbly, I tried to stand up. I struggled with my crying son and my sleeping daughter, but I would not let them go. No, I wouldn’t let anyone else hold them. Octavia got the message. She didn’t try to help me any longer.

She turned to the man and said, “Let’s go. I’m sorry, Clarke. We don’t have enough time for you to grab your things.”

I looked at Niylah dead on the floor of our own house. She was the only thing I wanted to bring with me. And I couldn’t have her. I was Wanheda after all. Commander of Death. It was only time that the woman I chose to spend my life with would die.

Before I left my home, I whispered, so only Niylah could hear, “Yu gonplei ste odon. Mebi oso na hit choda op nodotaim.”

I followed Octavia out of the small hut we were living in. My home for the last five years. The home I got married in. The home I had birthed two children. The home I loved. The home that was taken from me in only a few minutes.

“Where are we going?” I asked, speaking for the first time as we walked quickly through the woods.

Octavia looked at me with pity laced in her features. “Polis,” She answered simply. “It’s where you can be safe. I’ll explain everything when we get there. Clarke… Clarke, I’m so sorry.”

I bit back my tears and screams and everything else I was feeling at the moment. “She was everything I wasn’t. She loved me for who I was. For being the Commander of Death. She died because of me. I killed her. My wife. The mother of my children.”

“No,” Octavia argued, shaking her head furiously. “You didn’t kill her, Clarke. Skaikru did.”


	2. tiny little fractures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I know things are going to be very confusing, I'm sorry about that. But things will get clearer!
> 
> Words in Trigedasleng are in the endnotes! :)

Octavia told me the man that was traveling with us was Roan, King of Azgeda. She explained that he was of Ice Nation, one of Lexa’s clans. The serious man, whose attention was purely spent on getting us to our destination and keeping us safe, remained very quiet. But it was obvious that he respected Octavia. And vice verses. 

The dark-haired girl tried to express how Lexa regretted leaving us at Mount Weather. How she spent the last five years trying to make up for what she did. That she even let Skaikru be a part of the coalition. But Skaikru ruined it. She didn’t tell me how. Her excuse was that it would take a while to explain.

Octavia said that she now lived in Polis... with Lexa. I could hear the admiration in the way she talked about Lexa. It was obvious that she had gotten close with the Commander. As a warrior and soldier, an ally, and possibly even a friend.

She claimed the Commander took care of her people (including those who were left of Skaikru) the best way she could. She wouldn’t explain to me why Skaikru killed my wife. I didn’t think she felt comfortable enough to. She said that Lexa should be the one to tell me.

“Trust her, Clarke,” She told me when we approached Polis. “She will make sure nothing happens to your children.”

“And you?” I asked, looking at her thoughtfully. “Why did you come for me? I thought you hated me for what I did. Letting the missiles--”

“So much has happened,” Octavia interrupted, holding one hand up as she stopped walking, staring at me intensely. “You did what you had to do. I understand that now. I even understand why you left after what happened at Mount Weather. You did so much good for us, Clarke. You saved us countless times. So stop being stubborn and let us save you now. I know we didn’t get there in time to save Niylah, but let us help you and your children _now_.”

I bit my lip, considering my options. I hadn't relied on anyone besides Niylah for years. I trusted the brunette for what she did for me. So I reluctantly nodded and we kept walking.

Octavia seemed so much older than the last time I saw her. She was stronger, tougher, and a hell of a good fighter. Not that she wasn’t always all of those things. Octavia has always been a warrior. But now, it seemed like she grew into the role. She definitely wasn't a kid anymore. 

There were whispers from the people when we entered the city limits. Apparently, Wanheda was still talked about, even after five years. Niylah told me how many legends were created about me. She liked to tell me them when we laid in her bed. We would laugh and talk about how they would react if they knew the Commander of Death was working at a trading post and was sleeping with a grounder. She always made me laugh.

The high tower was impressive. The guards of the building immediately moved when Roan and Octavia neared. Upon entering the building, I was overwhelmed by the beauty of the tall structure. Polis was a place Lexa admired. I now knew why.

“Thank you, Roan,” Octavia said to the King, who nodded. “I’m going to take Clarke to her room. The Commander should meet us there.”

He bowed slightly before leaving us. I made a mental note of it. A King bowing to a Sky Person. Octavia was  _t_ _hat_ powerful.

She led us to an elevator that took me up multiple flights. My arms were getting tired holding two sleeping children, but the pain felt like nothing. Eventually, she brought me down this hallway and we stopped in front of a large door. When she opened it, I was immediately consumed with awe by the quaint but beautiful room, lit with rows of candles. It didn't seem like the safest place in the world, but it sure was dazzling and impressive.

“Lexa should be here soon,” Octavia muttered to me awkwardly. She seemed like she didn't know exactly what to do. How to comfort me. 

I walked over to the bed and sat down, putting the sleeping kids on a soft blanket. I watched as they slept so soundly and innocently. It brought tears to my eyes. I knew what it was like to have a parent die. I knew exactly how hard it is to recover from it.

“What are their names?” Octavia asked as she approached the bed.

I brushed the blond hair out of my son’s blue eyes and told her, “This is Jakob. And my baby girl, she’s Axia.”

“Beautiful,” Octavia said simply as she sat down next to me. She smiled at them like she was their family. “They’re so alluring. Just like their mom. I have a little girl myself, Aurora. She’s two. Lincoln stays here with her while I-- Lexa.”

My head snapped up and I saw the woman at the door. The woman I used to trust with my life. The woman who betrayed me. The woman I spent months trying to get over. She looked wonderstruck like she couldn’t believe I was alive.

She was still exquisite in every way. Regal, powerful, and slightly vulnerable. And as much as I hated it, that was the first thought that came into my head. 

Octavia stood up and murmured, “I’ll leave you--”

“No!” I shouted, jerking the brunette back almost violently. Both Octavia and Lexa looked confused about what I had yelled out. “Octavia stays,” I clarified more quietly. As odd as it sounded, I wanted her to stay because she was the only person I trusted at the moment.

Lexa nodded and closed the door. “Roan just told me what happened. Clarke, I’m so sorry about your wife. Is there anything I can do?”

I glared at her. I was already tired by all of the apologies. The snarl fell out of my mouth before I could stop myself. “Tell me why the hell my wife was killed in front of my children. Tell me who I need to kill.”

The Commander looked almost torn. Like she didn’t want to tell me. Like she was afraid to tell me, knowing I had vengeance burning in my eyes.

But eventually, she explained, “A lot has changed since you’ve gone into hiding, Clarke. After Maun-de fell, the tension between Skaikru and grounders grew. I didn’t want another war. With Kane and Octavia's help, we tried to prevent more bloodshed. I thought about what we both had desired, Clarke, and I offered Skaikru and Chancellor Kane a place in our coalition as our thirteenth clan. He accepted graciously. But some of Skaikru disagreed. 

“A clan of ours, Ice Nation, lost their faith in me. The leader, Queen Nia, killed many of your people, as she believed that Skaikru didn't belong in our coalition. Some of Skaikru believed that Kane wasn’t a worthy ruler any longer. Under a newly elected leader, Pike, Skaikru massacred 300 of our people. Skaikru split in half. I offered Kane’s followers safety in Polis. The rest of Skaikru remained in Arkadia. They declared war. They haven’t attacked us, knowing Kane brought guns here. But they kill who they can. It’s been hard not to retaliate. But things have changed here. Blood must not have blood.”

I stared at her with disbelief. Not only had the world changed, but Lexa also become a different ruler. Part of me couldn’t help but be proud. She was attempting to create the peace we had once both wanted. But she had also abandoned me at Mount Weather. Before I had to kill hundreds of people and live with the guilt on my own.

“So what does that have to do with me?”

Lexa’s eyes shifted to Octavia for a second before responding. “Wanheda became a legend. But truthfully, most of us believed that you were dead. We spent two years trying to find you. There was even a bounty for you. Everyone wanted to kill the elusive Klark kom Skaikru and take your power. We only stopped searching for you a year ago. We thought… we thought for sure that you had died. And then someone spotted you. Right outside the city, no less. We sent Octavia and Roan to find you. Save you before anyone got to you first. But Skaikru was closer.”

I frowned, not fully understanding. “Why would Skaikru want _me_?”

This time, Octavia spoke. “They thought that if they had you, they could use you. They thought they could convince you they were right and use you as a weapon.”

I snorted and asked, “Why would they ever think that they could convince _me_? You all are my allies. I tried to create peace with Trikru. I would never support killing them. Not without any reason.”

Octavia’s face fell as if what she had to say hurt her. “Pike isn’t the only leader of Skaikru, Clarke. His second in command is my brother. Bellamy is Pike's loyal soldier. They thought he could convince you to join them.”

I gaped at her and shook my head in disbelief. “What? No. He wouldn’t.”

“It’s true,” Lexa muttered gruffly. “He joined Pike when Ice Nation bombed the Mountain.”

“His lover died in there,” Octavia explained, filling in what wasn’t said by Lexa. She looked sympathetic for her brother, but also angry. “We couldn’t let him get to you, Clarke.”

I smiled at my old friend gently, thanking her with my facial expressions. I couldn’t say the words out loud. It wasn't like I was thankful for much of anything else.

I was glad she saved my children. But I didn’t know how to do this without Niylah. Yesterday, my wife and I were laughing at Jakob splashing in puddles. She held my hand as we played with our daughter’s little fingers and toes.

I looked over at Axia as she curled up next to her brother. She looked so much like Niylah. Just looking at her hurt me everywhere. 

There was a knock and the door opened. I stood up, surprised by seeing someone that I had least expected.

“It’s been a while, Princess,” Murphy said with a smirk as he turned to the others. He seemed entertained by the fact that I was in such a shock. A lot had changed. It was like a whole other world here. “The Chancellors are here with the others. Should I lead them here or should we all go down to greet them?”

“Just get Chancellor Griffin, Murphy,” Lexa ordered with an appreciative nod.

Before he left, he turned to me like he was going to say something. But he remained silent. I could see the apology in his eyes. 

I gave him a slight nod and he then exited the room. My attention turned to Jakob who started to move. I put my hand on his cheek, letting him know I was there. He opened his blue eyes and looked around the room. He realized he didn't recognize his surroundings and he seemed startled. For a three-year-old, he was already intuitive and curious, just like his two parents.

“Shhh… baby,” I told him soothingly, pulling him closer to me. “It’s okay. We’re okay.”

He looked up at me like he knew I wasn’t telling him the truth. “Momma, where nomon?”

His question brought tears to my eyes and they fell. I couldn’t hold them in any longer. I looked around the room to find Octavia and Lexa staring at me with apprehension.

I looked down at my son and kissed his forehead. “Nomon is gone, baby. She’s in a better place. The place Nomon and I would tell you about. Sonchahou.”

Jakob recognized the name and wiped away my tears. I couldn’t tell if he completely understood. He was so young, so innocent. Niylah and I tried so hard to not taint our children with the darkness of death. But now it seemed frivolous. I should have known that being the Commander of Death meant I couldn't prevent it from coming into our home and destroying us. I should have known better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you guys think! Should I continue? 
> 
> Maun-de: Mount Weather  
> Nomon: mother  
> Sonchahou: basically means home of the light


	3. harder to breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke sees her mom again for the first time after five years.

The door opened and I became face to face with my mother. She had more scars since the last time I saw her. More age lines. Her hair was grayer and less tidy. Octavia and Lexa quickly left the room, knowing that we needed some time alone. I had forgotten how much I had missed her. Our relationship may have been strained, but that didn’t mean I didn’t love her.

“Clarke…” Mom said as she walked up to me. She reminded me of how she looked when she saw me the first time after she got to Earth. I never truly realized that when I was gone, people thought I was dead. That some people had grieved over me. “I’ve missed you so much. You look so--” She stopped when her eyes diverted to the sleeping children on the bed. “I’m a grandmother?”

I picked up my son and got up from the bed. I turned back to her and found a sort of ache lingering in her eyes. It pained her that this was this first time she was allowed to be introduced to her grandchildren. I let out a short sob and choked out, “I’m so sorry that I left you.”

Immediately, she wrapped her arms around me and Jakob. “Oh, Clarke. It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay.”

A mother’s touch is like no other. She held me and I felt secure. Like I could breathe easier. Eventually, I was able to calm down and I pulled away from her tight and loving embrace. I stared into my mother’s eyes. I expected to find hate in them, after leaving her for so long.

“Niylah and I agreed that we would go to Arkadia,” I admitted shakily. “We... we thought that the bounty was over. We thought... we thought that we could come out in peace. That no one would come for us. She really wanted to meet you, mom. We wanted to--”

“Clarke, I understand what you had to do,” Mom told me as she cupped my cheeks. “I’m just glad that you’re okay. And these little ones. What’s his name?”

She reached for Jakob, but I moved away before she had the chance to pick him up. I wasn’t ready to let him go. I sat back down on the bed and replied, “This is Jakob. Jakob Wells Griffin. And this,” I said, putting my hand on Axia’s head. “This is Axia Rain Griffin.”

“Jakob?” Mom asked, knowing exactly who he was named after you. “Clarke, I’m so proud of you.”

I sniffed and nodded, though I truly disagreed. “Niylah was the one who wanted kids. I told her that we should wait. We were only married for a few months, but Niylah promised that we would be good parents. But now she’s dead because of me.”

“No, Clarke. She’s dead because we’re in a war. A war none of us want to fight in. A lot of people are dead. Mothers, fathers, sons, daughters. Death doesn’t choose only people who have no family. Anyone can die in a war, honey. You know this.”

She was right. As much as anyone can try to avoid death, it finds everyone. From every side of the fight. From soldiers, to warriors, to traders, to mothers.

I let out a sharp breath and whispered, “I don’t want to do this alone.”

“You aren’t alone, Clarke. You don’t have to raise your children on your own. You have me and all your friends that love you. In fact, I brought a lot of them here today. Strikru is looking forward to seeing their leader again.”

“Strikru?”

She smiled and put her hand on Jakob’s head. “Not Skaikru, but not yet Trikru. It’s actually what Skaikru called us as an insult. We’ve taken a liking to it. Do you want to see them? I have Kane, Raven, Monty, and Miller with me.”

I nodded and got up. I picked up both my children, but I could tell that mom wanted to hold one of them.

I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I had to let her know why I was so… reluctant to let her hold them. “No one’s ever held them besides me and Niylah. I’m not-- I’m not ready to let go of them yet. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, Clarke,” She said as put one hand on my cheek once again. “You do not have to apologize to me. I understand. I’m so sorry. I wish-- I wish that you could have stayed in peace with your wife. I’m so sorry that you were dragged into this again. You don’t deserve it.”

As we started to walk, I whispered, “You would have liked her, Mom.”

She smiled and replied,  “Of course I would have. She loved you.”


	4. taste for war

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke sees all her friends again. And she really doesn't want to be there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you guys think! Liking it so far?

I would have to admit that greeting my old friends was very overwhelming. It was good to see them, but I couldn’t help but wish that I wasn’t there. I knew deep down that if I was still with Niylah, I wouldn’t be seeing them again. And now I was here. With people I was once willing to do anything to protect. And it felt _wrong._

They were very apologetic and kind. Raven gave me a bone-crushing hug and expressed how much she had missed me. Kane held me tightly in an almost protective way. I saw the way mom looked at him when he did it. I knew at that moment that they were in love. I was happy for them, but it made me miss Niylah that much more. I knew that she should have been here, meeting them as well.

Monty and Harper hugged me at the same time. They were holding hands and I couldn’t help but notice her stomach. She was obviously pregnant. 

“Your children are beautiful, Clarke,” Harper told me, with this sparkle in her eyes that I could only recognize as something all mother’s shared. It reminded me of Niylah’s sparkle. I nodded and thanked her.

“I’m sorry,” Miller murmured in my ear as he hugged me. “I couldn’t get Bellamy out. I tried--”

“I know,” I told him, gripping his shoulder tightly. “I know you would have done all that you could’ve. He’s stubborn. If he has his mind set on something, no one could have changed his mind.”

“Except you,” Raven pointed out glumly. “He always had a soft spot for you.”

“I'm not even sure Clarke would have been able to change his mind,” Octavia argued darkly as she approached us with a distant look in her eyes. “Bellamy’s beliefs have twisted in such a dangerous way. He’s not the same person he was.”

I shook my head, hating what I was hearing. I missed him in a way. Though that feeling quickly left when I remembered his people killed my wife.

“So what’s the plan?” I asked them. “Are we taking Skaikru out?”

“No,” Lexa said, crossing her arms in a defensive position. I turned to her and saw the anger in her eyes. “Blood must not have blood. We must not kill them unless we have to. Skaikru still has people there that must not believe genocide is the best answer. We have to get to them.”

“How?” I asked, knowing that wasn’t much of a plan.

“By using Wanheda,” Lexa declared. Once she noticed my look of utter dismay and lack of confidence, she added, “You’re the one person we think that could convince any of them that what they are doing is wrong. You are Clarke Griffin. You’re the hero that saved her people from the Mountain. You’re the hero that kept the 100 alive.”

I looked down at my children who were playing on the ground with… Murphy, surprisingly enough. I almost smiled at the sight of him playing a game with them. I loved my children more than anything. I knew Niylah wouldn’t have wanted me to be used as a pawn, but she also wouldn’t have wanted her children to be living in a war I could have helped to have ended.

I turned back to my mother and friends. And Lexa, who was intensely staring, waiting for my reaction.

“The hero you’re all looking for is gone. I’m not Clarke Griffin of the Sky People. Ai laik Klark kom Trikru. Wife of Niylah kom Trikru. Mother of Jakob and Aksia kom Trikru. I left Arkadia to leave the life of war and death. If I couldn’t avoid it before, I won’t be able to avoid it now. I will not allow my children to live in war. I will not put that burden on them. I will not let Skaikru walk away for what they did to my wife. I am not afraid to use violence. My wife’s death will not go down in vain. I will avenge her death.”

Lexa looked like she wanted to argue, but I wouldn’t let her. I didn’t want to talk to her about this. Not tonight. I just wanted to spend some time with my children.

“Octavia, can you take me back to my room? It was so wonderful to see you all again, but I can’t do this. Not yet.”

They all looked like they understood. Murphy passed Jakob and Axia back to me. I mouthed ‘thank you’ and then turned back to Octavia. She led me back to my room.

“Do you want to meet Aurora? I’m sure Lincoln would love to see you. Aurora will finally have some company that isn’t adults.”

I followed Octavia to her room, which didn’t much seem like a coincidence that it was next door to mine. She opened the door and I felt a warmth in the room. I noticed the look Lincoln portrayed once he saw Octavia. His face depicted complete devotion and love. It was a similar look that Niylah and I shared. His eyes moved to me and he smiled.

“Clarke, it’s good to see you again. Octavia told me you have two little ones. Aurora is sleeping. But I’m sure she’ll want to meet her aunt.”

I walked up to the crib and saw the gorgeous and charming girl. She looked quite different than Axia. She had darker skin and almost jet black hair. She was an obvious production of Octavia and Lincoln.

“She’s beautiful,” I told them, looking at the baby sleep. “She looks just like you two.” I looked down and saw Jakob look at Aurora with awe. “That’s your cousin Aurora, Jakob. Doesn’t she look beautiful?”

Jakob smiled, clapped his hands, and shouted, “Aura!”

The rest of us adults laughed along with him. For a second, the happy moment filled the emptiness in my body. Seeing my son so happy, it almost made everything feel okay. That feeling soon vanished as fast as it came.

“Clarke,” Lincoln said as if he wasn’t sure he should say it. “I met Niylah once. We were children. I went to the Trading Post to buy a sword. Just eleven years old, I met the young fiery girl.” He chuckled at the thought of her. “When I tried to pay her for a sword, she glared at me. She told me that there were better ways to fight rather than with physical violence. Niylah changed me that day, and she probably didn’t even know it.”

Tears fell down my cheeks at the story Lincoln told me. “That sounds so much like her. She hated violence. She wanted Jakob and Axia to grow up in a world without war.”

“That sounds like the world Lexa is trying to create,” Octavia commented as she put a hand on my shoulder comfortingly. “And that’s all thanks to you.”

“How do we fix this?” I asked them, staring at all our children. “How do we make this world good enough for our kids?”

Octavia sighed and answered, “We start with changing what our ancestors did. We end the cycle of violence through peace. I want what you want, Clarke. And so does Lexa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> The next chapter is the first Clexa alone moment :)


	5. i forgot how to sleep without you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke talk one on one. 
> 
> Octavia has a confession to make.

After Octavia helped me set up a crib for Axia, she went off to bed. She hugged me before she went to her own room. It was strange embracing her. It wasn’t something we would have done on a normal basis five years ago. But now it almost seemed natural.

When I went to my room to sleep, I realized that everyone else must have already been asleep. Everything was completely silent. I sat down on my bed after I tucked Jakob and Axia in. I laid down, but sleep seemed impossible. I hadn’t slept without Niylah in years. She was the one that could calm me through a nightmare. She was the one that held me throughout the night.

I got up as silently as I could, to not wake up Jakob. I grabbed a candle, a charcoal pencil, and paper. I opened the door but I wouldn’t leave my room. Instead, I sat at the door frame and started to draw the features of the tower.

“Clarke,” A voice called out from across the hallway. In the dark, Lexa’s eyes glowed. She gradually approached me and sat down, leaving plenty of space between us. “You won’t sleep?”

“Can’t,” I corrected her solemnly. “I haven’t slept alone in such a long time.”

She nodded like she understood. “I blame myself for what happened, Clarke. If I hadn’t abandoned you at Mount Weather, if I had found you earlier, if I had sent Octavia and Roan to help you sooner… I’m sorry.”

I stared at her with surprise. I knew that Lexa wasn’t just a Commander. She was more than that. She was a warrior, a leader. She wasn’t just brawns. She was kind and loved by her people. And in the end, I knew that I couldn’t blame her for everything. She did what she thought was best for her people. Like I did.

“You did what you thought you had to do. Can’t really blame you for that. Besides, I was probably going to leave either way. I couldn’t handle it anymore. Being a leader and having all the pressure from that. I couldn't handle the burdens that I had to carry. You always saw more of a leader in me than there really was.”

Her jaw twitched and her stare intensified. “I could say the same about what you used to think of me, Clarke. I know that our situations differ. Niylah was your wife, the mother of your children. Costia was only a lover--”

“Losing the love of your life is hard for everyone,” I interrupted, not wanting her to finish that sentence. Not wanting to continue this subject, I asked her, “Why can’t you sleep?”

She stared at the flame from the candle I was holding. “As a Commander, I’ve done things that go against my morals. Things that I hated doing. Things that haunt me. But it’s the previous Commanders that keep me awake at night. They don’t like ‘blood must not have blood.’”

“What you’re doing, keeping my people safe, trying to end the violence, it’s admirable.”

Her eyes traveled but then found mine again. I couldn’t depict her emotions. Her walls were always so strong. “You changed that way I think about things, Clarke. I’ve been working with Kane and Octavia for a while. We hope that we are making things better.”

“And you have,” I told her seriously. “You have created an alliance between people from the ground and people from the sky. You taught them how to live together. You have created a better and safer world. And after we end Skaikru…”

“Stop Skaikru,” She corrected.

I almost rolled my eyes. There was no stopping these people without violence.

It was as if she knew what I was thinking when she added, “I hope that one day, you will be able to trust me again, Clarke. What I did five years ago was unforgivable. I will be trying to make it up to you for years to come. I swear to you, Klark kom… Trikru, I will spend my life protecting your children. As if it were my duty.”

The vow was unexpected. I opened my mouth but then closed it. I had no more words for her. 

* * *

_Niylah’s laugh was contagious. It took me months to hear that first dark chuckle, but once I did, I only knew that I wanted to hear more of it._

_Axia spit out the fish we gave her, and her laugh bounced around the room. I felt the sides of my mouth curl up into a smile._

_She was about to say something when we heard loud footsteps approach the door. Her face became serious. As if she could predict what would happen next, she got up from the table and muttered, “Grab the kids. I’ll fend them off. Clarke, go.”_

_Immediately, I followed her orders and picked up both my son and daughter, as we had planned years ago._

_The door flew open and almost as if it was slow motion, I watched as the huge man threw a dagger and pierce my wife’s flesh. Her eyes never left mine._

_My wife’s murderer then turned to me with this sickening darkness in his eyes. He was almost the size of the door and I knew there was no escaping. I fell to my knees, knowing this was the end. That I had the same fate as the woman I lived with for five years._

_Screams sprang from my body and I..._

I woke up with sweat covering my entire body. Shakily, I brushed my short hair behind my ears. I tried to take deep breaths, remembering how Niylah helped me with my nightmares when we first got together. This was my first nightmare in a few years.

I didn’t remember the moment I fell asleep. I didn’t even think it would be possible with the images that were running in my head. I guessed that I must have passed out from overwhelming tiredness.

My attention turned to my daughter who started to cry.

“Shhh…” I whispered and gently got out of bed to not wake up Jakob. I walked over to the crib. “It’s okay, ai fyucha gada. I’m here.”

Axia gradually stopped crying and I was grateful. The last thing I wanted was for her to wake up her brother who was sleeping so gracefully on the big bed.

There was a knock at the door and I jumped. I wasn’t used to the sound anymore. No one ever came to the house I had lived in for years.

“Who is it?”

“Octavia.”

“Come in,” I called out, without any hesitation.

The brunette entered the room wearing what seemed like a tank top, but with a slight variation closer to the style of those of the grounders. I could see all that tattoos that traced her body. They were beautiful on her.

“Clarke,” Octavia greeted as she sat down next to me. “How are you doing? Get any sleep?”

“Some,” I replied slowly, not knowing how much to reveal.

Octavia looked glad at that. But then she got all serious. “Listen, Clarke. There’s something I have to tell you. And Heda… she doesn’t exactly know.”

I raised an eyebrow at her, surprised that she would ever keep something from the woman she seemed completely loyal to. “Okay…”

Octavia took a deep breath and confessed, “I have a radio that could connect us to Bellamy. I’ve never actually _attempted_ to talk to him, but we could. Raven set it up for us when Skaikru split. It was for sibling emergencies. And right about now you must be thinking I’m fucked up for even having it, right?”

Anger flashed through my bones when she mentioned her brother’s name, but I immediately shook away the rage for the man I had once thought so highly of. I shook my head. “Not fucked up. Not at all. He’s your brother. And you’ve never used it…”

“But I was thinking. Maybe if we used it to plan a secret meeting with just him… we can get him to go against Pike. He might listen to you.”

I stared at her with slight disbelief. Bellamy and I understood each other, but I never felt like I could persuade him to do anything he didn’t want to do. He was too stubborn. Like me. Only Niylah could convince me to do something I didn’t want to do. Well, Niylah and Le-- 

I turned my thoughts back to Bellamy. “And you think I could convince him to what? Join us? Kill Pike? Spy?”

Octavia shrugged with uncertainty. “I don’t know. _Something._ There’s gotta be something good inside of him left. Deep down he must know what he’s doing is wrong. And with what his people did to you…”

I flinched. I still didn’t want to think about Bellamy being a part of the people that killed my wife.

“Why doesn’t Lexa know?” I asked her with curiosity.

The brunette bit her lip and admitted, “I don’t want to disappoint her. When she lifted the ban off of Lincoln and showed us that she cared about our people, we barely hesitated to join her. She’s done everything she can to keep us safe. And if she finds out about Bellamy, I don’t want her to think I’m not loyal to her. Because I am.”

She was being honest. That was obvious.

“So what’s the plan? We try to talk to him and ask to meet? What if he takes his army? What if he wants to take me?”

“I don’t know,” Octavia whispered, looking slightly embarrassed. “What are our other options?”

A thought immediately entered my head and I blurted, “We end Skaikru for good.”

I watched as a breath escape her mouth. “I know you want justice, Clarke. But the answer isn’t to kill them all. Lexa’s been fighting other clans about that for years. They have weapons. They could kill lots of our people.”

I sighed, remembering that times had changed. That war was no longer the priority here anymore. That they started thinking like I used to.

Changing the subject, I suggested, “Let’s talk to Lexa. I can’t promise that she won’t be angry with you, but she would know the best way to handle this.” 

It was kind of a lie. I wanted Lexa to tell Octavia that meeting Bellamy would be a bad plan. I wanted someone to agree with me that making peace with these people couldn't be an option. That we needed to end them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ai fyucha gada = my baby girl


	6. feeling angry is better than feeling nothing at all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke talks about Bellamy with Octavia and Lexa. 
> 
> Raven and Clarke catch up.

Octavia eventually gave in and we both decided to talk to the Commander as soon as possible.

“Do you want to eat first?” She asked me as I picked up both kids and we walked to her room to drop them off with Lincoln. “Did you eat last night? You must be starving.”

Niylah’s smoked fish came to my head, but I quickly shook away the thought. “I’m fine. Let’s talk to her first.”

Lincoln was excited that he got to take care of two more kids. He seemed like the perfect father. I almost smiled at him trying to have a conversation with Jakob when most of my son’s words are nonsensical and a mix of English and Trigedasleng.

“Thank you, Lincoln,” I told him, still a little worried about leaving them with him.

He noticed my concern and replied, “I’ll get you if anything happens. But I’ll protect them with my life. I can promise that to you.”

He had my trust, so I accepted his statement and followed the brunette out of the room. Wherever we were going was far away, but I enjoyed the journey of the high tower. The building was exquisite in every way possible.

“Stone,” She greeted the guard in front of the room we were approaching. “Is Heda available?”

He nodded and stepped aside, but never kept his eyes off of me. I couldn’t tell if he didn’t trust me or if he couldn’t believe that I was really here.

We entered the room and could immediately tell that this was some sort of office. It screamed Lexa with all of the old weapons, books, and candles.

Lexa was staring down at a map when she looked up and noticed we entered her room. “Octavia, th--” her green eyes bounced from my friend to me in a flash of a second. “Clarke. How are you?”

I crossed my arms. I didn’t come here to talk about myself. “Fine. Octavia and I have something we would like to discuss with you.”

She shifted her attention slightly toward the brunette, who suddenly looked uncomfortable.

“Heda, I’ve never used it, but I have a radio that could connect me to my brother. Clarke and I discussed whether we could use it so that we could set up a meeting with him. To try to talk to him out of this madness.” She lowered her head as if she was ashamed by what she told her leader.

If Lexa was angry, she hid it well. She blinked a few times before replying, “I see. And what do you think of this plan, Clarke? Do you think it could work? Do you think you could convince Bellamy Blake that he chose the wrong side?”

Fire rose up inside and I snarled, “Personally I want to destroy all of Skaikru. Octavia wants to have a conversation with him. I want to control him. Take him and keep him as a hostage, if we have to.”

She looked surprised that I was so enraged. “So how do I know if I let you meet him you won’t kill him on the spot, Clarke? If your heart is so intent on vengeance.”

I felt my hands curl up into fists. “Because Bellamy Blake is a little fish, _Commander_. And I want Pike’s blood. And if I can use him to get Pike, it’ll be worth it.”

Lexa turned back to Octavia and asked, “How do you plan on asking him? Will you ask him to meet alone? Without weapons? How can we be sure that he will follow orders?”

“He won’t hurt me,” Octavia murmured slowly. “He wouldn’t hurt Clarke either. And if he brings people with him, we’ll take care of them.”

“And if he says no?” Lexa questioned. “If you meet your brother and he won’t agree to anything?”

Before Octavia could reply, I said, “He’ll meet my sword.”

I felt my friend’s horrified stare at me, but I refused to look at her. My eyes locked with Lexa’s and I refused to stand down. I watched as concern, agitation, and fear entered her eyes.

“Octavia, leave us.”

She hesitated but followed her Commander’s orders.

Lexa was silent for a second before saying, “I don’t like your bloodthirst. We aren’t the same people we were five years ago, Clarke. I’m not the same leader. I’ve learned that there is more than just war and killing as a leader. You taught me that.”

“I was _wrong,_ ” I spat out, feeling blood rush to my head. “I left a life of killing and it still followed me. My wife is dead. And I’m _Wanheda._ I command death, Lexa. So I’m sorry if I don’t have much faith in your ‘no attacking’ and ‘hope for the best’ strategy.”

She barely reacted to what I said. I couldn’t depict the emotion that her face showed for less than a second. Instead, she walked up to me so that we were face to face.

“I betrayed you long ago, Clarke. I told you that I would make up for it. Believe me, I want justice, too. But not this way. At one point you believed in me--”

“That was before you betrayed me, _Heda._ ” And with that, I left her, not wanting to talk about the past any longer. I had no reason to dwell on what had happened between the both of us.

I opened the door to find Raven leaning against the opposite wall as if she were waiting for me.

“Ah, Griffin. I heard you haven’t eaten yet. Lucky enough for you, I know what exactly to avoid here. And I can show you what I’ve been working on.”

I glared at her and muttered, “Did Octavia put you up to this?”

Raven shrugged as if she didn’t give a shit. “She’s worried about you. We all are. But you probably don’t want to hear about that. Come on, Clarke. Just follow me. You need to think about something else.”

I sighed, hating that she was right. I followed her down another long hallway to a large room. Sort of like a dining hall.

Raven got into a line, picked up a tray, and chose different foods without even consulting me. She then led me to a small table where no one else was seated.

“Here you go.” She passed me the tray and watched me intensely.

Just to keep her from bugging me, I started picking at the bread.

“So, the violence thing you were talking about last night, you serious about that? Because that doesn’t sound like the Clarke Griffin we all know and love.”

I swallowed and hoped that the food wouldn’t come back up. “I haven’t been that person in a while, Raven.”

She narrowed her eyes at me and said, “Maybe you want to think that, Princess. But in the end, I think you’re the same person you always have been. You’re just seeing red right now. And that’s fine. You have every right to. You’re grieving. But then you need to get it through your head that things are different. And everything has been changing for the better.”

Before I could stop myself, I said, “Since when did you become a Lexa follower? Thought you weren’t a big fan after she tortured you.”

Raven’s eyes darkened and she retorted, “I forgave you for killing Finn, didn’t I? Besides, she’s shown me that she’s changed. She leads like you do, Clarke. I don’t know why, but you changed her. There were rumors of course--”

“I don’t want to hear them,” I interrupted with a hiss.

“And I don’t believe them. But that’s not my point. I know you really want some Skaikru blood right now, but you need to trust the Commander. She’s been in this war a lot longer than you.”

I took a deep breath and nodded. If Raven forgave the woman that tortured her and ordered Finn’s death, maybe I was being too harsh on her. She was the woman who saved me and my children after all. 

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, knowing that I was taking my anger out on her. “I just-- I tried so hard to escape death. And once I finally felt free, Skaikru took it away from me. I’m angry.”

“We’re all angry. We have all lost someone. But trust me. Killing isn’t the answer. I truly think that talking to Bellamy might work.”

I raised an eyebrow at her and asked, “Octavia told you?”

She smirked and answered, “Not exactly. But I’m a genius, remember? Now finish your food. I’m going to show you what I’ve been working on. I’ve been trying to power up Polis. Though, part of me thinks that Lexa doesn’t want me to so that she can keep her weird obsession with candles around.”

I almost laughed. Talking with Raven almost made it feel like things hadn't changed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, everyone! Keep letting me know what you think!


	7. i've got ghosts in my head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke learns why Murphy lives in Polis and he gives her a different perspective of the decision she has to make.

Exploring the high tower kept some of my thoughts at bay. But I couldn’t help but think about what Niylah’s reactions would be if she saw the impressive structure in front of me. There was so much happening in the building, it was hard to take everything in.

I had leaned into a room where Lexa was training kids and teenagers. She looked passionate, tough, and kind. It was the version of Lexa I thought that only I was allowed to see long ago. But then I realized that most people now knew her better than I ever had.

“Well, well, well,” A voice called out from behind me as I walked toward the front door. I turned around to find Murphy smirking at me. “Princess, are you roaming your kingdom?”

“ _My_ kingdom, Murphy? I just got here. This is Le-- the Commander’s.”

He shrugged and replied, “You’ve been here for a while. Everyone knows that Heda rules like Clarke Griffin would. Kinda an unspoken thing.”

I rolled my eyes and muttered, “What are you doing here, Murphy? You aren’t the kind of guy to follow the Commander’s orders let alone live with others civilly.”

I watched as his eyes became darker and sadder for a second before bouncing back to his swaggery self. “I’m hurt, Princess, that you think so low of me. Times have changed if you hadn’t noticed. Come on. Follow me.”

He started walking in a direction and didn’t wait to see if I was going to follow him. I shrugged and decided to let him lead me somewhere. It was better than walking aimlessly, not knowing where I was going.

“Jupiter,” Murphy greeted to a random woman standing over a crib when he opened a door. The room was smaller than mine, but it was obvious it was more lived in. There were clothes spread out all over the floor. “Can you give us the room please?”

The woman nodded and immediately left the room. I remained near the door, not knowing where exactly I should stand.

He walked over to the crib and picked up the small baby in the crib. I gravitated toward him, knowing immediately that this child was his. I frowned once I got a closer look at the baby in his arms. I didn’t have to have medical training to know that the young one was breathing not… right.

“She was born premature,” Murphy whispered, cradling his daughter close to him. “Her heart wasn’t fully formed correctly. She’s survived longer than anyone expected. Just like her father.”

I reached out and put my hand on his daughter’s dark hair. I didn’t say anything. I wanted him to tell me what he felt like he needed to.

“Emori blamed herself,” Murphy choked out, his voice becoming shakier by the second. “After Maia was born, Emori left Polis to clear her head. Skaikru took her. They offered a trade. Emori for half of our guns. I was sure that I would have to go get her myself. But the Commander accepted their offer. But then Skaikru did what Skaikru does best. They shoved their honor up their asses and kept her. They either still have her or she’s dead.”

I felt my throat close up, understanding exactly how he was feeling. And now I understood why he trusted Lexa and stayed.

“I’m so--”

“I don’t want your pity, Clarke. I’ve heard the rumors. They want to set up a peaceful meeting between you and Bellamy. But _you’re_ the one that’s against it. You want to attack first and talk later. I get it. Of course,  _I_ get it. I might have even agreed with you a year ago. But we both know Emori would be collateral damage, Clarke. She and the other prisoners there. So if there’s a chance we could solve this peacefully, we need to try that first.”

He was right. As much as I hated it, John Murphy was right and I was wrong. I was ready to take an army to Arkadia and kill everyone in my way. But I forgot that not all of those people may be evil. Some might not agree with Pike. Hell, some might even be Pike’s prisoners. And they deserve the chance to get out alive and prove to us that they aren't loyal to him.

“Okay,” I muttered tentatively. “I’ll talk to Octavia and Lexa. And I’ll make sure to ask Bellamy about her, okay? If she’s alive, we will get her back.”

He nodded and a grin slowly appeared on his face. “It’s like you never left, Princess. You’re still the same you. Deep down.”

I opened my mouth to argue with him, but I soon closed my mouth. There was no use arguing with him. Especially when I started wondering myself if he was right.

* * *

“Clarke!” Jackson called out as I approached this long hallway on the bottom floor. He jogged toward me and wrapped his arms around me awkwardly.

“Jackson, it’s good to see you,” I told him once we pulled apart.

“It’s good to see you too, Clarke. We’ve been hoping for years to see you again. It hasn’t really been the same without you. And of course, your mom misses you. Nate always said that you would come back. And now I’m rambling. Uh… were you looking for your mom?”

I wasn’t, but it’d be easier to tell him that I was so that I didn’t have to continue standing there awkwardly not knowing what to say.

“Yeah, yeah I was. Is the medbay around here?”

He nodded and replied, “Yeah. I’ll take you to her. I think it’s her shift, but it might be Nyko’s. If she isn’t there we can just go to Kane’s ro--” He paused and stopped, realizing that he probably just revealed too much information.

I was almost entertained by the fear that entered his eyes. “It’s fine, Jackson. I know. She didn’t exactly tell me, but it was pretty obvious.”

He gave me a grateful smile before he opened the door. I almost sighed from relief when I saw my mom hovering over a cot and patient.

“Mom,” I called out, feeling a little out of place in a room full of sick patients that in another world I would have been helping.

Mom turned to me and smiled. “Jackson, can you take over for a few minutes?”

He nodded and my mother led me out of the room to another long hallway that I didn’t recognize. We stopped and sat down in this small corner.

“So…” I muttered once we were finally alone. “I probably shouldn’t have interrupted your job. It’s just that-- I didn’t know exactly what to do. This all feels… surreal still.”

“That’s understandable,” She replied warmly. She reminded me of the mother I had before I was imprisoned on the Ark. Before every single bad thing happened. When I was still just a kid. “You’ve only been here for a day. Though, I hear the Commander’s already working on you. I wish she would just leave you alone.”

I almost chuckled, feeling a familiarity with this situation. My mother always hated Lexa. I was almost glad that didn’t change when everything else seemed to have.

“She’s trying to save her people,” I commented and leaned up against the wall. “Can’t blame her for that. Besides, she’s right. You know I have to do this again, don’t you?”

She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “You’re home for one day and you’re already a leader again. I hope that when this is all over you can be who you want to be, Clarke. No one deserves that more than you.”

I didn’t know how to reply to that. I hadn’t been anything besides a leader on the ground. Sure, I was a wife and mother. But what else was there?

To change the subject, I said, “So… you and Kane?”

I felt her tense up next to me. Like she was afraid of my reaction to their relationship. She whispered, “He will never replace your father, Clarke. But I love him. He’s been good to me. And I’d understand if you weren’t--”

“Mom, it’s fine,” I interrupted and put my hand on hers. “I’m glad he makes you happy. You deserve that.”

She smiled and brushed my hair behind my ear. “You’re so much older, Clarke. Is it the war that made you older or your family?”

“Both,” I confessed. “War made me grow up. But Niylah, the kids, they did everything else. Niylah, she was older, she used to make fun of me for being younger. She treated me like I needed protecting. No one ever did that before. She took me under her wing and kept me safe. She--” I stopped once I realized that I was talking too much. I wasn’t ready to talk about her yet. She was mine. She was all that I had. I didn’t want anyone else to have that. Not yet.

“It’s okay, Clarke. You can talk about her. You should let it out.”

I felt a twinge of anger rise up inside of me and I didn’t know why it was there.

“I should go,” I said as I got up suddenly, causing my mother to raise her eyebrows in surprise. She was expecting me to tell her everything and cry my heart out. That wasn’t me. That never had been me. “I have to go meet with Octavia and Lexa.”

“Right now?” She asked, looking extremely disappointed.

I nodded. It wasn’t technically a lie…

“Yeah. I’ll see you later, though. I promise. I’ll bring Jakob and Axia to you. They need to get to know their grandmother, right?”

That easily brought a smile to her face like I knew it would. “Of course! Bring them by whenever you want! And my room--”

“Is Kane’s room. I heard. I’ll see you later, mom.”

I walked away as fast as I could. My breathing became shallow and I had to stop. I almost collapsed as I felt the room start to spin.

_“It’s okay, Clarke. Breathe, Clarke. I’ve got you.”_

I jumped up, hearing her voice. I looked around but didn’t see anyone around me. Especially Niylah, whose voice I heard in my head. I brushed my fingertips over the tattoo on my forearm she gave me for our bonding ceremony. I tried to physically shake the ghosts out of my head and hoped that I wasn’t going crazy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, y'all! Keep letting me know what you think!


	8. own worst enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke lets Octavia and Lexa know that she's changed her mind. She and O meet up with Bellamy Blake.

Lexa, with her perfect posture and striking stance, stood in front of her throne and stared at me, waiting for me to explain why I had called for this small meeting. I then turned to Octavia, who impatiently crossed her arms and raised her eyebrows at me.

“So, I’ve been thinking about it,” I told them as I picked at my sleeves, feeling uncomfortable. “I’ve decided that you both are right. I’ll meet with Bellamy. And I won’t kill him or hurt him or whatever. I promise.”

The two women shared a look of relief.

“That’s great, Clarke,” Octavia said with a grateful smile. “I’ll go get the radio and Raven. She knows how to work it.”

Before I could even get a word in, the dark-haired woman ran off, presumably to her room or wherever she hid the tech.

“I’m surprised by your change of heart,” Lexa muttered as if she was suspicious of me. “Can I ask what made you change your mind?”

I glared at her, angry that she wanted me to explain myself. “I talked with Murphy. He made me realize that there were some people in Arkadia worth saving.”

“And Bellamy Blake?”

I narrowed my eyes at her. She was trying to see through me. And it was working.

“Bellamy Blake is guilty, Commander. And even if he helps us, I won’t forget that. But he’s not the only enemy. So I will not kill him. Or torture him. Or take him as a hostage.”

She nodded as if my answer had somehow convinced her that I was in the right enough mind to speak with my old friend.

“Octavia will go with you,” Lexa ordered calmly. “I trust her judgment. Even if Bellamy is her brother. You two will hopefully balance each other out. But I’m glad to see you have come to your senses.”

“Lexa,” I muttered and walked closer to her, to make sure no one else could hear if they were listening in. When I got close enough that I could almost hear her heartbeat, I added, “Pike is going to be  _mine_. There is no punishment for him besides death. Can you promise me that?”

She stared at me stoically. If I pulled an emotional chord, I wouldn’t have even noticed. “Vengeance isn’t going to bring Niylah back from the dead.”

“No,” I agreed, feeling her slightly tense up in front of me. “No, it won’t. But I won't let her death be meaningless. And killing a dictator… maybe that’ll give some reason to this whole thing.”

“Blood must not have--”

“I’m not telling you to have a killing ceremony or anything like that. I’m just telling you to not get in my way. Because if I have a clear shot, Lexa. I’m taking it. And I won’t let anyone stand in my way.”

She didn’t even have a chance to respond since the doors opened again and Octavia and Raven entered with determined looks on both of their faces.

“I sent him the signal,” Raven said once she and Octavia approached us. “He should respond any time now.”

“Octavia,” Lexa commanded. “You’re going to be the only one to talk to him. You can’t let Bellamy know that Clarke is working with us. He has to think that you’re the only one that is going to meet him. Make sure there that you tell him no weapons and for him to come alone.”

The warrior hid an eye roll and Clarke almost smirked. Sometimes Lexa forgot that other people knew what they were doing.

 _“Octavia?”_ The voice from the radio called out. _“O, it’s Bellamy. I’m alone. Are you okay? What’s wrong?”_

Octavia took a deep breath and spoke into the radio, “We need to meet. I have something to tell you. But it’s not something I can say over the radio.”

He remained silent for a second before responding, _“O, are you in trouble? I can get you out of there. I can convince Pike to let you in with us. He can be understanding and forgiving.”_

This time, Octavia didn’t hide the eye roll. “I don’t think I’m in trouble. But I’m getting more anxious about this place. Please, I don’t feel like I can talk about this with you when I’m in a building with other people. Let’s meet. Just the two of us.”

_“Yeah, of course. Where do you want to meet?”_

Octavia grinned and tried to hide her excitement when she asked, “Remember the cave we spent a few days in five years ago?”

_“I do. Three hours sound good to you?”_

“Three hours is perfect. And Bell, I know that I don’t have to say this, but so that we are both on the same page, no weapons.”

Once again, all we could hear was his breathing before he replied, _“Of course, O. I’m your brother. I won’t hurt you. I’ll see you in three hours, okay? Someone’s coming. Stay safe.”_ And then he was gone.

Lexa nodded as if she was impressed by the younger woman. “Excellent job, Octavia. Where is this cave? How far away is it?”

“About a two-hour walk. Clarke and I should leave in a little while if we want to get there before him.”

The three of us nodded and Raven added, “I’ve been working on something that might help us out. A microscopic audio and tracker.” She passed the small chip to me. I then passed it to Octavia and Lexa. “If Bellamy doesn’t agree to help us, maybe he could help us out without him knowing.”

I was impressed but not surprised. I was used to Raven Reyes saving the day.

“Damn, Reyes. Color me impressed,” Octavia murmured with a grin. “How could we get on without you?”

“I’ve been wondering that myself lately,” Lexa admitted, not even trying to conceal her smile. Raven’s genius had that effect on people. But the emotion only lasted a few seconds. She immediately returned to her serious state and said, “We’ll watch after you two. I’ll send some reinforcements to make sure that Bellamy comes alone. If they find out that he is armed or others joined him, then they’ll get you out of there.”

Octavia and I shared a look before nodding. We were hoping that all of these backups weren’t going to be necessary.

* * *

“When’s the last time you have seen Bellamy?” I asked Octavia once we finally reached the small cave and sat down. My legs were tired, but the time went by faster than I thought. We spent the journey discussing our children. She never once forced me to talk about Niylah which I was grateful for.

Octavia sighed and started to rub her hands together anxiously. “Three years ago. Pike took over shortly after Mount Weather. It took a while for Skaikru to split, but with Lexa’s help, we were allowed a safe place we could escape to. If we didn’t have that… this situation would be very different. I don’t know if anyone would have left Pike. Once there was the official split, our communication was cut off. Not that I’ve wanted to talk to him.”

I bit my tongue, knowing that I wanted to rant about his bad decisions. I was about to say something about tactics, but then we heard the sound of crinkling leaves. Footsteps.

Bellamy looked older. But it wasn’t just his beard that made him look different. He was pale and looked beyond exhausted.

“Bell…” Octavia muttered as she approached him.

He didn’t even notice that I was there. He walked up to his sister with complete awe in his eyes. Once they stood a foot apart, he said, “O… are you okay? Did they do something to you?”

She shook her head but then turned to look at me as if she didn't have the words to explain it herself.

Bellamy’s eyes followed hers and he finally saw me. His jaw dropped slightly and he walked toward me. Once he was close enough to touch, he opened his arms as if he expected a hug. Disgusted, I pushed him away.

He looked confused and hurt. “Clarke?”

“I’m not here to catch up like old friends, _Bellamy,_ ” I sneered feeling the urge to throw up. “Your people killed my wife.”

He flinched away and anger passed through his body. He looked offended that I referred to Niylah as my wife.

“That was _unfortunate_ , sure,” Bellamy grimaced through his teeth. “But we had no idea you were married to a grounder for god sakes. We thought that you were her hostage or something like that. It was a rescue, plan. Our people wanted to save you.”

I felt rage surge my body. I started walking closer to him and he began to back up. “Save me? Is that what you thought you were doing when you captured Murphy’s wife? Is she even still alive?”

He shook his head and muttered, “She’s a grounder, Clarke. We’re not savages like they are. She’s still alive. But I can’t promise that she’ll stay that way for long.”

“What the hell is wrong with you? Not all grounders are bad, Bellamy. You used to know and believe that. And my wife, she was the mother of my children, Bellamy. And _your_ people killed her. I haven’t been your people for years. If I was, I wouldn’t have let Pike survive.”

He tensed up and his hands curled up into fists. I could see Octavia trudge closer to us in the background as if she was getting ready to separate us.

“What’s wrong with _me_? What’s wrong with _you?_ Marrying a grounder? Having kids with them? You were more distrustful of them than I was.”

“But then I got over it and realized that they were more like us than we ever thought,” I argued, getting annoyed by his nonsensical statements. “We were on the same page, Bell. When we killed everyone in Mount Weather, it was to save our people from homicidal maniacs. What’s the difference between them and what you’re doing?”

He waved his hands up in the air, and instinctively I almost reached for the weapon I wasn’t supposed to have. “We were saving _our_ people, Clarke. Because Lexa abandoned us if you remember that. And then, they blew up the Mountain with _our_ people in it.”

“That was Azgeda--” Octavia tried to chip in.

“They’re all the same! All of them!”

I almost lunged at his throat. “Not my wife! She was a pacifist, Bellamy. She’d do anything to stop the fighting. Did she deserve to die? I know you lost your girlfriend, Bellamy. But does that mean my wife deserved to die? Is that who you are now? Is that what you believe in? One person for another? Until what? We’re all dead?”

He shook his head as if what I was saying was blasphemous. “They don’t care about us, Clarke. They care about power. And they haven’t killed you all yet because they have power over you all. You’re the Commander’s subjects and you know it.”

“What happened to you? I used to understand you, Bellamy. I mean, sure. You were reckless and stubborn and ruled by your heart, but at least you had one then. Now, what are you? Pike’s faithful soldier boy who can’t think for himself?”

He snorted and growled out, “At least I didn’t get seduced by a fucking grounder--”

That was it. My knife was on his throat and I was a second away from cutting it. But the fear in his eyes… It reminded me of the fear in my wife’s when she realized the dagger was inside of her. I slid the tracker into his pocket and then pushed him away.

He rubbed his throat and let out a sharp breath of air. He turned around to find Octavia on edge, but not looking sympathetic to him in the slightest.

“O… stop her. You know this isn’t right.”

She shook her head as tears spilled out of her eyes. “I believed in you, Bell. You’re my big brother. I thought you’d at least see that what you were doing was wrong. Your people killed Clarke’s wife, Bellamy. And you just don’t care? You’re not even _you_ anymore.” Octavia grabbed the radio out of her pocket and threw it at the wall, smashing it. “You’re not even my brother anymore. I’m ashamed of you.”

“Fine. Then it’ll be war. And I won’t hesitate to pull the trigger. On either of you.” He then walked away, leaving the cave full of emptiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Intense chapter. Let me know what you think!


	9. restraint & release

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Octavia tell the rest of the crew what happened.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered to the brunette as we walked back to Polis. “I shouldn’t have gotten so violent.”

She sighed and shook her head. She hadn’t said anything since we left and it worried me. “Don’t apologize. I don’t blame you. There was no way he was going to help us. I thought-- I don’t know. I thought he’d be different. But he just sounds like a bigoted version of Pike. Thank you, though. For not killing him. I know you could have. And maybe I wouldn’t have even blamed you if you did. I almost attacked him a couple times with how he treated Lincoln.”

I grabbed her hand and stopped walking. Her eyes had trouble finding mine. She was breaking, it was obvious. And I hurt for her.

“This isn’t your fault, okay, O? This sick ideology that he has, he would have gotten it with or without you. It’s not your job to make him not an idiot.”

She nodded and wiped away her tears. “I know. You’re right. It’s just that-- I don’t want to fight him one day. I don’t want to be in a position where we both are pointing weapons at each other. Because I don’t think I’d be able to kill him. But I’m sure he would kill me without hesitating based on that meeting. So what are we going to do?”

I shrugged, not having any answers for her. “We listen to the audio and hope that we learn about a weakness of theirs. We find the weakest link and take them down. But I do know one thing. We need to get our people back from them.”

Octavia nodded in agreement. “You’re right. That’s definitely a mission Lexa would support. We would’ve done it sooner if we were positive they kept them alive. But now that we know that…”

She didn’t even have to finish for me to understand what she meant. It was time to start strategizing. 

* * *

When we reached the high tower, Raven, Kane, and Mom were waiting there for us. I think that they read the disappointment on our faces because a frown formed on all of theirs.

“Clarke, thank god you’re back,” Mom proclaimed once we had approached them. She reached out for me and I let her wrap her hands around me for a second before I pulled away. 

“He’s not going to help us,” Octavia whispered to the group. “Not willingly, at least. Clarke was able to put the mic on him. But we should talk about this inside.”

Everyone nodded as we all walked into the high tower and Lexa's throne room where we could speak privately. Once we entered, the Commander's eyes found mine. It was as if she was trying to search mine and learn exactly what happened. 

“What happened?” Kane asked, his arms crossed with worry spread on his face. It reminded me of him five years ago.

I let Octavia speak, knowing that they all trusted her and her opinion more than mine, which was understandable.

“We didn’t even have a chance to ask him for help. Though, that wouldn’t have mattered. He probably would have attacked us if we did. He was ready to hurt us both at the end of the conversation. He’s a loyal servant to Pike, through and through. There’s not a chance we could get through to him. He wasn’t even apologetic about Niylah’s death.”

Lexa’s jaw twitched again before asking us, “Was there any information that Bellamy disclosed to the both of you that could be any use for us?”

I shrugged and explained, “We think that Pike isn’t killing his hostages. We don’t know if he’s imprisoning or using them in another way, but I don’t believe he’s killing them.”

The others sighed with relief at that. It was one piece of good information that could alleviate our anger for the time being.

“Raven,” Lexa said, turning to the silent woman. “Can you play us the… um… the electronic--”

“The audio feed from the microphone? For sure, Commander,” Raven said with a smirk, enjoying that Lexa didn’t know how to explain what she was talking about. She pulled out a radio and turned it on.

 _“Blake, where have you been?”_ An unknown voice asked.

 _“Hunting, Ackerman. But I don’t have to answer to you,_ ” Bellamy answered aggressively.

_“No one’s above the law, Bellamy. Not even Pike’s golden boy. You know that you aren’t allowed to leave the base alone. Don’t walk past me, Blake.”_

_“Ackerman, let him go!”_ A voice I recognized as Pike’s ordered. _“What is this about? Bellamy, speak.”_

_“I needed some room to think, Sir. So I trailed off on my own as I hunted. I knew that I wasn’t supposed to--”_

_“Then why did you do it?”_ Pike asked him, a chilling tone to his voice. Bellamy didn’t answer, so I figured he only shrugged. _“Ackerman, leave us. I will take care of this. Go back to your post.”_

_“Yes, Sir.”_

_“Bellamy, walk with me, will you?”_

The feed picked up on their footsteps along a hallway.

_“You still believe in our cause, Bellamy?”_

_“Of course, Sir.”_

_“Then what could possibly be on your mind that you would need to be alone to think about? We have talked about your sister and her betrayal. Is that what is bugging you again? You have to get her out of your head. You have to get them all out of your head.”_

_“I’ve been trying, Sir. But now that I know that Clarke is alive--”_

_“You couldn’t have stopped her from marrying that uncivilized woman, Bellamy. They made their own decisions. Killing the grounder was necessary, you know that. Do you feel guilty about that?”_

Bellamy remained silent before replying. _“When you told me the plan, Pike, you told me that you were only planning on taking the grounder. Killing that woman will keep us from getting Clarke’s help.”_

Pike laughed almost maniacally. _“Of course she won’t help us, Blake! She’s been a grounder lover ever since she teamed up with the Commander! We don’t need her on our side for her to help us, Bellamy. If we had Clarke Griffin, our people who seem uncertain about our plans would realize that we were powerful enough to take their beloved Clarke Griffin. They’d believe in us again. And if Wanheda was dead... Well, that’d be good for us, too.”_

_“Kill her? Was that your plan when you sent Olin there? Kill the grounder and Clarke?”_

_“Only if she fought back. But what does it matter to you, Bellamy? Please don’t tell me you still care for the girl.”_

_“I don’t. I’m loyal to you, Sir.”_

Bellamy must have walked away because the communication between the two of them cut off.

I felt myself having troubling breathing. Everyone turned to me with these pitiful looks and I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I couldn’t tell who said, “Clarke are you okay?”

Instead, I headed for the door and choked out, “Don’t follow me,” before leaving the room. Jogging breathlessly, I tried to find an unoccupied area of the ground floor.

Once I found an empty hallway, I collapsed onto the ground. I curled up into a fetal position and rocked back and forth. Before, I had only guessed that my wife was dead because of me. But now, I was sure of it.

 _“It’s okay, Clarke. Breathe, Clarke. I’ve got you.”_ Her voice called out again. _“Yu laik klir. Ai hod yu in. Yu laik hod.”_

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I jumped up, expecting to see Niylah. But I was horrified to see a large man. Someone I… recognized?

“King Roan,” I greeted shakily as I wiped the tears off my cheeks.

“Wanheda… are you alright?” He pulled me up from the floor and watched me with great concern.

I bit back a harsh chuckle. “Yeah. I’m sorry. You must be so surprised to find the great Wanheda sobbing like a child.”

He furrowed his eyebrows and replied, “Your mourning doesn’t make you weak, Wanheda. All I’ve heard about you is your strength. Even leaving your people was a strong decision. Just like bonding yourself to someone from a different clan. My own mother banished me from my clan because I, as you call it ‘married’ a Trikru woman.”

I raised an eyebrow at him, surprised that he was telling me any personal information. “Your mother was Queen Nia, right? I heard she was ruthless.”

He chuckled gruffly. “That may be an understatement, Wanheda. She didn’t care about her family or even her alliances. She didn’t even let me back into the clan after my wife died.”

I frowned and muttered, “Oh. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. She was killed by Pike and Skaikru. I can’t be sure who exactly killed her. I heard that you are looking for throats to cut, yes?”

I raised an eyebrow at him and lowered my voice. “Yes.”

He nodded sharply. He bore his eyes into mine and replied, “If you need assistance from me, ask. I’ll be at your disposal, Klark kom Trikru. And there are more of us out there. We want justice for our family’s deaths. I understand Heda’s beliefs, but she should not forget what they have done to us. To all of us. You understand.”

I hadn’t realized until that moment how physically close we were. But I didn’t feel overwhelmed. He wasn’t trying to intimidate me. He was letting me know that he would be my ally.

“I do. Thank you, Roan.”

“No, Wanheda. Thank you.”

As he started to walk away, I called out to him, “Call me Clarke. Friends call me Clarke.”

He turned around, grinning, and replied, “Leidon, Clarke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trig:  
> Yu laik klir = you're safe  
> Ai hod yu in = I love you  
> Yu laik hod = You’re loved  
> Leidon = goodbye


	10. you make things better and I don't know why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke tells Murphy that Emori is still alive. 
> 
> Clarke and Lexa share a moment.

I was missing my children. I rarely spent so little time with them during the day, so I wasn’t used to being without them for so long. Usually, while Niylah traded with customers, I took care of the children. We couldn’t risk anyone seeing us so I spent most of my time in the house.

I headed for Octavia’s room and found Lincoln, the three kids, and Murphy and Maia there. Jakob ran up to me and wrapped his arms around me.

“Hey, fyucha. Did you have a good day with Uncle Lincoln?”

The toddler nodded and grinned wildly. He ran back to sit between Lincoln and Murphy and seemed like he was in perfect harmony between the two of them.

“Clarke,” Lincoln greeted warmly as I walked up to kiss my daughter on her head. She was playing with Aurora and Maia on the ground happily. “You’re back. Was the journey successful?”

Murphy looked up as well looking concerned, knowing that his wife was affected by the discussion I had with Bellamy.

“Unfortunately, it wasn't. You might want to go find Octavia. She’s pretty upset. Bellamy… he was harsh. On both of us. We can handle it here if you want to go find her.”

“Mochof.” He smiled gratefully at me and headed for the door.

I turned my attention to the other man who was looking at me expectantly. Jakob was climbing on top of him, but he didn't break eye contact with me.

“She’s alive,” I whispered, feeling uncomfortable in my surroundings. Like I didn’t belong with him in such an emotional moment. “She’s being imprisoned. And I couldn’t tell you _why,_ but she’s alive.”

Murphy's face changed rapidly from worried to relieved. He let out what sounded like a mix between a laugh, a sob, and a cough. He placed his head into his hands and I watched as his body shook.

Jakob looked at me with extreme confusion but then turned back to Murphy and wrapped his arms around his legs.

Murphy looked up and I could tell that tears rimmed his eyes. He put his hand on my son’s long blonde hair and muttered, “Thanks, Jakob.” He then got up and walked over and picked his daughter up from the ground. “Mama’s alive, Maia,” He cooed in her ear as he rocked her gently. “Mama’s alive.”

I felt happy for him, I did. I hadn’t met Emori, but there was no doubt in my mind that he loved her with his whole heart. And I knew she must have been a good person if she was able to show him how he was capable of love and kindness. I was glad that his wife was still alive. But shit, it made me _hurt._

“Muphy,” I breathed out, feeling the walls close in on me. I couldn’t say anything else. My chest ached.

He looked up and seemed to understand what was happening to me. He put his daughter down and slowly approached me as my knees buckled. He put his arm around my waist, stopping me from falling. “Fuck. I didn’t-- I didn’t even think. Is there, er, something I can do?”

Wordlessly, I shook my head. I think he surprised himself just as much as he surprised me when he pulled me into an embrace. He held me tight as if he somehow knew that he was keeping me afloat. As if he somehow knew that I was close to breaking.

“Should I get your mom? Or Octavia or someone else?” He asked in an almost gentle whisper, a tone I had never heard from him before unless he was speaking to Maia.

“No,” I said when I finally caught up with my breathing. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do this with you. Something’s wrong with me.” I pulled apart from him but I made sure I didn’t keep eye contact with him. I couldn’t look at him right now.

He shook his head and muttered, “Nothing’s wrong with you, Clarke. When Emori was first taken, I couldn’t even look at Maia. She reminds me so much of her, you know? It takes a while to be stable again. Hell, I don’t even think I’m stable now. Grief, it’s different for everybody.”

I nodded and snorted, “When did John Murphy get so wise?”

“I fell in love with a wise woman. She changed me, Clarke. She loved me when no one else did. When I didn’t deserve it.”

That was something I could relate to. It was extremely familiar. “That sounds like Niylah. She, uh, she took me in. I told her that it was too big of a risk, but she said that she didn’t care. That I didn’t deserve what happened to me. That, someone, had to keep me safe. So she did herself. I didn’t deserve her. And now she’s dead.”

He wouldn’t tell me that I was wrong. He wasn’t the kind of guy to do that. Instead, he replied, “I didn’t deserve Emori either. And now she’s captured.”

I bit my lip, feeling somehow relieved that I could share my pain with someone else. With someone who understood what I was going through.

“Do you mind if I stay here for a bit while we wait for Lincoln to come back?”

He chuckled and responded, “Misery loves company. Who would have thought? Me and you. Best friends.”

I snorted and muttered, “I don’t know if I would go that far.”

* * *

It was weird playing with children along with Murphy. It comforting in a strange way. We didn’t talk about anything else, but we enjoyed the silence and the odd sounds the kids were making.

“What’s happening in here?” Octavia asked, with a lighter tone to her voice than before. It was obvious that Lincoln was able to cheer her up in some way. Her face lit up when her daughter reached out her small arms for her mom.

“Nomon!” Aurora squealed as her mom picked her up and swung her around happily.

I shared a smile with Lincoln, who was obviously grateful that I told him that Octavia probably needed him.

“Well, I’m going to go and get some food,” Murphy said and brushed his hand through his hair as if he no longer felt comfortable. He leaned over at his one-year-old and said, “I think it’s time you and me had some alone time, eh, Maia?”

“Come back at any time,” Lincoln told Murphy seriously. I noticed an amount of respect and friendliness that Lincoln had for him. I wondered if it was a dad thing. Either way, they cared about each other. “I know Aurora likes having Maia over, right?”

The two-year-old nodded and waved goodbye at the baby in Murphy’s arms.

“I’ll see you all around,” Murphy said before leaving the room.

“I think it’s my time to leave as well,” I told the couple who were now engulfed by their dazzling daughter.

Octavia’s head snapped up and she stared at me with worry. “You sure, Clarke? You all can stay if you want.”

I shook my head and reminded her, “I’m just next door. We’ll be good. Thank you. Both of you. I don’t know how I’d be getting through any of this without you both.”

The brunette smiled and said, “You’re always welcome with us, Clarke.”

Before I left the room, I turned to them and asked the question that had been on my mind for a while. “Octavia, I was wondering if you could train with me tomorrow? Niylah taught me how to fight, but--”

“Not with me,” Octavia grinned wildly as if she was honored. “That’d be awesome. I’ll come to collect you tomorrow morning.”

* * *

After I fed my children, gave them a bath, and put them to bed, I pulled out my paper and charcoal pencil again. I sat at my door frame and started drawing Niylah. I had drawn her several times before. But this was different. I was diligent and detail oriented this time. I wanted to make sure everything was right. I wanted to make sure I remembered every part of her. I wouldn’t be done with the drawings until they looked like photographs.

When I heard footsteps near, I didn’t even have to look up to know who it was. My eyes eventually found Lexa’s illuminated face from the candle that she was holding. She wasn’t wearing any war paint and I tried to recollect the last time I had seen her without any of it on. She still looked incredibly powerful without it. She looked elegant but just as fierce.

Silently, I moved over so that she could sit down near me.

“I’m guessing that you want to give me a speech on my recklessness and need for vengeance?”

She sighed and lowered her head slightly. “I do not judge you, Clarke. I am not here to try to change your thoughts. You are mourning. I do not expect you to change your mind so easily.”

I raised my eyebrows, somewhat surprised that she wasn’t going to give me a long speech about my ‘bloodthirst.’

“Costia,” I muttered, saying what was on my mind without much thought. “Azgeda killed her, right? How did you not retaliate?”

I felt her tense up next to me but her face remained stolid. “I _could not._ The past Commanders, they thought it was foolish for me to fall for someone. It was rare for Commanders to bond to someone let alone have feelings for someone.”

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. “So they speak to you? The past Commanders?”

“Yes,” She answered simply as her eyes searched mine. “Not in the way you might think, but yes. But it wasn’t just them, Clarke. I am Heda. My goal was always to create peace. Starting a war with Azgeda would be bloody. My people would die senseless deaths. And I always had Titus, my flamekeeper, by my side to teach me.”

“But you got justice eventually,” I pointed out carefully. “You killed Queen Nia.”

“I did,” She responded slowly as if she was picking out her words with precision. “But that had nothing to do with Costia’s death. But in the end, she did get justice, I would say. And now her son rules. And Azgeda is more stable than it has ever been. Especially in the coalition.”

“Roan’s wife was killed by Skaikru,” I murmured darkly. “There are others that want the end of Skaikru.”

Lexa raised her eyebrows at me and I couldn’t tell if she was surprised that I was first name basis with the King of Ice Nation or that I knew that others wanted Skaikru blood.

“King Roan is a mighty leader, Clarke. But there is a reason why _I_ am Heda.”

I let out a snort and burst of chuckles. I hadn’t realized I was laughing until I had seen her with a matching smile. The moment was short. I felt weird laughing with her. Laughing with anyone that wasn’t Niylah.

Lexa seemed to have noticed my change in emotion because she quickly changed the subject. “I know you are irritated with me. I know that you want to just go to Arkadia and right all the wrongs done to our people. But killing first and asking questions later is what we have been doing for generations, Clarke. That’s why we attacked _you_ all those years ago _._ I don’t want to be that leader anymore. We can show all the clans that there are other ways to create peace and order rather than spilling blood.”

I opened my mouth to argue, but nothing came out. I didn’t have anything to say to counter her claim. I felt an overwhelming realization that _she was right_. I knew she was right. But I still wanted someone to pay. I still wanted Pike’s head.

“What if we can do that and still punish Pike with death?” I asked her, trying to find a way so that we could both get what we wanted.

“I think… we could discuss it if it comes into question. I will take your suggestion into consideration, Clarke. I always do.”

I nodded, knowing that was as good as I was ever going to get. I knew how much she was trying to help.

“I’m sorry, Lexa. I’ve been harsh today. It’s not you, I swear. It’s… It’s just everything.”

“I know. You don’t have to apologize. Not to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep letting me know what you all think! Happy Holidays, everyone!
> 
> fyucha = baby  
> Mochof = thank you


	11. moment's silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke spars with Octavia (and shows that she is certainly quite the fighter). 
> 
> She talks with Lexa, but then Titus interrupts them. Who is this guy? 
> 
> Monty finally tells Clarke about Jasper.

Octavia slammed me to the ground, but I didn’t feel much pain. I was used to this. Niylah had trained me solely so that I could protect myself. She hated that she had to, but we spent hours practicing technique and movements. I wasn’t half bad, either.

Of course, Octavia was a better fighter, but I held my weight. She was stronger and faster, but I was stubborn. Every time she pushed me down, I got back up like Niylah taught me.

She was a good teacher, I could already tell. Her pointers were helpful and simple. There were small things she noted that I changed that made a lot of difference. She wasn’t harsh, but she wasn’t going easy on me either. She knew exactly how much to push.

“I’m impressed, Clarke,” She told me as she helped me up, ending the sparring session. “You’re not bad. You’ve already got the grounder spirit, anyway. You don’t give up. You can’t teach that mentality.”

I nodded and wiped the sweat off of my forehead. Suddenly, I realized that I heard cheering. I looked up and found Raven, Lincoln, and the kids there clapping and shouting for us. Octavia and I shared a look of surprised amusement and we burst out laughing. It felt weird to be laughing, but it felt good. Like I was healing. I only stopped when my eyes found Lexa’s on the other side of the arena. She wasn’t clapping or cheering. Once she noticed that she caught my attention, she nodded courteously, and I returned it.

My body ached slightly as we walked toward the exit of the practicing arena, but I embraced it. Bruises and cuts meant I was getting stronger. And that was all that mattered.

“Damn, Griffin,” Raven shouted as she and the others ran to catch up to us. “You never said anything about being a badass!”

I rolled my eyes and muttered, “I’ve always been a badass, Reyes.”

“Sure, but you couldn’t always do _that._ O might have a partner that isn’t afraid of her now.”

Octavia nodded in agreement. “Yep. But she has some more things to learn until we get to the real fighting. But I have no doubt that she’ll get there. I’ll talk to Indra about lessons I could teach you. This is going to be so much fun!”

I chuckled softly, glad that she was enjoying herself. 

Out of the corner of my eyes, I noticed Lexa waiting patiently alone. I raised an eyebrow and told the group of people, “Excuse me for a second.”

“We’re going to go get breakfast. Meet us there,” Raven said with a wink before the group walked off, still chatting exuberantly about the sparring session.

Lexa walked up to me (with what I could only describe as swagger) and commented, “You need to keep your face neutral when you fight. Octavia could guess every move you were going to make.”

I knew she didn’t mean it as a criticism, so I wasn’t offended. “ _Thanks_ , Commander. Any other suggestions?” I asked her sarcastically.

“Of course. I have many. Would you like to hear them now?”

I laughed, amused that she didn’t understand. “I was being sarcastic, Heda.”

She frowned and almost… blushed? “Oh. That’s what Raven does, correct?”

I nodded and answered, “Yes, Raven is quite sarcastic. But she doesn’t mean harm by it. Usually.”

“Raven does have an interesting type of humor. People find her to be very comical. Which is surprising.”

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. “Why?”

“Because of all she’s gone through. I don’t know everything, of course. Raven does not reveal much personal information. But with her injury, Finn’s death, and after what I did…”

“She’s strong,” I stated confidently. “I mean, we all are. We have to be. But Raven… her strength seems insurmountable. She’s definitely got fortitude I don’t want to be on the opposite side of. She’s basically the reason why most of us delinquents are alive.”

She looked like she was in deep thought when she said, “Delinquents. Others have used that word to explain some of you before. Is it another word for young adults?”

I held in a smile. “Not exactly. Delinquents are young adults, yes. But 'delinquent' is more of a term used for young adults that are also criminals. The 100 of us that were sent down were all delinquents.”

Lexa couldn’t hide her look of surprise. “Criminal? You? Octavia? Raven?”

A nervous chuckle fell out of my mouth. “Not Raven. But the rest of us... yes. I was in solitary confinement, Lexa.”

For a brief second, she looked mortified. “You were put in a cage? And you were not allowed human contact? That is torture. For how long?”

“About a year,” I answered carefully. “A lot of us were put into prison for stupid reasons. Octavia’s mother was floated for having a second child and she was put into a cell. I was imprisoned for what they considered 'treason.' I knew a secret that they killed my father for.”

Lexa scrunched up her face in disgust. “Your people… I don’t understand them.”

I shrugged and responded, “That sounds like another life now. I don’t even remember who that Clarke Griffin was. Medical apprentice, artist, Wells...” I trailed off, not recalling what made me who I was when I lived on the Ark.

She was about to say something when a man in old robes approached us. I could feel her tense up next to me.

“Heda,” He muttered as he walked up to us. He grimaced when he turned to me and hissed, “ _Wanheda.”_

“Titus,” Lexa greeted politely, but with an edge to her voice. Before he had a chance to say anything, she turned to me and said, “Excuse me, Clarke. I have some work to attend to.”

I gaped slightly and watched as Lexa walked away from us. I turned back to the man and raised my eyebrows at him. He obviously did something to piss her off.

“Who are you?” I asked him, extremely curious and suspicious of him.

“Lexa’s Fleimkepa.”

I narrowed my eyes at him and said, “Doesn’t that mean you’re her teacher or something?”

“Her advisor, yes,” He answered carefully. “But she no longer cared about my opinions once she met you, Klark kom Skaikru.”

“Trikru,” I corrected angrily.

He snorted and shook his head. “What does she see in you?”

And before I could ask what he meant by that, he left. And I was so confused.

* * *

After eating breakfast with the large group with some more additions, Monty asked me to stay with him as the rest of the group got up to leave (Lincoln taking my kids with him) and start their day. I wasn’t exactly sure why he wanted to talk with me alone, but it made me feel slightly uneasy. I could always converse easily with him. But that was with Jasper. And no one had even referenced him during my stay.

“I’m guessing that nobody has mentioned Jasper to you?” He muttered, looking uncomfortable and solemn. I shook my head and he sighed. “No one likes to talk about him. His death, it hit everyone hard. Because as we all started getting used to living and being happy again, he only got worse.”

And I knew that I was the cause for his pain. I closed my eyes, trying to control the feelings that had overwhelmed me when I first left Arkadia and the life I had lived. “What happened?”

“No one’s exactly sure,” he answered grimly. “He was an alcoholic for quite a long time. And then he got into drugs. No one’s even sure that he meant to OD. But he looked peaceful, Clarke. And that’s what I’ll try to remember. Him being at peace.”

“I’m sorry,” I breathed out quietly. “I’m so sorry.”

He shook his head and responded, “No, no. Clarke, you did what you had to do to save us all. No one blames you. I think even Jasper understood that you did what you had to do. Besides, you weren’t the only one who pulled the lever. The blame doesn’t rest only on your shoulders. It should never have. And I know we did that to you…”

I suddenly got up, not able to handle the conversation any longer. “Sorry, Monty. I er… I have to go. I have to talk to the Commander. And I-- I’m sorry. I have to go.”

Before I even let him reply, I was heading for the door. I jogged to the training arena, feeling the need to punch something. To do _something_. I put these gloves on and started hitting at this hanging punching bag.

But every time I hit the bag, I saw a face. Atom’s. Finn’s. Random grounders. Dante Wallace’s. Random Mountain Men. Hundreds of people. And I felt for every single one of them. With one final punch, I smashed the bag, bringing shooting pain to my wrist and hand.

“Wanheda,” A voice shouted from behind me. Holding my wrist with pain, I turned around and found a teenager with blonde shaggy staring back at me. “Wanheda, are you alright?”

I raised an eyebrow, surprised that he was speaking to me. I unwrapped my glove and felt my hand. Nothing was broken, but it was starting to swell. Nothing I couldn’t deal with.

“I’m fine,” I answered vaguely. “I’m sorry, do I know you?”

He shook his head awkwardly and muttered, “No, you do not. But I feel like I know you. Heda has spoken about you in great detail, Wanheda. The other natblidas and I admire you greatly.”

“You’re a nightblood?” I asked, thinking about the conversation I had with Niylah about history. At his nod, I added, “Lexa, is she your teacher?”

“She and Seda teach us, yes. But personally, I prefer Heda’s lessons. Titus is… much less interesting.”

I felt a grin curl up in my lips. He reminded me of Jakob in many ways. At the very least, they looked quite similar. I felt some sort of connection with him. "I know what you mean. I met him. He seems a little uptight. And what is your name, young natblida?”

“Aden,” He answered with a warm smile. “Heda was right about your strength. That was one hard punch, Wanheda. I heard that Okteivia kom Strikru was training you. She’s quite the warrior.”

I nodded and replied, “Octavia is one of the toughest people I know.”

“I like to watch her train,” He admitted carefully.

I raised an eyebrow and murmured, “She is quite beautiful.”

He flushed and shook his head. “You misunderstand, Wanheda. I like watching her technique.”

A laugh fluttered out of my mouth. “I’m sorry, Aden. I’m an awkward parent now.”

“It’s alright,” He said, a smile reappearing on his face as fast as it had disappeared. “Besides, I watch Lincoln if I wish for any entertainment.”

I chuckled and replied, “I understand that. So how does Trikru really feel about Skaikru, or Strikru more accurately, living here? About me being here?”

“It was very on edge for a while, Wanheda. For about a year, Heda kept guards on your people at constant times. But eventually, the threats on their lives ended. They realized that the Skaikru here was no longer Skaikru. And in fact, Strikru was just as against Skaikru as others. It hasn’t been perfect, Wanheda. But it has been mostly peaceful. And you… our people love you.”

I raised my eyebrows and asked, “What?”

“You brought down the Mountain, Wanheda. You’re a legend. Our people respect you. Especially since Heda cares for you. She didn’t allow anyone to say anything disrespectful about you.”

I tried to ignore the last comment that he made and told him, “Call me Clarke, Aden. Meika’s slak.”

He grinned and replied, “It’s been an honor meeting you, too, Klark.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meika’s slak = Nice to meet you
> 
> Thank you all for reading! Let me know what you are thinking!


	12. battle cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Clans discuss future plans with Skaikru, but the meeting is interrupted by news of Skaikru's impending plans.

Aden and I spent an hour conversing about Lexa and what he was being taught as a young nightblood. I could tell after a few minutes that he admired Lexa and saw her as quite the maternal figure. He spoke with such elegance and emotion when he talked about her. It also became quite obvious that he was her favorite student. He was apparently already pegged as the next Commander.

I enjoyed speaking with him. He was honest and blunt, which was like a breath of fresh air. But he also reminded me of my father with his sharp wit and unfathomable kindness. He was someone I immediately connected to and felt the urge to protect at all costs.

“Clarke, Juno said you were-- Aden!” Lexa said as she entered the room with a surprised look spread across her face.

Aden quickly stood up and stared at her. “Heda.”

I could tell that she had many questions, so I commented, “Aden and I have been talking about Polis. He’s been great to talk with, Commander. It sounds like to me that you have raised an intelligent and thoughtful skat.”

The blonde boy gave a shy smile and blushed.  “Ai laik hef, Klark.”

I chuckled, ruffled his hair, and muttered sarcastically, “Sha, natblida.” I then turned to Lexa who looked mildly amused and confused. “Do you need me, Commander?”

The brunette nodded and said, “Yes, Clarke. There is a meeting with leaders and ambassadors from all the clans. We will be discussing what to do with Skaikru. I was wondering if you would like to attend.”

I raised my eyebrow as if that was even a question. I turned around to face Aden once again and told him, “It was good speaking with you, Aden. Come visit me anytime. I’m sure my son, Jakob, would love to meet you. I think you two would get along.”

He grinned and replied, “It was an honor, Wanheda. And I’d love to meet your children. Please let me know when you and Octavia spar. I’d love to watch. And learn, Heda. For the learning.”

I nodded and whispered, “I’ll let you know about Lincoln, too.” And with a shortwave, I followed Lexa out of the room. “Thank you for telling me about this. And including me. I know you don’t have to.”

“Everyone is expecting you, Clarke,” Lexa responded gently. “You are still a leader. And Wanheda. People want your opinions.”

“Titus doesn’t,” I murmured under my breath.

She stopped mid-step and stared at me. “Did he say something disrespectful to you?”

“No…” I said with uncertainty. “But I don’t think he likes me very much. But I’m not sure he likes anyone. Aden said that he is cold with everyone.”

She started walking again and replied, “Aden isn’t old enough to understand what Titus is doing for him. I was the same way as a child. But I’m glad that you were able to meet Aden. He has a very promising future. He’s level-headed and strong. Stronger than me at his age. Though, he is incredibly stubborn.”

“Sounds like his role model and teacher,” I responded simply.

I almost smirked when I saw her eyes roll slightly. It was nice seeing her talk about someone she cared about. Especially since it didn’t have to do with politics. I was about to tell her this when she turned a corner and we approached this large door. The guards opened it and we entered this grandiose room with what seemed like fifty people. Many were people I recognized, like Roan, Kane, Mom, Indra, Octavia, and other advisors I had met a long time ago.

The group of people turned to look at us and I felt uncomfortable with the group of eyes that settled on me. I heard mumbles of “Wanheda” and I nodded at the group. Lexa sat down at the head of the large table and I found a seat next to Octavia who gave me a supportive smile.

“Excellent,” Lexa announced, looking authoritative once again. “We are now all here. I do not believe that Wanheda needs an introduction. We are here to discuss the future of Skaikru. Wanheda and Okteivia kom Strikru were able to meet secretly with Belomi Blake kom Skaikru. We learned that Skaikru has not killed the hostages as we had once assumed. They were also able to put a device on his body so that we could track and listen to him. We have someone listening and recording what he says at all times. Now, the question is what our next step should be.”

This older woman from the other side of the table cleared her throat and stated, “I appreciate your efforts, Heda, to create peace. In fact, you have been more successful than I would have ever imagined. But I do not believe we can continue our sympathetic approach with these people any longer. I speak for all of Sankru when I say that we should not be afraid of making the journey to Polis in fear that Sky People could shoot us down.”

When she was finished, a round of head nods circled around the people around her, obviously supporting what she was saying.

“We are not being sympathetic, Oriana,” A large man next to Lexa countered with slight agitation. “We are not slaughtering them. But we are not being kind to them, either. We do not condone their actions.”

“And yet you peacefully meet with a man from Skaikru!” A different shrewd woman yelled, pounding her hand on the table.

Octavia piped up, “We were planning on using him, Nox. Turning him into a spy. And even though we didn’t accomplish that, we have learned things from the visit. We know that they are keeping the hostages alive. Which is why we can’t bomb them or go charging in there. We all know that they would use our people as human shields.”

“No one argues with you, Octavia,” Oriana muttered with frustration. “But I do not believe we are doing all that we could.”

“What about my houmon?” A different man commented. “He was just trying to hunt. And he was slaughtered by these savages. Who will pay, Heda?”

Everyone turned to the Commander, and for a brief second, I felt pity for her. No matter what she said, someone would be unhappy. There was no perfect answer, and I understood that. As a leader. 

“They will all pay for what they did, Achilles,” Lexa told him, her head held high. “But we need to learn how much they all participated in this. There are people in Arkadia that are not murderers.”

“But they support the murderers!” Nox shouted as everyone jumped into outrage.

“So did all of we at some point,” Lexa pointed out, causing everyone to stop talking. “In our history, we have all been at war with each other. We have killed each other. We have maimed each other. We have raped each other’s lands. But peace is something we all strive for. We must look for the good in these people. We’ve done it for each other.”

I couldn’t help but stare in awe at her strength and power. No one could argue with what she said. She was wise, and she was reminding her people this.

“Besides,” Kane pointed out, causing everyone to turn to look at him. “Through listening to the audio, we have learned that Skaikru is weak. There are people that aren’t believing in the cause any longer. They are searching for ways to make their people believe in them. There’s a chance we can save the people who aren’t in favor of all of this violence.”

“So how do we gather these people?” Achilles asked, now calmer than he had been before.

“We offer them safe haven when their leadership crumbles,” Lexa answered simply. “Which it inevitably will.”

“And if it does not?” Oriana questioned sternly. “And what if this takes years? We cannot allow them to kill more of our people.”

“Wanheda,” Roan interrupted, causing everyone to look between him and me. “What do you think?”

I knew what he was doing. He wanted me to announce that I wanted Skaikru demolished. But I didn’t even know if that was what I wanted anymore.

“When I killed the Mountain Men, I killed innocents as well,” I confessed carefully, being honest with the group of people. “Kids. Mothers. Fathers. People who had no choice to be in the situation that they were in. I did what I had to do to save my people. And I would do it again with Skaikru, especially after what they did to _my_ houmon. But the guilt of what I did weighs on me. And it would weigh on all of us if we did the same thing again. I want the people that killed and took our people to pay. But Heda is right. We have to do this carefully.”

I didn’t have to look to know that Lexa’s eyes were on me. I felt her stare. I thought it would be uncomfortable, but I didn’t mind the feeling.

Most people seemed to have supported what I was saying. Roan looked slightly disappointed, but he didn’t seem too bothered. Mom looked irritated (probably because I was becoming a leader once again) and Kane looked impressed. Octavia was grinning, she obviously approved of what I had said. And Lexa… she was hard to read. Goddamn, she was always hard to read.

Before anyone had a chance to refute or agree, Kamos, one of Lexa’s people assigned to listen to the audio coming from Arkadia, pushed the door open and ran into the room.

“Heda, I apologize for interrupting. But there is something being said by a member of Skaikru that could be of major importance.”

As the group of people began murmuring about what could have happened, Lexa held up her hand, silencing everyone. “Thank you, Kamos. What words were spoken?”  

Kamos pulled a sheet of paper out of his pocket, cleared her throat, and read, “Some man, Bellamy, I think, said, 'The hostages are unwilling to work for us any longer, Sir. They refuse to even clean their own cages. Even after they have been whipped, they won’t do their work. What do I do?' Then, another man, Pike, I believe, replied, 'I knew the free labor wouldn’t last. The uncivilized people are all lazy. I think that it’s time for plan Nine.' In which the other person replied, 'Euthanization? Sir, are you sure?' And Pike answered, 'Are you questioning me, Blake?' To which Bellamy replied, 'No. I’ll prepare the room for tomorrow.’ And then it went silent.”

The room was quiet. Everyone knew what that meant. Skaikru planned on murdering their hostages in cold blood. I watched as every face filled with rage.

“Heda, we have to do something about this!” Achilles demanded, slamming his fist on the table. “These people can not get away--”

“They will not, Achilles,” Lexa interrupted as she got up, determination and fearlessness scorned her face. “I have tried to delay the inevitable, it seems. It is time for us to go to Arkardia and retrieve our people. Indra, Octavia, lay out the details to the plan you both have created for this scenario.”

Octavia cleared her throat and explained, “The mission that Indra and I have been planning for months is not very complex, but it is very dangerous. The team will be small and filled with people who know the territory extraordinarily well. Luckily, with the audio recording, we know what time Pike goes hunting every day. So that is the time that we will go. And while he is gone, there will be a distraction to get most of the people’s attention away from the cages. And while this distraction is taking place, Me, Indra, and maybe a few others will knock out the few guards and take the hostages back with us. That’s of course, the best case scenario. If everything goes right.”

Everyone at the table looked anxious. Because the likelihood that everything would go right was low.

“And what happens when they kill you all with their guns?” Oriana asked, her eyes becoming dark and grim. “Are we supposed to avenge your deaths? Heda, do we have your permission to attack if and when this mission fails?”

Lexa glared at the woman and I could see that she was having difficulty staying calm. “Have faith in our warriors, Oriana. And if they do fail, which I do not believe they will, then we can discuss invasion or other options.” She then turned back to Octavia and asked, “Who are the people you wish to bring with you on this mission?”

“Indra, Miller, Roan, Echo, and Viper,” Octavia answered simply.

The group around the table nodded, understanding that Octavia chose a very strong team full of Strikru and their own people.

Lexa turned to Juno and ordered, “Go find and gather Miller, Echo, and Viper. Bring them here.” Once the young woman nodded and rushed off, the Commander turned to the group of people again. “All of you must leave us. We have much planning to do.”

No other orders were necessary. All the leaders and ambassadors (besides Indra, Octavia, and Roan) left the room, but I stayed behind. I still had a question.

“Clarke--” Lexa started to say before I interrupted her.

“I want to go,” I told the small group of people. “I know that you probably don’t think I should go, but I think I could help. I’m trained. I know the land better than anyone.”

“But you are looking for vengeance, Clarke,” Lexa muttered solemnly, staring at me with intensity. “This is a no-kill mission.”

Feeling anger rise up inside of me, I took a deep breath and sighed. “I know that, _Commander_. I understand the mission. I’m not looking to spill blood. At least, not today. Today, I’m looking to _save_ lives. Because one of those people in those cages could have easily been my wife. Because if they took her, she’d be in there. And I know that she’d want me saving her.”

Lexa immediately looked away. Like looking at me suddenly hurt her. She turned to the others as if to get their opinions.

“She is a trained fighter, Heda,” Octavia mentioned thoughtfully. “She also does know the lands extremely well. And, she might be the distraction that Indra and I have been having trouble coming up with.”

“Explain,” Lexa commanded.

“Well, she could gather Skaikru together. People will listen to her. She was the leader five years ago. And they wouldn’t attack her like they would if it was any of us. She might even get some to follow her.”

Lexa nodded slowly as if thinking everything through. “I see. And Indra? Roan? What do you think about this?”

Roan cleared his throat and answered, “I believe Wanheda could be a great asset. I haven’t seen her fight, but I have seen her strength. I’d be honored to have her at our side.”

Lexa nodded curtly and then turned to Indra who replied, “If she follows strict adherence to the rules, I think she could assist us.”

I saw what almost seemed like disappointment run across Lexa’s face before she said, “Then that’s final. Clarke, you may go with them. But you must follow orders. We can not let anything go wrong.”

“Of course, Heda,” I told her gently, with a small smile. But she did not return it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Skat = boy  
> Ai laik hef = I am a man  
> Sha, natblida = Yes, nightblood  
> houmon = husband 
> 
> Things are about to get REALLY intense. Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Keep commenting and tell me what you think!


	13. all comes down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and allies go to Arkadia to retrieve their people. 
> 
> Only, things don't go as planned.

I couldn’t help but be slightly surprised that Indra and Roan agreed to carry non-lethal weaponry. I guess that I hadn’t exactly realized until then that others must have agreed with Lexa’s ‘blood must not have blood’ tactics.

Echo, Roan’s second, carried bows and arrows of which she said: “had a poison that could only maim if targeted correctly.” She then assured me that she has the best shot in all of Azgeda. She was slightly cocky but extremely serious. A warrior, from head to toe.

Miller and Viper had these guns with bullets that apparently didn’t pierce the skin. They slung them along their shoulders and the large guns bounced as we walked along the trail to Arkadia.

The rest of us had our own swords and tasers.

As the others talked about a beloved blacksmith, Roan and I stayed in the back.

He lowered his voice and asked me, “Do we have any missions ourselves, Wanheda? Are we taking anyone out?”

I should have known that he was thinking about this. That he would have followed me if I decided to want to kill any person in Skaikru.

“I want to take them out,” I admitted in a whisper. “Especially Pike. But not today. Because if we take him out in front of his people, he’ll look like a martyr. And that is the last thing that can happen. We need to make sure that his people doubt him first.”

Roan made a sort of harrumph sound of which I raised my eyebrows at. Finally, he spoke in a normal voice when he said, “I understand now why Heda likes you so much, Clarke. Even with your grievances and cold injustices put upon you, you still think things through. You still understand the possible outcomes and the politics of the consequences. I am not even ashamed to admit that I am impressed.”

I smirked and replied, “Is it because I came from the Sky?”

Roan shook his head and answered, “No, Wanheda. I am impressed because of your wisdom at such a young age. I have been proven time and time again that some people from the Sky are honorable. Octavia and Miller are examples of this.”

Octavia snapped her head around and called out, “Octavia is an example of what now?”

He grinned at her and said, “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

She narrowed her eyes at him and growled slightly. “Don’t be a dick, Roan. I was starting to like you.”

Before he had a chance to retort, Indra held up a fist, causing all of us to halt and shut up. She lowered her voice and said, “I think we are approaching the point at which we must split up.”

I knew what that meant. It was time for me to separate from the group and head toward the gate by myself so that I could distract the large group of people.

“Are you sure that you want to go?” Octavia asked me as she closed the space between us. I could read the concern in her eyes.

I nodded and whispered to her, “I have to. I can do this.”

She pulled me into a tight embrace and murmured into my ears, “Mebi oso na hit choda op nodotaim.”

I repeated the mantra in her ear and I turned to the rest of the group. “I don’t think they will attack me. But if they do, don’t forget the mission. Get our people out of there. I will hold them all off for as long as I can.”

“One of us will come and get you,” Miller told me with a sympathetic smile. “Everything will be fine.”

I returned the smile but then turned away from them and started to walk into the direction of the front gate. I hadn’t been to Arkadia in years. I didn’t even know what to expect when I approached the destination. I followed the continuous path of familiarity that I still knew from the back of my hand.

And then I saw it. And seeing it again made it feel like I had never left. Arkadia wasn’t my home. The Ark wasn’t my home. The only place I grew to love was with Niylah. But even so, coming here, I felt a sense of nostalgia. Maybe it was only for the happy times in the Ark or with the delinquents. With Wells, Finn, or hell, even Bellamy during safer and less problematic times. But then I blinked and gulped and all of those feelings soon washed away.

I took a deep breath and raised my two hands in the air as I walked out of the woods and toward the large gate with the armed soldiers. I looked down and saw large red dots on me. But no one fired.

I approached the gate and found two familiar faces looking back at me. They were older, tougher. Unhappier. Monroe and Bryan (who, I guess survived along with Pike from Farm Station) stoically held their guns aiming directly at my head.

“Why don’t you lower your weapons,” I commented kindly. The two of them turned to look at each other with uncertainty. “I’m not here to hurt anyone. I’m here to seek refuge. It’s me. Clarke. Your _friend._ ”

“Radio Pike,” Monroe whispered to him.

“Can’t,” He told her solemnly. “The signal doesn’t reach him when he’s off hunting. And Bellamy is with him.”

“Let her in,” Someone shouted from behind the gate. I recognized the voice. Gabriel. Yet another delinquent.

Monroe and Bryan shrugged before opening the gate. I walked inside and found myself surrounded by a group of curious people. Some looked excited to see me. Some looked suspicious. And some still had a strong grip on their weapons.

As I watched people from all parts of the compound walk out onto the field, I held my hands up higher and called out, “I’m not here to hurt any of you. I’m just here to talk. It’s good to see a lot of you.”

“It’s good to see you too, Clarke,” Some guy, Wick-- I think, told me. “Why have you been gone for so long? Where have you been?”

It was now apparent that neither Pike nor Bellamy chose to tell people where I had been hiding out. That I was no longer Skaikru. That I married a grounder. That I’d kill one of them for a grounder.

“I’ve been hiding out in the woods,” I lied carefully. “I’ve learned how to support myself. But I have also controlled my thoughts. I’ve meditated on my past and all of the things we have done to survive. And I am here to tell you that we are doing it _wrong._ You all follow Pike because you think that he will keep you alive. But I’m here, without ever having Pike as ruler, and telling you that you don’t need a dictator like him to survive.

“I know how easy it is to be a follower. To blindly follow rules because it’s easier. We all did that. That was life with Jaha on the Ark. But we have a chance to be better than that. And you’re ruining it by following a man who doesn’t understand that the grounders are only an enemy if you make them one.”

I watched as some started to nod or shake their heads. I watched as some gravitated closer and connected to my words. I watched as some stared at my throat, trying to find the best place to cut. I watched as people became on edge, waiting for violence to erupt at any moment.

“I know that it sounds daunting to have to leave a place where you are safe. But you can’t keep telling yourself that everything is okay. Because if there is something that I have learned, it’s that not everyone deserves to be alive. So why don’t we try to deserve it and become something _better_?”

“Don’t listen to her,” A voice shouted from behind me. I turned around to find Pike holding Roan from his neck with a gun to his head. “I just caught her _people_ trying to take back our hostages. They succeeded, but are stupid enough to leave their own person behind. I think he was trying to retrieve you, wasn’t he, Clarke?”

I stared at the sight with disbelief and horror. _Not again_.

Pike pushed Roan away from him and shouted, “He will pay for his crimes!”

Roan stood stoically when Pike aimed his gun at him. His eyes that bled defeat found mine and he mouthed, ‘Ste yuj.’ He was ready to die. But I wasn’t.

Before Pike was able to pull the trigger, I threw my dagger and watched as it pierced the dictator’s flesh. He dropped his gun and felt his neck where blood poured out of his wound. I stared, feeling--

My thoughts were interrupted as I felt a tug of my hind. 

“Run!” Roan shouted, pulling me with him as he started to run.

Wobbly, my pace quickened as we ran toward the forest. But I couldn’t stop seeing what I just did.

I killed Pike. _I avenged her murder._ **Pike was dead.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mebi oso na hit choda op nodotaim = may we meet again  
> Ste yuj = stay strong
> 
> AHHH sorry about that cliff hanger :)


	14. my emotions have an echo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Repercussions of Pike's death.

Octavia was waiting for us. When she saw us running toward her, her face changed from shocked to worried. But she didn’t have time to say anything, she just started running with us for we didn’t know if we were still being followed by Skaikru.

“What happened? Last thing that happened was Pike taking you, Roan. How’d you get away?” Octavia asked as we ran. “And why are we running?”

I couldn’t tell her. The words didn’t form in my mouth. Everything was dry.

Roan then answered, “Clarke saved my life. Pike had a gun to my head and was about to kill me. Clarke killed him.”

“Shit,” Octavia murmured. “But I’m glad you got out. He wasn’t supposed to come back so soon. Well, the others got away. I stayed back just to make sure you two got out. You doing okay, Clarke?”

Before I could even think of a reply, there was a gunshot. We turned around and found Bellamy aiming a gun at us. Immediately, the three of us aimed our weapons at him. He stared at us with something new in his eyes. There wasn’t rage like there usually was.

“Go,” He yelled, lowering his weapon. “I’ll tell them that you all got away.”

“Bell--”

“Go, O,” Bellamy interrupted. “Before I change my mind. Go.”

And from there, we continued to run like someone was chasing us, not stopping until we reached Polis.

* * *

Lincoln was there waiting for us near the entrance of the city.

Octavia found his arms immediately and he spun her around gently. But the hug showed something more passionate between them. I recognized it. Lincoln was afraid that his wife was dead, but since she wasn’t, he held onto her life as tightly as possible.

“The others said that you were taken, Roan,” Lincoln commented breathlessly. “How did you get out of Skaikru’s grasp?”

I stared at the ground, feeling my surroundings starting to spin. It was almost like I had forgotten what I had done when I was running. Like the adrenaline pushed the memory far back so that I could function.

“That does not matter at the moment, Lincoln. We should get to the high tower and we can explain everything there. How are the others? Did everyone make it back?”

“They did,” Lincoln answered as we all walked toward the tall building. “Along with the twenty or so hostages. Clarke, your mother wanted to come with me, but she had to attend to them. She wishes to see you, though. When you have a chance.”

I nodded even though I could barely comprehend the words that spilled out of his mouth. I felt my heartbeat in my chest. I heard the thud escalate. It was like I could feel myself spiral. Like I had after Mount Weather.

I felt Roan travel closer and closer to me. His hovering made things worse. It felt like he was preparing himself to catch me for when I would inevitably collapse.

But I was better than that. _Stronger._ I had to be. For Niylah. For Jakob and Axia.

I let out a shaky breath of relief once we reached the high tower. Lincoln led us to Lexa’s study or office (I couldn’t tell). The guards stepped aside and we entered a room where Lexa, Echo, Indra, and Miller were already standing there. They all looked surprised to see us, as if they were expecting for us to be dead.

Lexa’s eyes found mine and I felt myself sink into the green. I could tell that she was trying to read me to understand what happened. But then it felt like things had shifted. Her eyes seemed warmer, more inviting. It was as if she was trying to comfort me like she somehow _knew_ what was going on in my head. She was trying to reassure me, in a way only Lexa could, that no matter what, I wasn't a monster.

“Roan…” Echo whispered (as if in awe that her king was breathing) and approached him. They grasped each other’s forearms. “How? Pike had a gun to your head. We watched him take you. How did you escape?”

He turned to look at me and I had to keep myself steady. I couldn’t look down. I couldn’t look weak.

“Pike was about to put a bullet into my head but then Wanheda threw a blade. I am lucky she has good aim. Clarke saved my life. And her own.”

I watched as Lincoln, Miller, Indra, and Echo’s faces filled with surprises and wonder, like they were impressed (and slightly terrified). Lexa was different. She seemed to have already known. And maybe she did when she looked in my eyes. Maybe she knew that I wasn’t as innocent as I was before. Her eyes darkened and I couldn't tell if she was upset that I had defied her orders.

“Thank god,” Miller murmured under his breath. “Commander, if you don’t mind, can I go visit the hostages and see if Abby or Jackson needs any help?”

“Of course, Miller,” Lexa told him with a short nod. She turned to the rest of the group and said, “All of you are dismissed. Except for Clarke. Can I speak with you for a moment?”

I nodded with uncertainty as the rest of the people left the small room. I should have felt better knowing that I was more alone. That I didn’t have to pretend anymore. But she closed the space between us and I felt her presence when I looked down at the ground.

“When I killed Nia,” Lexa explained in a small whisper. “I felt satisfaction. But it lasted no longer than a second. Maybe it was because I had other things on my mind. Roan. The throne of Azgeda. My safety. _You._ But I think it was because of my training. You see, I have ended the lives of so many, killing the Queen almost felt like nothing. Because in the end, her death didn’t bring Costia back. So I think, in some ways, we are the same.”

I shook my head (ignoring the fact that she said that I was on her mind), feeling the tears drip out of my burning eyes. But I didn’t wipe them away. I couldn't move my arms. I couldn’t _move._

“No, Lexa. You’re _wrong._ I felt something. When I watched my knife go into his flesh, all I felt was pleasure. Because I am a killer, Lexa. As much as you and Niylah have tried to deny it, I am Wanheda. I command death. And if Niylah saw me today, Lexa. She’d be disappointed. No, she'd be so damn horrified.”

_I felt her roll over in her bed. She turned to look at me._

_“You are not sleeping. Did you have a nightmare again?”_

_I cringed and felt my whole body tense up. I hated that she knew. I hated that she had known me well enough to know why I couldn’t sleep. I hated that I hadn’t left. That I kept coming. That I stayed._

_“I should go,” I whispered darkly. “I’ve taken up so much of your space and time and-- and I’m not the kind of person you should want to be around.”_

_She leaned up in bed and glared at me. “Do you think I am a fool?”_

_I furrowed my eyes in surprise. Niylah would always use kind language. She never raised her voice. She never questioned me. She never judged. So her harsh tone startled me._

_“No,” I answered awkwardly. “No, of course not, Niylah. Never.”_

_She crossed her arms across her bare chest. “Then why are you telling_ me _what I should and should not want? I have allowed you to stay with me, yes? If I did not wish you to be around, I would not have let you stay with me.”_

_I bit my lip and tried to fight the urge to kiss her. That wouldn’t have solved either of our problems._

_“But I’m--” I couldn’t find the right words._

_“Clarke Griffin? Klark kom Skaikru? Wanheda? Commander of Death? You are a lot of things. You bear a lot of titles. But in the end, you get to choose who and what you are. And I choose to let you stay, Clarke. You can leave if that is you wish. But you have a home here.”_

_I let water trail out of my eyes. Niylah was special. Special and beautiful and in another life I would love her forever. But I was wrong. And deserved to be alone._

_“But…” I breathed out, feeling my body start to shake and crumble. “But I’m a killer. I’ve done so many bad things. I’m… irredeemable. I’m a mons--” She interrupted me with a kiss._

_She pressed her body against mine and all I wanted was to be entwined with her forever._

_“You… are… not… a… monster…” She muttered between each urgent kiss. When she moved away, my lips buzzed. Her intense stare never wavered. “I can not deny that you are a killer. You are. But you are not a murderer. You did not want to take those lives, but you had to, Clarke. A killer is not who you are. You_ are _a healer. An artist. A leader who would do anything to save someone she cared about. A leader who had to kill hundreds of people because someone she cared for and had feelings for, left her._

 _“But there is so much more in you that is good. I believe it, Clarke. With my whole heart, I believe in_ you. _”_

Floating out of the memory, I stared up into Lexa’s worried eyes. “She made me think that I could be more than a murderer. That I didn’t have to let the guilt swallow me up. That my life could be more than a cycle of violence and death. But today, I’ve proved her wrong.”

Lexa opened her mouth, but no words escaped her lips. I wasn’t surprised. I was empty. I left the silent room and physically felt my whole body shatter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this isn't as satisfying as you all might have wanted, but I truly think that this would fuck Clarke up. 
> 
> Sorry for the angst, y'all. Let me know what you think!


	15. what can i do if the fire goes out?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke falls apart.

My body quivered as I drifted through the halls. There wasn’t a particular destination I was trying to reach. I didn’t know where I was going. People passed by and some tried to congratulate me. But I didn’t reply or smile back. I wasn’t proud of my anger and the feelings that flowed through my body once I killed Pike. Fuck, I was terrified of myself and what I was capable of.

I was horrified because I knew Niylah would be scared of me and who I had become without her.

Nausea engulfed my body and I scoured the halls for a bucket or something to throw up in. I ended up vomiting in a pot. Not the best place, but I felt better afterward. I wasn’t as shaky and weak. I wiped my mouth and continued on my pointless journey to nowhere.

“Clarke!” Murphy called out as he saw me pass the door to his room. I stopped, feeling obligated to see him. I slowly walked toward the door to his room, but he ran out to me. With one look on his face, I could tell that he was full of so much happiness. He even almost hugged me, but he stopped himself. We weren’t _that_ close.

“I was worried when Miller told me that Roan was taken, I thought that you were going to be killed. But I’m glad that you weren’t.”

I nodded and pretended to smile. “Maybe I’m a cockroach, too. I’m just glad that everything worked out.”

His face turned from all smiles to a look of concern. But still, he wasn’t the kind of guy to ask if I was okay. He wasn’t the kind of guy to offer support and comfort. “Do you want to meet Emori? She’s getting to know her daughter in our room, but I’m sure she’d like to meet you.”

I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t sure I could handle watching a mother reunite with her daughter. But I didn’t have a chance to answer when a woman came out of the room, holding Maia.

Emori was obviously beautiful, but she seemed to have been degraded by the prison. She was unhealthily thin and scars laced her pale skin. And yet-- she was all smiles holding her daughter close to her.

“You must be Clarke,” Emori told me with a nod of her head. “John has told me a lot about you.”

“You must think I’m a terrible person then,” I added with a fake chuckle.

She laughed and shook her head. “No, no, no. John would never admit it, of course, but I think he admires you. Even if he hated you for some time. But I know you helped save my life. And you killed that son of a bitch Pike. I owe you.”

I waved my hands as if she was being preposterous. “You’re one of my people, Emori. No need to thank me. Besides, I couldn’t let another child be motherless if I could help it.”

Maia gurgled in her mother’s arms and Emori bounced her with a smile across her face. I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of pain seeing Maia in her arms, but I was happy for them. It made me feel less guilty about Pike. A little less guilty.

“Speaking of,” Murphy commented as he wrapped an arm around Emori’s waist. “How are Jakob and Axia doing? Have you seen them since you have returned? I think Raven was looking after them while Lincoln was looking for Octavia.”

I felt myself struggling to remain looking thrilled for the family. Thinking of my children and how disappointed they would be in me, it made me feel sick again. Niylah was always the better parent.

“I haven’t seen them yet. I should go do that. I’m really happy for you both and the little one. I’ll see you around, okay?” I quickly walked away from them, feeling overwhelmed again. Deep down, I wondered if this feeling would ever leave. Then again, it was the feeling I had after Mount Weather, and that went away. But that was because of Niylah. And she wasn’t coming back.

I walked to Raven’s tinkering room, but she wasn’t there. Sinclair told me that she went to my room, so I had to hurry off back there.

“Thank god, Griffin,” Raven muttered when I opened the door to my room. “Your kids are energetic as hell and I’m never playing babysitter again. I thought little Aurora was bad.” She ran over to me and tried to put Axia in my arms.

Axia. My baby girl whose eyes matched Niylah’s.

_“You’re a killer. A murderer. You don’t deserve them.”_

I quickly placed my daughter back into Raven’s arms and turned away, feeling tears bubble up in my eyes. I tried to rub them as I tried to wash away my wife’s harsh and cold words in my head.

“Clarke?” Raven asked with worry drowned in her voice. “Are you okay? Do you need a minute? Should I go get your mom?”

I let out a sob and I put my fist in my mouth, trying to keep myself from weeping. But it barely did anything except draw blood. I watched the blood flow out of my hands and it reminded me of Pike.

“I can’t do this,” I confessed and then turned to Raven, who looked surprised and scared. “I can’t-- there is something wrong with me. I can’t.”

Before I collapsed, I ran out of the room. Once again, I didn’t know where I was going. I found a window and opened it, letting myself breathe in fresh air. I climbed out of it and sat on the small balcony. I looked down at the ground and knew at that moment that if I fell, death would embrace me.

I knew it was dark to ponder how much easier things would be if I jumped. But then again, I knew I wouldn’t. Because of my children. My mother. My promise to Niylah. Lexa. And everyone else that relied on me.

“If you jump, you won’t ever see my brother get justice for what he’s done,” A voice said calmly from behind me.

I didn’t have to turn around to know it was Octavia. She tapped me on the shoulder and shoved me to scoot over. There wasn’t really room on the ledge for the both of us, but she didn’t seem to mind. It wasn’t like she was large, anyway.

“This is a nice view and all, Clarke, if it didn’t seem all suicidal. You know that would be stupid, right?”

I sighed and nodded, but continued to look at the view. I couldn’t handle seeing her face and her reactions.

“Good. That’s good. We need you alive." She paused for a few seconds before adding, "So, I heard that you went all freaky with Raven. Which is understandable since you killed a man today. Not that you did a bad thing, Clarke. You saved Roan’s life. And you saved probably a lot more people with his death.”

“What happened to us, O? Didn’t we crash onto this planet as teenagers? And now, what are we? Warriors? Leaders? Parents? When did we become this old? When did we lose our innocence? When did killing someone become something that I’m expected to just shrug off?”

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her shake her head, her long brown hair flowing slightly in the wind.

“I’m not sure,” She admitted slowly. “But I don’t think people expect you to shrug it off. I know I don’t. It’s been hard, for sure. I mean, when you left, I was used to taking lives. But Lincoln reminded me that it wasn’t who I was. I’ve been able to do it as the last resort, now, under Lexa. It’s never been easy. But I’m hoping our children won’t have to do what we have done. And I guess, that’s how I keep going. Because if we do all this, if we fight for peace, maybe our kids won’t have to.”

She was right. Incredibly so.

“I can’t look at them,” I told her in a whisper. “When I see them, I see Niylah. And I hear her. She’d be so disappointed in me, Octavia.”

She grabbed my hand suddenly and put her head on my shoulder. I had never realized how touchy she was. But I didn’t really mind it. Maybe she just knew I needed the personal contact.

“I didn’t know her, Clarke. But I’m sure that she’d be proud that you did what you had to do to save Roan, to save all the grounders that he was going to kill. And I’m positive she’d be glad that you aren’t dead, which you would be if you let him kill you.”

I shook my head. I wasn’t explaining myself well enough. “She wouldn’t be disappointed that I had to save myself, O. She’d be disappointed that I felt good killing him. That I’m glad he’s dead.”

Octavia remained silent for a few seconds before replying. “I dream about my mom almost every night. I dream that she’s watching me kill one of the several people I slaughtered and she backs away, horrified of what I have done. She’s horrified because I’m good at it. I’m good at killing, Clarke. It’s the one thing I have ever been good at and it’s terrifying. It broke me apart. But I'm better now. It just takes time. You need time, Clarke. To be put back together.”

I nodded and felt her pull me in closer.

“It might take a while, but you have me. You have your mom and Lincoln and Raven and Lexa and everyone else who loves you. But I’m sure you’ll get through it.”

“In the meantime,” I started to ask her. “Can you and Lincoln take Jakob and Axia? I don’t trust myself around them.”

She smiled and squeezed my hand. “Of course I will take them. They’re the sweetest little things. Just like their mom.”

I didn't understand how she could be so _understanding._  

“Octavia?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

She chuckled softly and kissed my forehead.

“I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for such a sad chapter. This story is going to remain pretty dark for a while, but don't worry. It will become light again.
> 
> Also, I know this chapter feels very Clarktavia but don't fret. Clexa's coming soon!
> 
> Thanks for reading, y'all! Let me know what you think!


	16. heal me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa talk. The Commander reminds her that she's human.

Octavia brought back a resemblance of balance inside of me. Asking her to take care of my children was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, but I knew I made the right choice. I wasn’t stable enough to take care of them. And I knew that I couldn’t let anything happen to them. And I… I was too much of a mess to keep them safe.

I walked back to my room for an early night’s rest, but of course, with my luck, I ran into Roan. Seeing him just brought back all the memories again.

He looked slightly disgruntled and shaken up. But who wouldn’t be in his position? A few hours ago, he had a gun to his head. He was prepared to die. And then he didn’t.

I didn’t want to speak to him, but he seemed keen on having a conversation.

“Clarke, I have been searching for you for what seems like hours,” He told me as he put his large hand on my shoulder. Not to comfort me, but it seemed like he wanted to hold something to keep himself steady. “I do not-- I do not know how to thank you, Wanheda. You saved my life.”

I shook my head, trying to end this conversation quickly. “It’s fine, Roan. Really. You don’t have to thank me. We’re all just trying to survive, right?”

He grumbled as if I was being too humble. “Of course, Clarke. But-- it’s not every day that I am on the brink of death and someone saves me. You and Lexa have that in common, I guess.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, not understanding what he was trying to imply. “You mean when she killed your mother?”

Roan nodded and replied, “She did not have to save my life, Clarke. She could have easily taken both of our lives. She did not owe me anything. I have been trying to make it up to her for the past couple of years because of her compassion. You have it too. Whether you realize it or not.”

I glared at him, frustrated that he thought that he somehow understood me after knowing me for a few days. “Roan, I’ve killed a lover of mine. I’ve killed hundreds of innocent people. Children and mothers and families. Does that seem _compassionate_ to you?”

He sighed and shook his head as if I didn’t understand what he was trying to convey. “You misunderstand me. You have power, Clarke. As a leader, as a warrior, as Wanheda. Even if you do not understand it, you could have unlimited power. People would follow you if you wanted it. If you desired power and death, you could command it. And yet-- you do not. You have killed, yes. But only when absolutely necessary. And that, not abusing your power, that is compassion.”

I didn’t know how to reply to that. I wondered why he thought so highly of me. Why he thought that I was much more than I really was. But he was correct in some ways.

“I never wanted the power, Roan.”

He brushed his thumb across my cheek (in a non-romantic way) and replied, “And that is why people love you, Kark kom Trikru.”

I raised an eyebrow but didn’t have a chance to argue. He already began to walk away. I watched as his unbalanced body walked away from me. Roan continued to surprise me with his unwavering support.

“Oh, and Clarke?” He piped up as he turned around with a small smile. “Do not be ashamed of the pleasure you felt when you took his life. No one would expect anything different. He ordered the death of your wife.” He then continued walking and turned a corner, leaving me alone and speechless.

I questioned the validity of his statement as I walked to my room. I opened the door and laid down on my bed. I missed the spot of where my son laid. I wanted to reach over and hold him close to me. But I wasn’t ready for that.

My stomach growled and I remembered that I hadn’t eaten anything all day. My body craved food but I didn’t want any. The thought of eating made me feel nauseous. I knew that eventually, I’d have to. To survive. But honestly, a sliver of me wished that I didn’t have to.

Maybe I needed to talk to Octavia again. But I didn’t want to have to burden her with my borderline suicidal tendencies again. I hated having to put her in that position. We only just started becoming good friends again and she already had to deal with my emotional bullshit.

I closed my eyes and prayed for sleep. I was drowsy, for sure. But deep down, part of me thought that I didn’t deserve a restful sleep. Deep down, I knew I should be drowning in guilt for killing a man. I did feel guilty, but not for the murder. But about how bad of a wife and mother I was becoming.

And yet-- amidst the darkening thoughts, I drifted into unconsciousness.

* * *

_She was sitting on our bed, her long, blonde, braided hair caressing her bare torso. She was staring at the wall, but she was turned away from me. I couldn’t see her face. I couldn’t see her eyes._

_I tried to move to her. I needed to touch her. To hold her. To love her. But I didn’t even budge. I struggled to move a finger. Anything._

_“Niylah!” I tried to shout out, but all that came out was my breath. I tried to scream, but all I became was out of breath._

_Finally, she started to turn toward me. Suddenly, she had our children in her arms. But I flinched once I saw what should have been beautiful, but was horrific._

_My wife was pale and blood spilled from her neck. Axia and Jakob were dead in her arms, their guts ripped out._

_“No,” I tried to say. “No, not possible!”_

_“You killed them, Clarke,” Niylah muttered, her voice shrill and ungodly. “Just like you killed me. You killed them.”_

_No, no, no, no, no, no, no..._

“NO!” I screamed, thrashing in my bed. For a few seconds, I remained blind and felt around for anything, anything to hold on to. Unexpectedly, I found an arm. Without seeing who exactly I was hitting (I presumed it had to be someone not good), I smacked the hand away.

“Clarke, it is only me,” Lexa whispered gently. "I did not mean to startle you."

I knew it was her, but I didn't breathe relief until my vision slowly reappeared. Her silhouette became clearer and I could tell she looked worried. Which she had every right to be. I had hurt her.

“God, I’m sorry,” I apologized as I shakily placed my head in my hands and I curled up into a ball. I wiped the sweat off my forehead, but I couldn’t remove the filth. I couldn’t imagine feeling clean ever again. “I didn’t-- I didn’t see you.”

“It is quite alright, Clarke. But I am concerned. Do you normally lose your vision? Do your night terrors always make you--”

“This crazy?” I finished, knowing exactly what she was thinking. “No, no, Lexa. This is new for me right here. I mean, the nightmares aren’t, as you know. But I don’t lose my vision. And I don’t-- I’ve never hurt anyone. Goddammit, that could’ve been Jakob.”

Lexa sat down on my bed, but she didn’t dare touch me. Not that I blamed her. I would be afraid to touch me, too.

“But it was not your son,” She stated with certainty. “It was only just me. Where are your children, Clarke? I thought they stayed with you.”

“They do-- they did,” I corrected myself grimly. I had trouble finding the words. Part of me was still back inside that dream. Like I couldn’t dig my way out of my unconscious. “I asked Octavia and Lincoln to take care of them for the time being. I can’t-- I don’t trust myself at the moment. Because that could’ve easily been Jakob I just hurt.”

I finally looked up at Lexa who looked lost for words.

“I apologize,” She breathed out, looking almost hurt to say it out loud. “I feel like this is my fault. I was the one that agreed that you could go. I was the one that pulled you back into this. I should not have let you go in this direction. I should not have--”

“I forced you to,” I interrupted, angry that she was putting all the blame on herself, which was the last thing I wanted. “Lexa, you only followed what I wanted. You can’t blame yourself for any of this. This is all on me.”

Lexa almost looked irritated. “You are too hard on yourself. You bear everyone’s burdens but do not let anyone else do the same for you. You killed a man who would have been willing to kill all of your people. You killed a man who would have killed Roan and yourself. You are scared of the pleasure you felt because you are a good person, Clarke. If you were a monster, like you believe you are, you would have killed him with a smile and never thought twice about it. You would not have felt guilt from the pleasure. You have this self-hatred because you are a good person.”

She was right. Normally, I never felt pleasure in any of my kills. They were all out of complete necessity. And so was Pike’s murder. Killing him only felt good… because of Niylah. Not because of the actual killing.

“This guilt that you feel,” She continued, staring at me intensely. “Will make you a better person and leader. It made _me_ a better leader.” When she noticed my confusion and curiosity, she added, “When I abandoned you at Mount Weather, I felt shame for being a bad... I betrayed you. And you were my ally. My... I realized I needed to change. To become a better leader. I thought about you and how you would advise me. That was when I came up with ‘blood must not have blood.’ Ever since then, I have been trying to make up for what I had done. It does not change what I did, but I can change the future. And that lessens the guilt.”

I couldn’t help but be surprised. I never thought that the great Heda would feel so much shame about leaving me. I didn’t have the chance to say ask her about it, because she silenced me with her touch.

She reached over and brushed the hair out of my face. Her fingers lingered for a few seconds and I held my breath.

“If only you saw what I see in you, Clarke,” Lexa whispered, her eyes bearing into mine with intense emotion.

She got up and headed for my door, but I realized in that moment that I did not want her to leave.

Before she could open the door, I called out, “Lexa, how do you think I could work on my own redemption?”

Lexa stopped and turned around, looking… glad? Do I dare think it?

“I think there are many possibilities,” She answered as she walked back and sat down next to me on the bed. She started explaining, and I listened closely to every single word that fell out of her mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, folks! Let me know your thoughts!


	17. deep relief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after... :) 
> 
> Also, they learn about what kind of leader Bellamy has become.

The sun started to spill into the room and I realized that Lexa and I had been talking for hours. Against what seemed like all odds, I felt _better._ Lexa made me feel better (it took a while for that thought to sink in).

It was weird watching her seem to become comfortable around me as the hours progressed. She even seemed to have relaxed as she sat down next to me on my bed. She was kind, warm, and… funny? There were several occasions when she actually made me smile and even laugh.

I didn’t understand it. I didn’t understand why she was being so kind to me. I didn’t understand why she made me feel better. I didn’t understand. But on the flip side, I didn’t really want to question it (she pushed away all those dark thoughts I didn't want).

Lexa noticed the light that seeped into the room as it shined on me. Concern immediately drowned her eyes at the sudden realization that it was no longer night.

“Do you fear that your guards are looking for you?” I asked her, trying to guess why she was so upset.

Surprisingly, she shook her head. “No. Ryder is still outside the door. He followed me here when we heard your screams. I never told him to leave, so he is still there.”

I felt my whole face redden. “Are you telling me that your guard has been waiting outside my door all night?”

She nodded and looked confused at my embarrassment. “Yes, Clarke. What is the problem with this?”

I couldn’t believe that she didn’t understand. “You don’t think that your guard would be suspicious of why the _Commander_ has spent almost the entire night in the same room as _me?_ Oh god.”

Lexa narrowed her eyes at me. “Clarke, my guards do not have feelings about who I choose to see at night.” I raised my eyebrows and she frowned and shook her head. “I do not mean that. That was-- I mean--”

Laughter fell out of my mouth and I told her, “Okay, Heda. Sure. All I’m saying is that when the rumors begin, I’m blaming you.”

She sighed and shook her head. “There have been rumors for quite a long time, Clarke.”

I gaped at her, not knowing what she was referencing. “Lexa... what the hell does that me--” I was interrupted by my door opening. Worst timing ever.

“Clarke--” Octavia said when she opened the door. “It’s Bellamy-- _Heda_?! Why-- what’s going on? Are you uh--”

I quickly got up from the bed. The last thing that I wanted was for Octavia to think that something was going on between me and Lexa.

“It’s nothing,” I tried to explain simply. “O, she was just-- we were just talking.” Once she seemed like she believed what I had told her, I asked, “What’s wrong with Bellamy? What happened?”

Octavia looked between me and Lexa before saying, “Bellamy has become the leader of Skaikru. Which means that no one knows that he saved us.”

“Saved you?” Lexa asked, obviously not knowing what we were referring to.

I slapped my own forehead with frustration. “Dammit, Lexa. I forgot to tell you. We ran into Bellamy as we ran back from Arkadia. He could have killed us. Easily. But he let us go. He didn’t exactly save us. He just… didn’t kill us.”

Lexa nodded sharply, annoyed that I hadn’t told her that earlier. “Octavia, has he done anything drastic as the new leader?”

“Other than being a big dick?” Octavia questioned under her breath. She shook her head and explained, “Not that we can tell. But he seems to be Pike 2.0. He’s telling Skaikru the same bullshit that Pike told them. Though, it does sound like there are more mumbles of rebellion. I think you sparked something in some of the people, Clarke.”

Did that make me feel better? Knowing that I could be the cause of more fighting and more chaos? Maybe… if that meant Skaikru stopped killing our people.

“Everyone is waiting for you, Heda. We’re meeting in the War Room,” Octavia told Lexa.

She raised an eyebrow at the warrior. “War Room?”

Octavia shrugged and replied, “It’s where we plan war, right? It’s what Strikru calls it. Are you guys coming… or what?”

We followed my friend to what she called the ‘War Room’ where leaders and ambassadors were already standing around a table. Instead of Kamos, stood Raven, who raised an eyebrow as the three of us walked in together.

Mom was there and I bit my tongue, angry with myself for not going to see her like I promised I would. I didn’t even let her know I was still alive.

Achilles was the first to speak. “Heda, while we are all glad that Pike is dead, this Blake character does not sound to be any less of a branwoda.”

"And since we killed Pike..." Oriana added carefully before she was interrupted. 

“It was not our intent to take the life of Charles Pike,” Lexa replied sternly. “Wanheda took his life out of necessity. The King of Azgeda could attest to that.”

Everyone turned to look at Roan, and he nodded pleasantly. 

Oriana snorted nastily and stated, “Wanheda seems to be able to do whatever she wishes. And what if she wished for Bellamy Blake to die, Heda? Would you allow it then?”

I felt Lexa shift almost immediately. Now, she seemed like she was on the prowl. “Oriana, _I_ am Heda. Not you. You are my subject, you follow my orders. I understand your anger, but it is misplaced. There is a chance that Skaikru can end themselves. If rebellion is coming, they could destroy themselves.”

I couldn’t help but shake my head. I didn’t want there to be more deaths. Even if it meant that we didn’t have to interfere, there were still innocent people in Skaikru. I thought back to the conversation I had with Lexa about redemption. If there was any way I could make myself whole again, it would have to start with saving people.

“What if Octavia and I meet with him?” I asked Lexa (and the whole group of people that turned to stare at me). Everyone glared at me or shook their heads with disbelief.

“You must be naive--”

“I am _not_ naive,” I told Achilles, seething through my teeth. “Bellamy showed us mercy after we killed his leader. His mentor. He let us live. There must be a reason for it. He is not an idiot. He knows that if we attacked Arkadia, there would be no way he could win. At least we could give him the option. Surrender or die.”

I turned to look at Octavia and she gave me a slight approving nod. Lexa, on the other hand, looked concerned and… something else I couldn’t depict.

“I do not trust Bellamy Blake,” Lexa stated firmly, uncompromising on that position. “I do not know how I feel about two of my trusted advisors meeting with him.”

“But they must meet with him,” Oriana argued. “Wanheda is right, Heda. They have to give the ultimatum. If the boy has any brains at all, he must agree to it.”

Lexa turned to Octavia and Indra and asked, “What do you two think about this thoughtless plan?”

“The ultimatum should work,” Octavia told her. “Bellamy knows that Skaikru is crumbling. And I know that we could convince him to surrender. And Heda, your fear about him attacking us, he didn’t do that when we were alone. Indra?”

“Octavia is a skilled warrior and Clarke has proven herself useful. I do not foresee much danger with them making an offer to the boy.”

Once again, I could tell that Lexa felt like she had to agree. She was obviously torn. She didn’t want to put me in harm's way again. “Give me a plan, and I’ll consider it. This meeting is over.” Without even letting anyone get another word in, she left the room.

“Clarke,” Octavia muttered as she leaned over close to my ear. “Let’s go talk somewhere.”

I nodded and was about to follow her out the door when I heard my mother call out my name. I turned around and watched her approach me with this worried look spread all across her face.

“Mom.”

Her name fell out of my mouth without thinking. “I’m so sorry I haven’t come to see you. I’ve just been--” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know if there was anything I could say. I didn’t have any excuses.

“I know, Clarke,” she whispered when she approached me. She had this sad look in her eyes, but they couldn’t meet mine. It was like she was scared of me. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

I bit the inside of my cheek, hating that she wasn’t comfortable with me. Then again, I hadn’t been comfortable with her for years.

“I have to go talk with Octavia—“

“What could I say to convince you not to meet with Bellamy?” She interrupted, frustration written all over her face.

“What?” I asked, not understanding what she had meant.

She shook her head and grabbed my hand. “Honey, you don’t have to do this anymore. You don’t have to keep fighting. They can handle this if you want them to.”

She wanted me to stop risking my life. Which I understood. She was my parent and she knew that I was putting myself in harm’s way. Maybe deep down, I knew a part of her was right. But I shook my head, causing her to frown with disappointment.

“But Mom, the fight is _not_ over. There is no peace yet. I don’t want to raise my children in a world like ours. I want them to learn that their mom fought for freedom. I know I’m taking a lot of risks. But I’m doing it to create change.”

She sighed, giving up. “I know. You’re just like your father, you know that?” At my hesitant nod, she added, “That’s what scares me.”

“I’m not going to die,” I told her, knowing that I couldn’t promise such a thing. “Mom, listen to me when I say that I’m not going to die. Not in a long time. Okay? But I really have to go talk to Octavia. Because the sooner this thing is over, the sooner I can stop chasing danger, alright?”

She nodded and wrapped her arms around me. “I love you, Clarke.” And then after a few seconds, she said, “Have you eaten anything in the past week?”

“I’m fine,” I lied, rolling my eyes before I pulled away from her and walked out of the room to find Octavia.

* * *

The plan wasn’t that thought out. Honestly, Octavia and I had a hard time predicting the different scenarios. We were almost positive that Bellamy wouldn’t kill us, but we weren’t sure that no one else would. We were walking right into where our enemies live. It sounded almost insane. But at this point, we didn’t think we had many more options that didn’t involve killing a bunch of innocent people.

“I do have to say,” Octavia whispered as we walked to Lexa’s room. “I was a little surprised to find Lexa in your room this morning.”

I groaned and felt my face redden. “We didn’t realize how much time had passed. She came to my room last night when I had a nightmare. She tried to comfort me and we ended up talking for hours. It was kind of weird. Lexa and I-- I don’t know.”

“She cares about you,” Octavia commented truthfully. “I never understood why. Don’t get me wrong, Clarke, plenty of people care about you and you deserve to be cared for. But I always thought that Lexa was this emotionless leader who didn’t care who lived or died. But then she changed the way she ruled. And it was because of you. She sent out search parties for you every day. Hell, she went out to look for you.”

I didn’t know how to reply to that. Part of me knew it. I knew that Lexa cared for me. It was hard to remember that after the betrayal. But I was starting to remember it now.

“She told me she cared for me,” I admitted softly. “Before Mount Weather. She told me that she cared for me. I didn’t mean for her to care. I don’t understand why she cares.”

As we approached Lexa’s room, Octavia turned to me and said, “Clarke, I think that’s pretty obvious, don’t you think?”

I furrowed my eyebrows. _Obvious?_ “What do you--”

“Ah, Clarke. Octavia. Have you both figured out your plan?” Lexa asked once she opened the door. At our embarrassed nods, she opened the door wider and said, “Come in.”

I figured that it was now time for me to explain. “Look, Lexa, we all know that this is our only option. If we don’t do this, the other clans will get antsy. They’ll want some blood. And I don’t blame them. After… Pike… they realized that maybe they won’t get a punishment if they attack Skaikru. They’re tired of not having someone pay.”  

Lexa sat down on the couch in her room. Octavia and I sat across from her.

“I understand. Believe me, I understand all your reasons. And they are good reasons. But you must understand _my_ predicament. You both are two of my greatest advisors. You both are the connection that ties Strikru and the other clans. If you both died, this coalition could break. If you two died, a war with Skaikru would be certain.”

I hadn’t thought of that. Octavia and I shared a look of frustration. Not with Lexa, but with the whole situation.

“We’re the only two people that could do it, though,” Octavia reminded the Commander. “We’re the only two that could get past Bellamy’s douchey-ness.”

“You said this last time, Octavia,” Lexa muttered darkly. After receiving a glare from the warrior, Lexa added, “I’m not saying that I do not have faith in you both. I do. I just do not trust Bellamy. He is impulsive and violent.”

“He follows his heart,” I tried to explain. “His heart broke when his girlfriend died, Lexa. He followed the man that he thought could fix him. But deep down, Bellamy is the same person he has always been. He’s Octavia’s protector and his people's leader. We can do this, Lexa. If you have faith in us, let us do it.”

Lexa’s eyes found mine. She searched mine for what felt like minutes. She was intense, but I didn’t seem to mind.

“We still have a lot to discuss of a surrender,” She finally stated with her head held high. “But I will agree to this plan of yours. If you agree to put that audio recorder thing on you, a tracker, and one of those vests that Raven made.”

She was referring to a bulletproof vest. Octavia and I quickly nodded. Those terms were not too horrible.

“Then you both will go tomorrow. Come. Let’s find Indra and some others. We need to agree on the surrender terms.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> branwoda = fool
> 
> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!


	18. stuck in a moment you can't get out of

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa comforts Clarke the night before she has to go to Arkadia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! Thank you all so much for reading this story! Most of you have been really awesome, supportive, and kind, but recently, the discourse has gotten a little extreme. 
> 
> Please, IF YOU HAVE COMPLAINTS, EITHER BE POLITE ABOUT IT OR DON'T SAY IT AT ALL. ESPECIALLY, DON'T SAY SOMETHING RUDE TO SOMEONE ELSE IN THE COMMENTS. IT'S NOT COOL. AND ALSO, JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE OPINIONS DOESN'T MAKE YOUR OPINIONS RIGHT. THAT'S WHY THEY ARE OPINIONS. PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO DISAGREE.
> 
> I understand that I have made choices that some of you probably don't agree with, but I can't make everyone happy. And in the end, I'm writing the story that I want to write. If you don't like the direction it is taking, stop reading it. Don't bitch about it. 
> 
> And let me say this: this story is about Clarke and Clexa, not Bellamy. I am not pro-Bellamy, nor am I excusing his actions. Just because he hasn't been killed like Pike so far, doesn't mean I think he isn't as bad as him. There are other punishments than death. 
> 
> But thank you to everyone who has continued to read and review!

The plan was set. We spent hours going through every little detail. I was incredibly tired (especially since I spent last night talking to Lexa and not sleeping). I traveled to my room but was surprised to hear noise coming from inside.

“No, little one. She was not killed when she went into the forest. She had to fight her own battles, yes. But this time, she had the forest on her side. Elia had to fight ten trained soldiers. But she was not scared. Because in this fight, the trees helped her. The trees remembered how much Elia and her family honored nature while the soldiers were disrespectful. With the trees on her side, she was able to win her fight and seal a victory for her people.”

It was Lexa’s voice. That was obvious. And she was telling some kind of story. But to whom?

I opened my door and found the Commander squeezed between two children. My children.

“Mama!” Jakob shouted as he got up from the bed and ran to me. I almost hesitated and did not let him touch me. But I needed him. And maybe, I realized after talking with Lexa and everyone else, he needed me.

“Hey, baby,” I said as I leaned down and wrapped my own arms around him. “What are you doing?”

“Heda tell us story!” He cheered, his dimples showing on his cheeks. I hadn’t seen him so happy since his mother died.

“She did?” I asked, turning to the bed to see Lexa get up, carrying Axia in her arms.

“I think your daughter wanted to see you,” Lexa whispered as she brought Axia over to me.

I was slightly shaking when I reached for my daughter. I still didn’t trust myself one hundred percent. But I was starting to accept my actions. I was starting to see that maybe I wasn’t the monster I thought I was after all.

Axia melted into me. Carrying her again felt like home. I needed her. Just as I needed Jakob. They tethered me to the earth and gave me a reason to fight. They gave me a reason to be a better person. One that Niylah would be proud of.

“I thought that you might have wanted to see them before you leave tomorrow,” Lexa told me as she watched the three of us unite.

Lexa understood. Somehow, beneath her tough exterior, she understood me. I stared into those green eyes of hers and told her, “Thank you.”

And I meant it. For everything she had done for me in the past week. In just a short time period, she became one of the most important people in my life. Again.

But then I returned my attention back to my children and said, “I think it is time for bed, kiddos.”

Jakob pouted and cried out, “Can Heda tell us story?”

I was going to say no, but from Axia and Jakob’s facial expressions, I couldn’t say it. They obviously wanted to hear another one so bad.

“Only if Heda wants to,” I told them and turned to Lexa, grinning at her.

A brief smile tore from her lips before she said, “Only one more story.”

My children cheered and ran to the bed. Lexa and I shared a look of amusement. With my eyes, I tried to tell her that she didn’t have to. But she returned a look that I read as ' _but I want to.'_

We climbed into bed, both of us in the middle, between the two children, and I listened to Lexa’s warm voice as I drifted off into sleep.

* * *

I started to wake up once the sunlight entered my room. I felt immensely warm between two sleeping bodies. Axia, at one side, whose innocent face reminded me so much of Niylah. A face I would go to war for. And Lexa, on my other side, her hair almost entangled with mine just as our limbs were.

Jakob wrapped his hands around Lexa’s waist and her arms were around mine. I felt a twinge of serenity in the moment. Like I was entirely whole again.

And then that thought became terrifying. Because it used to be that only Niylah could have that effect. But here, seeing Lexa sleep with the edges of her mouth slightly turned upwards, like she was smiling, I couldn’t help but feel at peace. And to see my children take to her and love her, it made me feel a sense of belonging and acceptance.

I felt guilty that Lexa was the one that could put the family back together. Niylah was dead for a week. Shouldn’t it take longer to feel okay again? Niylah was my protector. My caregiver. She took me in an offered a home. She was easy to love and understand.

* * *

_“Clarke,” Niylah whispered in my ear after she wrapped her arms around me, blending our hot bodies together. “I love you. And I know that you are here because I offered shelter, so I am not asking you to love me back. But I just wanted you to know.”_

_I stared at her and felt a burst of guilt. I lost Wells, I killed Finn, and Lexa betrayed me. Having feelings always ruined something. Living with Niylah was easy. Sex… was easy. She made me feel good. Like I wasn’t a killer. I knew I could love her. Eventually._

_“Niylah… give me some time.”_

_She kissed my forehead and promised me all the time in the world._

* * *

Lexa, on the other hand, was complicated. Our lives together were complicated. And yet— I caught her telling my children stories. I heard her talk with love and kindness. She wasn’t heartless like I once believed her to be. Instead, she has the biggest heart. And I finally noticed.

The brunette finally started to squirm and wake up. I watched as her eyes fluttered open and realize that she was in an interesting position. Her eyes widened and as if I was fire, she quickly moved her hands away. So that she didn’t wake up the children, I pressed my hands on her arms, stopping her from jerking up.

“Shhh, it’s okay. It’s fine,” I whispered gently, staring into her distraught eyes. “We can wake them up in a few minutes. I just have to say something.”

After calming down, she nodded, telling me to continue. I almost didn’t, seeing how stiff and uncomfortable she had become. But I tried to ignore it.

“I have faith that this plan will work,” I told her as quietly as I could. “But if something happens and I don’t come out of there, I want you to take them. Care for them. Help Lincoln and be there for them. I know you can. I’ve seen it in you.”

I watched as tears bubbled up in her eyelids. Her jaw locked and I couldn’t tell how she was feeling.

“Clarke, I told you a long time ago that I would protect them. I will never break that promise to you.”

Her voice was hard, but not cold. She was trying to remain tough, and I appreciated it. If she wasn’t, I don’t know if I would have ever left my bed.

“Thank you. You have been so great to me and my family. I don’t know how I will ever repay you.”

She shook her head and muttered, “Stay alive. That is all I want from you, Clarke.  I want you to stay alive.”

I nodded and bit my lip. It wasn’t something I could promise her. Not with all the danger we were all constantly living in. But I needed her to know that I would try my best. That I would do everything so that I could come home. To my children. To _her_.

“Lexa…”

“You don’t have to say anything. I know.”

She made _the_ face. The one that haunted my dreams from after we kissed five years ago. I spent such a long time trying to forget it after she left me at the Mount Weather. But now I couldn’t shake it out of my mind. Which was the worst timing. Since I was possibly walking to my death later on in the day.

“I have to go meet Octavia,” I told her, ending the moment between us.

She nodded somberly and replied with a heavy burden in her depths, “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!


	19. no retreat (join or die)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Octavia meet with Bellamy and give him the ultimatum.

Octavia and I barely spoke to each other on the way to Arkadia. Neither of us would admit it (we were too stubborn to) but we were both terrified. Not that Bellamy would kill us, but that someone else would. We were walking right into the enemy. We didn’t carry weapons. We couldn’t defend ourselves.

The warrior beside me turned off the microphone on her jacket.

“So, are you ever going to tell me whatever happened between you and Lexa?” She eventually asked as we neared our old home.

I could tell that she was becoming anxious and that she needed her mind on something else. I didn’t want to explain my complex relationship with the Commander. But hell-- maybe I needed a distraction too. And while thinking about Lexa might have been the last thing I wanted a few hours before, thinking about my impending doom was almost worse.

“We kissed.”

She stopped walking and gaped at me.

Quickly I realized my mistake and further explained, “No, I mean, I kissed her five years ago. Before she betrayed us at Mount Weather. But that was right after Finn. So I… turned her down. And then everything happened. And you know the rest.”

“Huh,” Octavia snorted before walking again like she wasn’t too surprised. “I knew it had to be something like that. So… how do you feel about her _now_?”

“God, I wish someone would tell me,” I told her under my breath. “But I’ve got so much else on my mind. It’s hard to think about it. Speaking of something that is hard to think about... Bellamy.”

She harrumphed and shook her head. “I will never be able to forgive him. Even if he surrenders, I’ll never understand why he did what he did. He would have been fine killing Lincoln. Even if he saved Indra, he would be willing to kill anyone who wasn’t Skaikru. That’s unforgivable.”

I nodded in agreement. “There’s a lot he’s--”

“Clarke!” Octavia muttered, putting her hand in front of me so that I had to stop. She pointed to my chest.

I had several red dots on me. And so did Octavia. We slowly put our hands up in the air (as she subtly turned the microphone back on) and waited. For someone to come out and talk to us, for someone to take us, or for someone to kill us. I thought the last option was the most likely out of the three.

It’s odd… knowing that you’re probably about to die. They lie when they tell you that your life flashes in front of your eyes. Instead, what comes to mind is all of the things that you wish you could have had before you died.  Like laughing with Octavia and Raven, being happy and normal. Like walking my mom down the aisle. Like seeing Axia and Jakob grow old and falling in love. Like having more nights with Lexa.

My attention turned to Octavia as she started to mumble something. It wasn’t coherent, but I understood enough of it to know that it was a prayer in trigedasleng. My heart broke. She thought she was about to die.

And then, as if someone had heard her prayers, we heard a rumbling in the leaves and a body started to walk toward us. _Bellamy._ He looked almost ghostly as if he wasn’t himself.

“Lower your weapons!” He called out to the numerous people in the trees as he walked toward us. “No one is allowed to fire. They are _mine_.”

 _His._ His kills. He wanted to be the one to slash our throats or shoot us in the heart. He approached us with fire in his eyes and a steel exterior. I could barely recognize him anymore. He looked like a killer.

“Where are your weapons?” He asked us once he stood in front of us. “Give them up. Slowly on the ground.”

Octavia cleared her throat and told him, “We didn’t bring any. We just came to talk, Bell. Only to talk.”

“I heard that was the lie that _Wanheda_ told my people before she had killed our leader. What plans do you have?” His voice was harsh and cruel. Like he was specifically trying to be someone else entirely.

“We don’t have a plan, Bellamy,” I answered with a shrug. “We just want to talk to you. Without getting killed.”

His lips curled up into a twisted smile. “But here’s the thing, Clarke. I just don’t believe you.” And before I could even comprehend what was happening, he lifted his gun and shot me in the shoulder.

I groaned and fell down onto the ground. I gripped where the bullet had lodged itself in my shoulder. Nowhere close to the bulletproof vest Lexa insisted on us wearing. I stumbled, trying to get up. The pain wasn’t as bad as some of the other injuries I had gone through, but it still hurt like hell. I turned my attention to thinking about Bellamy. Thinking about how to get out of this. Thinking about going back home.

“Bellamy!” Octavia shouted at her brother in anger. She quickly came to my rescue and helped me up. She looked at the wound, realized it wasn’t a big deal, and turned back to her brother. “What the hell?”

He was smirking and said, “I guess you both are right. If someone really was here, they would have run to their beloved Wanheda’s rescue. Come on. Follow me.” He turned his back on us and started walking in the direction of Arkadia.

Octavia and I shared a look of disbelief before we started to follow him. I don’t know what I was more surprised about: Bellamy shooting me or him not finishing the job.

I knew the wound wasn’t fatal, but I tried to cover it up with extra cloth so that I could lessen the amount of blood that I was spilling. I felt the blood in my hands but I didn’t look at it. I stared right in front of me and hoped that I could stay conscious.

But I was getting light headed. Not the kind of lightheaded where I thought I would pass out, but the kind where I almost saw stars in the corner of my eyes. It made me angry. I wanted to be in my best shape for this.

Bellamy was walking fast, and I was thankful. The more I walked, the more adrenaline, the less pain I felt. Arkadia came up fast and I just wanted this all to be over.

The people of Skaikru (the people I used to call my people) stared at us with hatred and fear. They were intimidated, but they couldn’t look away. I didn’t blame them. We were probably seen as traitors in their minds. Especially me.

He led us inside and to the room where the leaders had come up with their most significant decisions. Except for this time, it was only just Bellamy. And us. The second he closed the door, his demeanor changed. His cold stare softened and his shoulders drooped.

“Clarke,” His voice shook as he looked into my eyes. “How’s your shoulder?”

I couldn’t help but be confused. Minutes ago, he looked like he was ready to obliterate us with one punch. And now, he seemed almost concerned...? I turned to look at Octavia, and I was comforted that she seemed just as unsure as I was.

“It hurts,” I grunted. “Somebody shot me there.”

He ran his fingers through his hair as if he was nervous. As if we were the ones holding _him_ hostage. He sat down at the table and put his hands in his head.

“I _had_ to,” He muttered under his breath like he was trying to somehow convince us that he didn’t do anything wrong. “They don’t believe in me. They don’t trust me. I had to show them that I wasn’t going to play nice. They’ll be angry enough that I didn’t kill you on the spot.”

I tried to put together what he meant by that. It seemed like he was trying to say that he didn’t want to shoot me, but he did it for appearances. Which, honestly, as sick as it was, made sense.

I hated him. I wished that he shot me just to be cruel. It would have been easier.

“Bell, you can’t keep doing _this_ ,” Octavia told him. I heard her voice falter slightly. Part of her must have been breaking. I didn’t blame her. “If you don’t like being a leader, then stop. You can end this.”

He looked up at us and I noticed the water in his eyes. He was becoming emotional. Or falling apart. Or both.

“I thought I was doing the right thing,” He confessed, folding his shaking hands on the table. “When Gina was killed, I thought that fighting the grounders was going to be the only way that our people could be free from them. From death and war. I thought… I thought Pike was right. He seemed to be so right.”

I wanted to yell at him for his ignorance. For making the same mistakes that Skaikru made since the beginning. For thinking that somehow Skaikru would win in any sort of fight. For being blinded by his loss.

“Bell, it _sucks_ that Gina died,” Octavia replied, her voice hoarse and uncompromising. “But you can’t blame her death on all grounders. You know that so many of them are good people. People like us.”

His jaw twitched like he had trouble taking that in. I wasn’t surprised. He had spent five years listening to a man whose purpose was to convince people that everyone besides Skaikru was evil.

“We will stop attacking you all,” He eventually said with a strain in his voice. “If you all let us be as well. I will sign a peace treaty if I have to.”

I understood that it was a big deal for him to compromise like that. But it wasn’t enough. Not for me and not for Niylah’s death. And not for others who were killed by Skaikru. We needed so much more than _peace_. We needed justice.

“That’s not going to be enough for us,” I told him bitterly. Once he turned to me with an incredulous look, I glared at him. “Do you think you don’t deserve punishment? For killing hundreds of innocent people?”

“You have killed hundreds of people too,” He argued, fury flowing to his cheeks again.

I gulped and felt the blood rush to my head. I had walked into that one. “You’re right. But I paid for it, didn’t I? I spent five years in almost complete isolation and I lost my wife. Do you think that’s not a bad enough punishment?”

He opened his mouth to argue but then closed it. “Then what _do_ you want from me? From us?”

“The only thing we will accept is complete surrender,” I answered stiffly. “Or of course, there’s a second option. We could send an army and slaughter you all.”

He looked to Octavia to make sure that his sister agreed. She nodded sharply and then he sighed as if he was giving in.

“None of my people will go for a surrender,” He said with a shrug. “I can’t let them know that I agree to one. They would overthrow me immediately. You would have to make it appear like you were forcing us to surrender.” At my understanding nod, he continued, “What will you do with us once we have all surrendered?”

I didn’t know how to answer that question. I knew that some clans would have wanted Skaikru to be destroyed, but I also knew that Lexa wouldn’t agree to that.

“I’m not sure,” I admitted calmly. “I think you will all have trials. Some of you might go to prison. Some of you might be banished. But specifically, I’m not sure.”

He seemed surprised like he was expecting a more permanent punishment. Death, probably.

“Okay,” He agreed with a hesitant nod. “Okay, we’ll surrender. But, I want you to consider letting my people go free. They were just afraid. Don’t imprison them for their fear.”

I wanted to roll my eyes and tell him that their fear massacred hundreds of people for no reason and if anything, they created what they feared. But I didn’t. No matter how mad I felt, it wouldn’t have changed anything if I yelled at him. He was far too gone to listen to reason.

He cleared his throat and said, “I think you both should leave. I’ll expect an army tomorrow, yes?”

Octavia and I shared a look to make sure that we were both on the same page. We both nodded. He got up from his chair and put his hand on the door, but Octavia and I quickly jumped up and held the door closed. He wasn’t thinking things through.

Octavia threw a punch and I was taken aback by her fierce fist, but it didn’t hurt as much as I knew she could have hurt me. I took a deep breath and hit her, directly at her mouth, cutting her lip. A few more punches and hits were thrown until we looked black and blue. My hand ached, my cheek stung, and my shoulder felt like it was on fire. But at least it would help Bellamy seem like he wasn’t being used by us.

Bellamy looked surprised that we were able to do that so easily. It annoyed me. Octavia and I were fighters. None of this touched us.

He escorted us outside. People stared at us again, but they seemed to be amused by our wounds on our face. It gave Bellamy some leeway. His people wouldn’t be that suspicious. His gun dug into my back, but I barely felt it. I barely felt any pain.

Octavia and I completed our mission.

Skaikru was surrendering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!


	20. pandemonium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Octavia arrive back in Polis and the clans discuss the fate of Skaikru.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like always, translations are at the end!

Bellamy left us in the middle of the woods. Octavia and I were both stunned. That our plan had worked and that we were somehow still alive. She was trembling and I had felt waves of nausea. Neither of us spoke. There was too much that had happened that we had to process first. There was too much to handle.

As we neared Polis, we found Indra waiting for us. She embraced Octavia like a mother would embrace her daughter. She whispered something in the young warrior’s ear and Octavia nodded.

Indra then turned to me, noticed the gunshot wound, and asked, “Are you alright, Wanheda?”

I nodded briefly, trying to push through the pain. Besides, admitting I was hurting wouldn’t make me feel any better.

“Good. The others heard everything. I believe Heda is already discussing plans with other advisors and leaders. I was asked to take you both to med bay.”

Both of us shook our heads immediately. There was no way we weren’t going to be a part of the decision-making process after _that_.  

Indra didn’t seem surprised. She merely nodded and led us back to the High Tower. Walking back into Polis was like walking home from battle. Octavia and I were covered with bruises and scars. We looked like we were beaten down. Except, with our heads held high, we only reminded them that we were tough and untouchable. That we were one of them. That we were fighting the good fight for all of us.

We followed Indra into the High Tower and heard the clamoring from not very far away. It was obvious that people were arguing through screaming matches. However, the second the guards opened the large doors, the room of yelling leaders became silent. The group of people stared at us but all I could do was search the room for any sight of Lexa.

Of course, she was in the middle of everyone as if she was the one trying to moderate the conversation. She looked up and her relieved eyes found mine. Without speaking, I tried to tell her, _‘I’m fine. I’m alive. I look worse than I feel.’_ She nodded grimly, her eyes never leaving mine.

“We have been debating what to do with the people of Skaikru once they have all surrendered,” Lexa explained as we joined the people standing around the table. “Some of us believe that imprisonment isn’t enough. Isn’t that right, Achilles?”

He grunted and slammed the table. “It isn’t enough, Heda! They killed hundreds of our people! And we should do what, let them live? Giving them a short death would be merciful.”

His comment caused chaos to circle around the table. Shouting and spit flying, it seemed like there was no one on the same side.

I understood his anger and fury. And the sick and twisted part of me wanted to nod, agreeing with his dangerous desire for vengeance. But I quickly shook away those destructive and deadly thoughts and remembered what people had told me over the past few days. About redemption and compassion and what people truly deserve.

Suddenly, I cleared my throat, feeling a surge of words flood to me. “I feel your frustration, Achilles,” I told him and the group of people who had become silent. “You lost your houmon. I lost mine. We all lost people we loved. But we have also all been those people on the other side. We have been the murderers and scavengers and the bringers of darkness to other families. We have continued this never-ending cycle of death because it is all any of us have known. On the ground and in the sky. Your lack in faith in ‘blood must not have blood’ comes from a fear of the unknown. But we have to end this cycle, Achilles.

“Because if we don’t, our children will become killers. Or they will be killed. And yes, it would be easy to just end their lives for what they have done, but don’t some of them deserve the chance to realize that they were wrong? Shouldn’t we allow them the chance to understand our culture and our lifestyles? I am not saying they should go free or ever go free, but I think that prison would give them a chance to work for their freedom.

“I believe in redemption. Because if I didn’t, then nothing I would do could redeem myself for all the lives I have taken. I will spend my whole life trying to earn redemption for killing hundreds of your people. Our people. We should give them the same chance.”

I waited to see their reactions. Not many seemed to outwardly disagree with me, but not many were nodding their heads. I seemed to have stunned them all into silence (which would have been an achievement if it wasn’t such a serious situation).

Since Achilles didn’t argue with me immediately, I took that as a win in itself. But then, he stood up and said, “Wanheda, you have only lived with us for a few years. This has been our livelihood for generations. Since the first Commander. I do not wish for my son to have to kill and murder as I have, but I also do not want him growing up thinking that his father’s murderer was never brought to justice.”

His words echoed in my ears and his face became blurry. I blinked, but my sight didn’t improve. Something was wrong.

Trying to push my way through the pain, I said, “Prison _is_ justice. It might even be a harsher punishment. In prison, they have to live with what they did. Just like... just like…” I trailed off, my eyes suddenly feeling heavy. And then, I watched as Lexa’s eyes widened, fear tracing her face, and I wanted to ask her what was wrong. Except, I couldn’t. The darkness swallowed me up before I got the chance. 

* * *

  _I got used to the smell of fish on her skin. I even learned to love it. Her skin was rough but her touch was delicate. Like she didn’t want to break me. She couldn’t-- she wasn’t capable of it. Her lips were warm but distant. As if there was an invisible barrier between us that didn’t allow me to fully complete her._

_“Your thoughts are heavy on your mind tonight,” She whispered before pressing her lips to my neck, sending shivers down my spine. “How can I alleviate your burdens?”_

_I didn’t have an answer for her. I never did. And she never really expected one. She always offered, though. And then held me a little closer that night and mumbled sweet fantasies in my ear. She did all that she could to keep me happy and sane like it was her duty. It hurt that I couldn’t be as much of a help for her. I owed her everything and I could give her nothing compared to what she had given me._

_“I love you,” I told her for the first time, hoping that it was enough compensation._

_She responded by wrapping her body around mine and led me into a euphoric state until the morning came._

* * *

Noises started circling around me. They flooded in and out like I was passing between consciousness and unconsciousness. The noises grew stronger over time. Slowly, I started to be able to depict voices and sense once someone was approaching what I had assumed as a cot. I couldn’t open my eyes, no matter how much I tried. I was utterly frustrated. And tired.

The first sentence I could comprehend came from someone I recognized.

“Commander, it’s okay. You can go rest for awhile.” I could tell Raven was annoyed with someone (presumably Lexa) and I wanted to tell her that I was fine. That everything was fine.

“I am your leader,” Lexa hissed back at her, with an uneasy edge to her voice that I just wanted to erase with a small touch. “I will stay if I want to stay.”

Raven sighed and replied, “Fine. But you need to rest at some point. You have to be awake to be a good leader, right?”

I wanted to wake up at that exact moment, knowing how Lexa would react to something like that. She didn’t understand Raven.

“Raven,” Lexa muttered, her voice bitter and angry. “I think that you should leave before I rip your throat out.”

“I think _you_ need a chill pill. But I’ll go, Commander Bossypants.” Raven retorted before walking away (with what I imagined as a dramatic strut).

I heard Lexa sit down next to me. She took a deep breath (as if she was struggling to stay calm and relaxed). What I didn’t expect was her reaching for my hand. It wasn’t a strong grip like she was afraid she would hurt me. It was more for comfort. For her comfort or for mine, I wouldn’t know.

“Em laik ai lukot ba em ste tofon. Ai nou na teik yu gon we nowe. Ste kamp raun ai, ai laik yun.”

My throat felt dry when I most wanted to speak. My hands felt weak when I felt the urge to squeeze her hand. My eyes felt heavy when I needed them to open, to tell her that everything was fine. That she didn’t have to worry any longer.

“Momma!” I heard Jakob yell from across the room, causing Lexa to immediately let go of my hand. I heard his little feet dash across the room and I wanted to get up so that I could embrace my son and tell him how much I loved him and loved being his mother.

“Careful, Jakob!” Lincoln shouted, following my son close behind. “You don’t want to jump on her.”

“Lexa,” Jakob greeted as he approached me. I could feel his small hands on mine and he whispered, “Why is she sleep?”

“She’s recovering,” Lexa answered sweetly, her tone less harsh than it was with Raven. “She will be awake soon. And then you can tell your mom what you have learned from Titus and Gaia today.”

I wanted to hear it so desperately. With all the energy I could ever muster, I pried my eyes open.

“Momma!” Jakob cheered and wrapped his arms around me.

I couldn’t help but groan at the pressure his body created on my shoulder wound, but I didn’t mind the pain. Not when I had my little boy in my arms.

“Clarke!” Octavia and Lincoln gasped in perfect harmony. They looked astonished and thrilled that I had woken up.

“How long have I been out?” I asked them, doing everything I could to not look at Lexa after hearing what she had said to me.

“Only a few hours,” Lincoln answered as Jakob snuggled into my chest and drifted off into sleep. “Axia and Aurora are with Murphy and Emori.” I nodded before he added, “I’m going to go get your mom.” He quickly walked away and Octavia and I shared an amused look.

She looked disheveled with her bruises and cuts and dark circles under her eyes. I wondered if I looked the same or worse.

“You scared us, Griffin,” Octavia muttered sadly. “I should have taken you to med bay immediately once we got back. Fucking Bellamy.”

I snorted but knew that she was mostly serious. “It was my decision. I didn’t think it was hurting too bad. I felt a little dizzy, but nothing I didn’t think I couldn’t handle.”

Octavia rolled her eyes dramatically and turned to Lexa like she just realized she was there. “Heda, thanks for staying with Clarke. After you left with Clarke, the clans talked it over. They think that all Sky people need a trial. They aren’t completely fond of the prison option, but I think there can be some more convincing.”

Finally, ignoring the fact that Lexa has been at my side this whole time, I glanced over at Lexa to see her reaction. She genuinely looked surprised at what my friend had told her.

“Who continued the meeting?” Lexa asked her, an almost cold tone to her voice.

“Well, I did,” Octavia admitted carefully, her voice becoming gradually lower and more defensive.

Lexa was silent for a few seconds before saying, “I’m impressed, Octavia. You have become a great asset.”

A slow grin appeared on Octavia’s face. “Thank you, Heda!”

“Clarke!” My mom shouted, causing all of us to turn to look at her, interrupting our conversation. “Thank god you’re alright. How are you feeling?” She started poking and prodding me with medical tools.

“I’m fine,” I told her, frustrated with her sudden invasiveness. “Is my shoulder okay?” I asked, pointing to my bandaged wound.

She nodded and crossed her arms. “It was getting infected, which is why you fainted. But don’t worry, everything is taken care of. I even iced up your face. Who hit you?”

My eyes flashed to Octavia who frowned in embarrassment.

“I did,” she told my mother. “We had to make it seem like Bellamy roughened us up.”

“She’s got a nice punch,” I added comically, trying to lighten the mood.

“Well, she didn’t break anything. I guess that is a nice punch in the whole grand scheme of things. Once you are discharged, you two ladies might want to talk to Marcus about Bellamy. He’s feeling some guilt again.”

We both nodded and I asked, “When am I being discharged?”

Mom avoided my eyes when she answered, “Oh, a few days.”

She was lying. She just didn’t want me to go to Arkadia tomorrow with the others.

“Mom, that’s ridiculous. I have to go tomorrow. I’m feeling fine.”

“I am not sure you should go, either, Clarke,” Lexa piped up for the first time since my mother and Lincoln rejoined us. After receiving my glare, she added, “Many things could go wrong. It isn’t a safe enough mission for someone who is injured. I will take your place.”

“No,” came out of my mouth before I could stop it, causing both Octavia and Mom to gape at me. They didn’t know how freely I spoke to Lexa. I never talked to her like she was my ruler. Always as my equal. I took a deep breath and said, “Heda, you can’t go. That would be too much of a risk. You’re much more important alive than any of us.”

“Yes, but Skaikru needs to see what leader I am. I fight, Clarke. I am doing this.”

“Then I’ll go too,” I stated firmly. “I could help things go more smoothly. I _have_ to go. You all know it.”

Octavia didn’t need much convincing. We were partners in this. All the way. She knew I had to go. Mom, on the other hand, looked beyond frustrated. She didn’t understand why I kept risking my life.

“Clarke, how can you be saying this with your son on top of you? How can you keep doing this?”

I shook my head, annoyed that she still didn’t understand, no matter how often I tried to explain it to her.

“Because I’m doing _this_ for him,” I growled out. “For Axia. I’m trying to create a better future. One that needs a good and alive _Commander_. So I am going.” Stubbornly, I pulled out the cords connected to me, held Jakob tighter, and moved so that I could get up.

“Clarke--” Mom tried to say before I interrupted her.

“I have to do this. I know you don’t understand. I need to pursue this until the end. I need an ending. Because then, maybe, for once, I can rest.” Once her face looked defeated, I got up and walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Em laik ai lukot ba em ste tofon. Ai nou na teik yu gon we nowe . Ste kamp raun ai, ai laik yun = she is my friend but it is difficult. I am never going to let you go. Stay with me, I am yours.
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading! Reviews are super welcome, so let me know what you think!


	21. all we know is falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to Arkadia they go...

Our plan was to leave in the middle of the night so that we would arrive at dawn. Even after hours of listening to military tactics and spending the night with Octavia, Lincoln, and Raven, sleep still hadn’t come. I laid in bed, stared at the ceiling, and felt water enter my eyes.

The night before a battle, I felt dreadfully homesick. I missed the simple life of being a mother and trader. I missed having scars that only faded. I missed having a constant comfort of touch and love. I missed her.

She didn’t always understand me. She didn’t understand my pain, fears, or nightmares. She didn’t understand my vacant stares or empty voices. She didn’t understand my past; my life in the sky or on the ground. She didn’t understand my losses or the feelings I had for people I had lost. She didn’t understand, but nevertheless, she always accepted me. She never asked for me to change or act differently. 

It was hard to not fall for that support.

It was hard to deny her love.

It was hard to say no.

And after the complication and fierce betrayal of Lexa, it was all too easy to choose Niylah. But now she was gone, and Lexa was here and she made everything feel so confusing. And I hated that. Because I’m loyal to Niylah. She’s -- was-- my wife, and yet I wasn’t able to shrug away the way I felt in Lexa’s arms or the smile on my face when she interacted with my children.

Finally, when I felt like my brain was going to explode, I got up and walked out of my room to find some water. On the way, I bumped into Monty. Literally.

“Clarke,” He muttered, looking almost stunned to see me. I had been avoiding him after our conversation about Jasper.

“Monty,” I breathed out, feeling awkward and unguarded. “Sorry about that. Didn’t mean to run into you there.”

He shook his shaggy hair and smiled gently (he always had the most comforting smile). “Don’t worry about it. Are you doing okay? I heard that you fainted today.”

“I’m fine,” I told him with a reassuring smile. “How are you and Harper doing?”

“We’re doing alright,” He replied before adding, “I just wanted to thank you. I’m not sure anyone told you, but my mom lives in Arkadia. I know a lot of people were ready to go in and massacre them all, and I know you played a part in convincing them to not do that.”

“A lot of that is Lexa--”

“Which means a lot of it is _you_. Clarke, you can’t deny that most of the Commander’s orders come from you. But that’s beside the point. I know what happened to your wife. I know that you could have easily convinced everyone to demolish Skaikru. But you didn’t. And I will be forever grateful. I know my mother has done horrible, unforgivable things, but I couldn’t-- I don’t want her to be dead.”

I understood where he was coming from. As much as I hated his mother for being a part of something so twisted and immoral, his words comforted me. I finally felt sure of my decision.

“Monty, I’ll do what I can to make sure that she isn’t killed. And I’ll try to make sure she gets a fair and just trial.”

He smiled and pulled me into a warm hug. I almost forgot how much of a good friend and comfort he was in my life. I finally remembered how much I missed him and needed him by my side.

“I’m glad you’re back, Clarke,” he whispered in my ear. “I really missed you.”

“I missed you too, Monty. I’m so happy for you and Harper, by the way. You’re going to be an amazing father.”

Once the hug ended, he said, “Thank you. Speaking of my lovely wife, I better get back to her. I’ll talk to you later, alright, Clarke?”

I nodded and watched him walk back to his room. I wasn't thirsty any longer. 

* * *

The army was bigger than I expected. Apparently, every clan wanted to take part in helping Skaikru surrender, which wasn’t a surprise. This would be a satisfying moment that everyone wanted to take part in and I didn’t blame them.

It felt empowering having a whole army behind you, though it oddly felt a lot like Mount Weather. However, this time, I knew there was no way Lexa would betray us. And as annoyed as I was that she came with, I was glad that she stood there by my side. We didn’t speak to each other. Hell, I never met her eyes, but I felt her presence and it made me feel calm. Well... as calm as you can be during something like this.

And on the other side stood Octavia. I could tell that she was worried. With such a big army full of people looking for vengeance, something was bound to go wrong. And I knew that as much as she was furious at what Bellamy became, he was still her brother. She didn’t want him to die. She wanted him to be punished and for him to realize that he was wrong, but she didn’t want his throat cut or his head shot.

The lighter it got, the closer the army approached Arkadia, and the more energy flowed through the group of people. We were ready for Skaikru to be an enemy of the past.

Lexa allowed Octavia, Indra, and I to take the lead of the army. Once we neared the camp, Achilles passed me a voice amplifier. We gripped forearms. As much as we disagreed, I knew he was ready for this to be over. And he knew this was our best option.

As expected, once we approached the gate, about twenty armed people aimed their weapons at us. We didn’t surrender. We aimed our weapons at them and I raised the amplifier to my mouth.

“You’re not going to want to shoot,” I told them, my voice booming from the contraption that Raven created. “If you do, all of you will be dead in seconds. Your population is what? At the most, three hundred? We brought more than a thousand people here today. And if you don’t want to be killed, lower your weapons. We’re not here to kill you. We’re here to arrest you.”

I watched as their weapons started to waiver and shake. They were terrified, and they had every reason to be. One person lowered their weapon to the ground, and then slowly, the rest followed. Their hands went up and a sigh of relief escaped my mouth.

Octavia pointed to Team V and they quickly pushed the once-armed group of people to the ground and put their hands in zip ties. The rest of us pushed through the gate and watched as people exited Alpha Station and put their hands up in the air. Including Bellamy.

“Don’t worry,” Bellamy called out to his people. “Don’t fight back. No one will get hurt if everyone surrenders.”

“Put all your weapons on the ground and get down on the ground. If you don’t fight, we won’t either,” I added in the amplifier.

People followed my orders, including Bellamy. They all got down on the ground and our people arrested them. Octavia sent another team inside to find any remaining people. As they came out with a few remaining Sky People, I felt like something was off.

It happened in a matter of seconds. I saw a man reach into his pocket and toss something in the direction of… _Lexa._

An explosion roared and I flew back to the ground. My head banged on the ground and a ringing blared into my ears. Smoke filled my lungs, my head rattled, and I was sure that I re-damaged my shoulder, but none of that matter. 

 _Lexa_.

Wobbly, I stood up and pushed back the pain. I knew nothing was more important than finding Lexa. I ran over to where she was standing before the explosion. But I couldn't find her. I screamed her name and searched the area surrounding for her. I wouldn't stop looking for her. I needed for her to be alive. I couldn't lose her.

I didn’t pay attention to the swarm of people around me or the dead bodies that scattered the ground. I barely noticed the smell of burning flesh or the screams in my ears. 

And then I saw her. There was no way I could have missed her. I mapped Lexa's face long ago, and even as blood, ash, and dirt covered it, I could tell it was her. I couldn't immediately tell where the bleeding was coming from. I collapsed to the ground and felt her neck for a pulse. And I found it. She was _alive_. But my burst of relief didn't last long. I could tell something was wrong. She wasn’t waking up. I scoured her body for where the blood was coming from. 

Finally, I found it. Shrapnel pierced her abdomen and she was bleeding out.

“No, no, no,” I cried out trying to do anything to stop the bleeding. I ripped my clothes and pressed her stomach, hoping it would slow things down. But I knew it wouldn't be enough.

“Help!” I screamed, hoping that someone would see me. I pressed my other hand to her face, trying to wake her up. “Nou wan op! Lexa, open your eyes! Ai gaf yu in!”

Lexa’s eyes fluttered open and she weakly grabbed my hand. “Clarke… Ai gonplei ste odon.”

“No,” I shook my head, hot tears spilling from my eyes. I grabbed her hand harder and begged, “Ste kamp raun ai! Yu gonplei nou ste odon. Oso gonplei nou ste odon.” Everything started to feel fuzzy, but I pressed on. I had to. “You have to stay alive. So that I... I can be yours… I want to... I want to be...” Blackness faded into my eyesight and I all I felt was Lexa's hand before I drowned in the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nou wan op! = Don’t die!  
> Ai gaf yu in! = I need you!  
> Ai gonplei ste odon= my fight is over  
> Ste kamp raun ai! = stay with me!
> 
> You guys knew that Skaikru still had tricks up their sleeves. 
> 
> Let me know what you guys think!


	22. cliff's edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke wakes up.

Fuck.

My head _ached_. Instinctively, I reached for my head but winced once my fingers touched a bandage. I didn’t remember hurting my head.

“Clarke!” Octavia called out with a concerned tone. Her voice sounded odd and quiet like I couldn’t quite hear her right. I opened my eyes and found her running to my side. “Don’t touch that! Your mother said that it’ll take a while to heal. She’s working on other patients at the moment. Obviously, she has a lot of them.”

A lot of them? I leaned up and found every cot in the room taken by an injured person. And immediately, it all came back to me.

“Lexa!” I gasped and tried to get up, causing Octavia to push me back down. I growled, “Where is she? O, let me up! I have to see her!” She frowned, and I expected the worst. I was used to the worst. “No. No, Octavia, she can't be dead.”

Her eyes widened and she quickly shook her head. “No, Clarke, she’s alive! But no one is allowed to see her. At least, those are Titus’ orders. She’s getting special treatment or something. I don’t know. No one is really sure what is happening behind those closed doors.”

I felt anger flow through me. Of course, Titus wanted to keep people away from her.

“I still have to go see her. He can’t stop _Wanheda_.”

“Clarke,” Octavia warned, and pressed harder on my body so that I couldn’t get up. “I got orders that you couldn’t get up. You got a concussion and you burst an eardrum. You won’t be stable enough. But don’t worry. I will make sure you see Lexa as soon as possible. You have my word. But you need to take care of yourself first.”

I hated that she was right. I nodded and noticed that she was also scraped up. “O, what happened? I remember them surrendering and then there were so many explosions.”

“Remember Kyle Wick?” At my hesitant nod, her eyes darkened and she explained, “He threw explosive devices at Lexa. Raven is still trying to figure out what the hell they were. Lexa was his target, I think. But luckily, his aim was shit. It killed more of Skaikru than our own people. Only fifteen of ours died.  Almost fifty of theirs were killed. Except, the explosion was a big enough distraction that three of them got away. Now, we have two hundred locked up.”

“Our people didn’t retaliate?” I asked, surprised that a full-on war wasn’t incited.

She shook her head. “Achilles shot Wick with an arrow, killing him on the spot. But the explosion forced the rest of Skaikru into complete submission. Besides, more people were worried about you and Heda. We all thought you both had died.”

I felt the lump in my throat grow. I scared her and I hated that I put her through that. “Octavia… I’m so sorry. I didn’t--”

“It’s not your fault,” She told me with a flick of her hand. “I’m just glad you’re okay. I don’t know what I would have done without you. Especially with the shit with Bellamy… I need you, Griffin.”

A smile tore from my lips and I grabbed her hand. “I need you too, Blake.”

* * *

Raven was all laughter, though I could tell that most of it was forced. She and Wick might have never been a real couple (and they might have had years of separation) but she still trusted him at one point. And he turned into a killer. It was hard not to connect that to Finn.

“All I’m saying is, I know that Monty is going to be a father and all, but if I asked, he could get us a batch of his best moonshine. And after these shitty couple of days, I think that’s looking pretty damn good.”

Octavia and I shared an amused look.

“I think that I would be happy to watch you both get wasted, but since I’m already high on pain meds, I think I shouldn’t. The doctor in me thinks it’s not such a good idea.”

Raven snorted and moved her chair closer to my cot. “I like how that’s your first argument before being, you know, a mom.”

Octavia gasped, more offended than me, and said, “Hey, Reyes. I’m a mom and I’m still a badass.”

“You might be a badass Blake, but you don’t have fun. You don’t let go. And, hey, I get it. You’re a parent. And you’re a wife to a really chill dad. I’m single-no-ties-Reyes. What happened to being teenagers and young adults, eh? I feel like we missed that time where the three of us could just get wasted and dance like there was no tomorrow.”

Her tone was light, but there was a heaviness to her voice. And I could feel it deep inside of me. I could feel Raven’s sadness and frustration. I hated that we were robbed of growing up. I hated that the three of us never got our chance to be fearless teens who only had to worry about turning in assignments or dating.

Octavia sighed and reached across my cot to hold the other brunette’s hand. “It’s not fair. You’re right. But this is what we’ve got. And while it’s fucked up and not what we deserve, I think that we have to take the chances that we’ve got.”

I nodded, feeling the tears swell up in my eyes. “You know, when we were gunned down by Skaikru the other day, I thought of all the things that I hoped that I could have before I died. And one of the things I thought of was about the three of us. The three of us being normal, well, as normal as we can be.”

Raven snorted and replied, “Sappy, Princess. But yeah, I get it. Hell, I hope for it still. Maybe when all of this is said and done, we can find some normalcy. Cause I plan on being the cool Auntie Raven for as long as I live. I love you guys.”

“Wow, now who’s being the sap?” Clarke asked, a grin forming from her lips, causing the two other girls to laugh as well. “Well, I for one appreciate everything you both have done for me. I know I should have said it earlier, but I’m sorry for leaving. I shouldn’t have run away. I sh--”

“You don’t have to apologize, Griffin,” Raven interrupted with Octavia nodding along with her. “Sure, I was pissed at what you did at first, but no one blamed you. You were struggling and needed some time. We all get that. We’re just glad you are back. Well, at least I am. Guess I can’t speak for Blake.”

“Oh shut it. She knows how glad I am to have her back. It’s always good to have fellow parents who actually recognize your struggles. Parents besides Murphy. Not that I don’t like Murphy. It’s just that… it’s Murphy.”

Raven and I nodded, understanding exactly what she wasn’t saying.

Changing the conversation, I asked, “So, Raven, are you trying to tell me that you haven’t had any romantic interactions with anyone in the past five years?”

The brunette glared at me, causing Octavia to chuckle and say, “Oh, I know for sure that there was--”

She was interrupted by the loud footsteps of a young boy. Aden.

“Wan--Clarke!” He corrected himself as he approached her, out of breath.

I raised my eyebrows, surprised to see him of all people. “Aden! Are you alright?”

He nodded and said, “I heard that you wanted to be kept up to date on Heda. I overheard Titus say that she was awake. He had to go somewhere for a while and there is only one guard at her door. You have an opportunity to see her. I’ll help you if you want it.”

Hope filled up my chest. I turned to my best friends who shared an amused smirk.

“Will you guys help?” I asked, pointing to my numerous injuries. “I have to go see her.”

“Yeah, we know you do, Princess,” Raven replied smugly. “Of course we’ll help you disobey your mother. It’s our favorite thing to do. Right, O?”

“Of course,” Octavia responded with a wink. “Come on, Clarke. Get up. We’ll help you out.”

* * *

If it was any other occasion, I would have laughed at the group of us. Aden sneakily led us around the High Tower so that no one caught us as Raven and Octavia were holding me up to make sure I didn’t fall. Or pass out. Or both.

I smiled once we got to Lexa’s room. Luckily, it was Ryder guarding her door.

“Ryder, please let me in,” I begged him once he caught sight of the four of us.

I could tell he was having trouble not laughing at us and the mess that we were. “Titus ordered me not to let anyone inside.”

“Right, but Titus _isn’t_ here. And Titus  _isn't_ Heda. And I’m sure if Lexa could order you to do something, it would be for you to let me inside. You know that I’m right.”

He sighed and said, “If Titus catches you, I will put all the blame on you.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t want it any other way,” I told him with an appreciative smile.

A grin appeared on his face and he quickly moved aside. I turned to my cavalry and told them, “Be my lookouts, will you? I’ll be okay. I promise. I just need-- I just need to make sure that she is okay.”

They nodded and I opened the door.

“Titus, this is unnecessary. I am fi--” Lexa stopped talking once she saw that it wasn’t Titus entering her room. I hated how pale she looked. She never looked so… so hurt. She quickly tried to get up, her face becoming more white as she winced. “Clarke? How are you--”

“Shhh,” I interrupted and rushed to her side. “Don’t move. It’s okay. I’ve got you. Actually, I’m here because of Aden. He told me that Titus had left. And I had to come and see you. I thought you-- I thought you _died,_ Lexa.”

She frowned and reached for my cheek. “I am not dead, Clarke. However, I thought it was my time as well. I thought I was going to die. But then you-- Clarke, your head.”

“Oh, that?” I asked, pointing to the bandage around my head. “Just a little concussion. No biggie. Nothing compared to what happened to you. How are you? What’s Titus doing for you that is so special? Is he taking good enough care of you?”

A soft chuckle fell out of her lips. “While I appreciate your worry, it is unnecessary. I am doing better. Titus is helping me heal. How are our people?”

I shrugged and answered, “Well, I haven’t met with our people yet. I’ve kinda been stuck in med bay with the company of Octavia and Raven. They helped me get down here. O told me that Skaikru is locked up and Indra sent people out to look for the few escapees.”

Lexa nodded, trying to take all of that in. But she seemed to have difficulties. She stared at me, her eyes digging into mine as if she was trying to find some answers in there. She didn’t blink.

“Clarke…” she started to say as I noticed tears swell up in her eyes. As a tear fell, I wiped it away. I didn’t know why she was crying. I didn't know what I was doing that was upsetting her. 

“Lexa?”

Her body became stiff and she looked away.

She then whispered so softly, “What you said in Arkadia, next to me when I thought I was dying, I heard it all.”

Fuck.

What I had told her when she was dying... I couldn't explain why I had said those words. I just didn't want her to die. I didn't understand why I had said those things to her.

She looked back at me and I could tell she was waiting for an explanation. A reason for my almost loving confession. But I just didn't have one.

I bit my lip as I struggled to find words. I struggled to find something to hold onto. I wanted to help her and ease her pain by answering her question but goddamn it I _couldn't_.

I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff and Lexa was on the bottom, waiting for me to jump. But I was scared. Terrified, honestly. Because I knew if I jumped I could break apart. Or, Lexa could catch me and save me. It was a risk I couldn't handle. I needed to keep myself tethered to the ground. For the sake of my sanity, my vulnerable and newly mending heart, and my children.  

Saving myself from having to reply, the door opened and Octavia shouted, “He’s coming!”

Lexa grabbed my hand, her action begging me to stay. But I couldn’t. I _couldn’t._

“Lex, I have to go. Titus will be angry—"

“I do not _care,_ ” she replied, tears streaming down her pale face.

“I’m sorry.”

I let go of her hand and ran out of the room with my head pounding. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. The four of us ran back to med bay and with our horrible luck, we found my mom glaring at us from where my cot.

“Mom—"

“Clarke! You were not ready to get up!” She yelled as she walked over to me and started poking and prodding me again. She angrily forced me back down on the cot and asked, “How do you feel? Dizzy? Lightheaded?”

I rolled my eyes, though that didn’t help the ache from my head. “I’m fine.”

“Clarke! I’m your doctor right now. Tell me the truth.”

I watched as the three others slowly stepped away and then ran out of the room. I was left alone in this explanation. Typical. 

“Okay, my head hurts a little. But I had to go and see L— the Commander! It was the one time Titus had left her room. I needed to make sure she was okay!”

Mom stared at me as she crossed her arms. After many uncomfortable seconds of her glaring at me like I was a kid again, she sighed.

“I know, Clarke. Believe me, I don’t understand why you continue risking your life for that woman, but I know. Next time you want to go somewhere, please just let me know first so I can check and make sure everything is alright. Because that could have been a disaster.”

I nodded honestly, knowing that I wasn’t planning on visiting Lexa any time soon.  Not after that. Not after she made everything so much more confusing.

“Good. Because I don’t need any more injuries from you for a while.”

I smiled and told her, “I don’t want any injuries either. Hopefully, that will be a thing of the past now. Maybe we can finally rest.”

A smile emerged from her lips and she replied, “Yeah. Maybe we can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Review if you can! Let me know what you think!


	23. that's what you get

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finally has an honest conversation with Bellamy Blake.

During the next three days, I spent my time in med bay surrounded by an insane amount of friends and family. The pandemonium was appreciated for it kept my mind off of Lexa and the words that we exchanged to each other. It kept my mind off of the way she looked at me, hurt in her bed. It kept my mind off of the fear I felt when I thought that she had died. It kept my mind off of the way I felt when I found out that she didn't.

I spent most of my time with Octavia, Lincoln, and the kids as she continuously kept me updated with what was happening with Skaikru and the rest of the clans. Unsurprisingly, the guards of the prison were being malicious toward Skaikru. It was apparently very difficult finding guards that showed any sort of compassion toward them. Even Strikru refused to watch over them peacefully. Not many were happy that we decided to keep them alive.

Except for Monty, who continuously visited and told me how happy he was that his mother arrived in Polis without any injuries. Harper joined him a lot of the time and asked a lot of questions about parenting. It was nice sharing advice that didn’t have to do with war or being a leader.

Raven visited as often as she could when she wasn't trying to figure out how to create a better system for the Skaikru prisoners so that they didn’t need as many guards. She and Sinclair were working around the clock to find a solution. She was stressed but was happy to work to keep her mind off of Wick.

Murphy dropped by occasionally with Emori. Every time I spoke with them, I couldn’t fathom how two people could love each other as they did. It was obvious that he was trying his hardest to be the kind of person that he thought Emori deserved. Even though it seemed like she loved him either way.

Roan came by to check on me. He told me that he was glad that I was alright and that if I had been killed that he was sure he would have killed every person of Skaikru. That didn’t make me feel any better. Sometimes, that man was overly dramatic. As much as I appreciated his offering of friendship, he could be problematic.

I spent more time with Mom and Kane and genuinely enjoyed their company. It appeared that he was treating her well and I couldn’t be gladder that they found each other. It seemed like they needed each other.

Indra even stopped by once to tell me that people were tracking the escapees but that they were having trouble. The three people of Skaikru had a good head start. I worried about the fate of the three people and the people looking for them.

My most surprising guest was Achilles. He bluntly told me that I annoyed him but had the potential of being a good leader. It was an odd conversation, but I hoped that it meant that he was starting to see from my perspective.

Even though I had a few eventful days, I was thrilled once my mother told me that I could finally be discharged. 

“Hey, fearless leader!” Raven called out as I packed up all of my things from the cot. “Word around town is that they are letting you out. I’m still surprised that your mom didn’t lock you up just to keep you safe.”

I snorted and replied, “You and me both. I’m just ready to sleep in my own bed. I’m supposed to go meet with O and Lincoln so that the kids can play. Want to come with, Auntie Raven?”

“I would love to, Princess,” She told me as she helped me with my stuff. “So, you haven’t asked about Lexa since you visited her three days ago.”

I sighed, hating how observant she was.

“She’s out of her room. I thought you’d want to know. You know that you're probably going to see her some point, right? You can't avoid your leader.”

I inwardly groaned. I wasn’t ready.

“You can stay silent, Griff, but I’m thinking that you might want to talk about it.”

I shook my head and told her, “Later, Reyes. I’m not ready to talk about it.”

She stared at me and eventually nodded, giving up. “Alright. Let’s go, blondie.” 

* * *

“Have you gone to see Bellamy?” I asked Octavia as we watched our kids play a few days later once things had settled down.

“Have I gone to see the brother that was probably the one who came up with the idea of throwing explosives at my leader? That’s a hard no, Clarke. Besides, I think Bell told them all to be silent. He probably wouldn’t say anything to us even if we went.”

I nodded, understanding how she felt. I didn’t know if Bellamy came up with the idea. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. No, it actually sounded a lot like him. He knew that Skaikru didn’t have a chance to escape a horrible fate and tried to cause as much damage as possible.

But I wanted to see him. I wanted to make sure before all the trials started. I wanted to hear for myself. I wanted to _understand_.

“Because you’re my best friend,” I told her anxiously, not knowing how she’d react. “I’m going to tell you that I’m going to see Bellamy.”

“I know,” She replied, not showing a smidge of a look of surprise. “I know you, Griffin. I know you wouldn’t be able to stay away. I don’t blame you in the slightest. Just let me know what he says, okay? And be honest. Even if he acts like a psychopathic dick.”

I nodded immediately. There was no way I could keep anything from her either way.

“So…” She said, changing the subject awkwardly. “Have you gone to see Lexa recently? It’s been what, a week? Raven thinks you are avoiding her.”

I rolled my eyes. “Of course she does.”

“Are you?”

I narrowed my eyes at her, but I couldn’t exactly deny it. “I’m not avoiding her precisely. I’m just not going out of my way to communicate with her.”

“Is that why you haven’t been coming to any of the meetings?” She asked me curiously. “People are looking for Wanheda’s opinions, you know. You were the one who wanted the prison and trial thing. You should be there.”

I groaned, hating that she was right. I should be there with them, making decisions and helping out but I didn’t feel the overwhelming desire to get back in there. Not with the whole Lexa thing all up in the air. 

“I’ll be there for the next meeting,” I promised her. “Is everyone still on the same page about the trials?”

She nodded and answered, “Mostly. There are a few still looking to spill blood, but everyone seems to agree with Lexa, thank god. You still think prison is the best way to go?”

“I think it’s the only way to go. So, how’s Lincoln?”

“He’s wanting another child,” She admitted what seemed like very carefully like she wasn’t sure she wanted to tell me. I nodded, telling her to continue. “I don’t know how I feel. I mean, we have plenty of time for kids. That’s what I keep telling him. I love Aurora, but she was kind of a… happy accident, you could say. And I just want time. I want things to become permanently stable. Or… as stable as things could be. Am I sounding like a horrible person?”

Without hesitation, I shook my head. “God, no. I completely understand. It was all Niylah who wanted kids. I was dead set against it.”

“So why’d you agree to it?”

_She smiled her smile. And I knew that there was nothing I could do to resist her embrace, resist her comfort, resist her love. There wasn’t anything keeping me away from her. There were no walls between us. I ran out of excuses. I couldn’t deny her love any longer. I was hers. I owed her everything._

_Which was why I married her. Which was why I promised her my entire soul as we got branded with matching symbols. Which was why I’d give her the world if she asked for it. Which was why I’d do anything for her. Anything._

_“We should have children,” She whispered subtly as I cooked fish that she caught that day. “You would be a good mother.”_

_I disagreed. I was reckless, uneasy, and had a tendency to drown in what if’s and broken memories._

_But then she smiled her smile._

Subconsciously, I rubbed my forearm with the raised skin and shuddered at the thought of her.

“Because I’d do anything for her.”

She raised her eyebrows as if she was surprised that my answer wasn’t ‘because I loved her.’

* * *

They were practically cages. I wasn’t surprised by the inhumanity of the cells that the people of Skaikru were held in, but even as I walked by all of them, I had to hold in my breath and wonder if I was doing the right thing. I had lived in a small room all alone for a year. It was torture.

But as I passed by the people that I used to call my own, my second thoughts vanished. I could take all the derogatory comments. The hissing and yelling and bitter ‘go float yourself’s were easy to handle. But then I heard the comments about Niylah. About my children. About my so-called betrayal by sleeping with the ‘enemy.’ My skin crawled and I wanted to shove the knife I was carrying into their throats. After that, I didn’t feel so guilty about their unsanitary conditions.

Bellamy’s cell was at the end of the long row. He was by himself (in fear that he could spark a rebellion if he was around others). He was laying on the ground and didn’t notice when I approached him. He was as pale as before but he had dirt covering his whole body. He disgusted me.

“Blake,” I grunted, not able to say his first name. “Blake, get your ass up.”

I watched as he jerked upwards, almost toppling over himself. His gaunt face made me question if he was being fed. I wouldn’t have been surprised if some of the guards had ‘forgotten’ to feed the leader. Though, I wanted him to stay alive long enough so that he had to live with all the lives he took. I didn’t want his suffering to end with a death. Now that, that would have been merciful.

“Clarke,” He breathed out and hurried to the bars of his cage. He reached his hand through it as if he expected me to comfort him. “Clarke, you _have_ to get me out of here. I haven’t eaten in days.”

An unsettling laugh escaped my mouth along with the words, “Well, what did you expect? Did you think that your little bomb trick would have gotten you a free pass? Normally, people don’t like it when others try to kill their beloved leader.”

I saw his body tense up. He immediately removed his hand away from the bars like he realized that I could have easily cut off his hand.

“It didn’t work,” I told him, tasting the anger in my mouth. “I don’t know if anyone told you, but it didn’t work. Lexa is alive.”

His eyes twitched before he replied, “I should have been the one to throw them. I knew Wick didn’t have it in him.”

I felt the burning fury ignite inside again. The same fury that had erupted after Niylah’s murder.

“And she was one of the people that didn’t want to kill you. Now, I can’t promise you a thing. If I was her I would take off your head.”

“Well, then why don’t you tell her that, Princess? Word is that you can convince your precious Commander to do anything. You fucking her, too?”

My hand, as if acting on its own, lunged at his throat. His fingers scratched at my hands, causing them to bleed. But my grip around his neck didn’t loosen. I could watch the life escape his eyes if I wanted to.

But as I said, killing him would be merciful.

I let him go, causing him to fall back onto the ground and search for air. I almost enjoyed his struggle to breathe again.

“You can’t do it, can you?” He coughed out, his hands grasping at his purpling neck.

“No,” I stated firmly. “I can. I could take your life easily. Hell, I would do it right now. But you still have to pay, Bellamy Blake. I’m not letting you off so easy.”

And I walked away, not letting him get in another sick and twisted word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!


	24. our time is short

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa finally talk.

 “Yo, Griffin!” Raven yelled out, chasing after me down a hallway. When she finally approached me, she asked, “Did I hear right? Did you go see Bellamy?”

I rolled my eyes, hating how fast word got around about that kind of thing. Then again, it could have easily been Octavia who told her.

“I did. Here’s some advice: don’t go see Bellamy. I almost killed him.”

Raven narrowed her eyes at me as if she couldn’t tell if I was serious or not. “How injured did you leave him?”

After much inner debate, I confessed, “He may or may not have a purple neck right now.”

She raised her eyebrows but didn’t seem too horrified. “I don’t blame you. After what he’s done, I want to hurt him too. Has he changed your mind about the whole prison thing?”

I shook my head and answered, “No. Actually, the opposite. Killing him would be too easy. He deserves to be locked up forever. He could have killed Lexa.”

“Yeah, but she’s pretty indestructible, though. She bounced back faster than humanly possible. Do you think it’s because she’s the Commander? Or do you think Titus actually gave her like really awesome drugs or something?”

“Are you just trying to get me to admit that I wouldn’t know how she was doing because I haven’t seen her in a week?”

“Oh no,” Raven deadpanned. “You caught me.”

I bumped into her shoulder frustratedly. “Don’t mess with me, Reyes. Octavia has already pointed out that I should go talk to her.”

“And she’s right _._ You know I love you, but you’re being an idiot. Avoiding her won’t solve any of your problems. And I’m sure you are confusing her with all the silence treatment. You aren’t going to fix anything by not talking to her.”

Sometimes Raven annoyed me with how right she was. I loved her bluntness until it made me realize that I was being an idiot.

“I told Octavia that I would go to the next meeting. But I’m guessing that you both think I should talk to her one on one.”

“Now you’re getting it, blondie!” Raven cheered before nudging me. “I know that you probably have a good reason why you're avoiding Commander broody. But I’m sure that if you tell her what you are worried about, everything will work out.”

I raised an eyebrow at her and said, “Look who’s being all optimistic.”

“What can I say? I’m optimistic about you and the jaded Commander making up. Even though you haven’t even told me why you don’t want to see her.”

I glared at her, not ready to talk about something that personal and fresh. Besides, I didn’t want to admit any of the feelings that I was having for Lexa. I still wanted to push back all of those bubbling feelings that made me feel guilty.

Once Raven realized I wasn't going to tell her, she sighed, “Okay, fine. You don’t have to tell me. But you should tell someone. It’s not good to hold that kind of stuff in.”

“You can see how that’s ironic coming from you, right?”

She grinned and shrugged, obviously not caring at all. “I never said that I wasn’t a hypocrite.”

“Whatever. Look, I gotta go to my room to bandage my hands.” I said, pointing to my scraped hands where Bellamy tried to rip them away from his throat.

She said goodbye and swiftly walked away.

I headed to my room to find the door slightly ajar. Never a good sign. Especially since I knew that Axia and Jakob were spending the night with other children and natblida of Polis. There was no reason for anyone to be in my room. I gently pushed open the door and I was struck by a voice that immediately called out.

“When you did not show up for the meetings, I thought that you needed some time away from all of the politics. I understood that,” Lexa whispered with an edge to her tone that made me shiver. She was sitting on the bed looking torn apart. “But then you refused to see me after I sent guards to collect you. You told them that you could not speak to me. So then I thought that you needed some time away from all of it. That it was overwhelming you. Again, Clarke, I understood. Your people were attacked by the people that you used to lead. I understand that pain. I feel that pain for you. But it has been a _week_.”

I bit my lip, still standing at the door, watching her unravel in front of me. Everything hurt watching her confess how broken I made things. I hated the pain I inflicted on her.

Here she was. Alive and upset that I abandoned her when she probably needed me the most. I left her because of my fears. _I left her_.

“I never meant to do this,” I admitted, finally having the courage to speak and move closer to her. “I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to push you away or ignore you. I never meant to say those words to you when I thought you were dying in front of me. I never meant to hear the words that you spoke when I was in the hospital. I never meant to ruin so many things. I never meant to do this. To… to Niylah.”

Lexa stared at me with a look of utter astonishment. She stood up and slowly approached me. Once her body was so close I could reach out and hold it, I felt my chest tighten. This, I recalled, this was why I didn’t want to see her.

“I never would ask for more than you wanted to give, Clarke. I would never do that to you. I would never betray you like that. I understand the complications. I understand the destructive timing that we continue to stumble upon. I do not need anything from you. You are alive, Clarke. That is all that I could possibly ask for.”

I wanted to collapse into her arms and beg for forgiveness. Tears spilled into my eyes because if I wanted it, she would give me comfort, something I didn’t deserve.

“But what if I can’t ask for what I want?” I breathed out, choking on the words as they spilled out of my toxic lips.

“I have learned that time is quite a remedy for desires, Clarke. I can give you all the time in the world.”

A sob broke out of my mouth. Niylah, too, offered me the same amount of time. And she could only give me some.

“You almost died,” I coughed out shakily. “You almost died in front of me. I don’t think my heart would have been able to handle that.”

“I never wish to break your heart,” Lexa replied quietly as I avoided her eyes. “I can not promise you that I will never die, that is impossible and naive. But I can promise that I will stay yours. That I will stay with you for as long as you need me. For as long as you want me.”

She was offering more than I could return at the moment. I hated myself for it. Hell, part of me hated _her_ for it. Part of me loved her for it. I was a disaster.

“Do not cry,” She whispered, putting her hand on my cheek to wipe my tears away. “Never cry over me. I will leave you, now. Can I expect you at the meeting tomorrow?”

Wordlessly I nodded. I didn’t think there were any words left inside of me.

She smiled gently before removing her hand and leaving me alone with my destructive thoughts.

The room was silent and I felt myself fall into an abyss of self-doubt and fear.

I loved Niylah and then she died. I was in love with her. I was in love with her? I loved her. I _loved_ her. I… I loved her. I… love… Lexa? 

I just didn’t know anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the later update! I've been so busy recently! I hope I will be able to post twice a week again, but if I can't, you can rely on me for posting at least once a week. 
> 
> Let me know what you thought about this chapter!


	25. all i want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter where many things happen.

I barely slept that night. I liked to think that it was because my children weren’t in my room with me, but I knew that there were many reasons for my insomnia. Lexa filled my thoughts all night along with the guilt that thinking about her brought. I tried to think about Niylah. I tried to think about the woman I married.

_I winced as she cleaned my cuts on my arm. She was delicate and warm and everything I thought I should ever want._

_“You are having the dreams again,” She whispered and put her homemade ointment on my scratches. “You should wrap cloth around your arms again. It helped last time.”_

_“I’m sorry,” I told her, embarrassed of what was happening. “I don’t know why this is happening again.”_

_“You do not have to apologize, Clarke,” She promised me and kissed the top of my head. “You heard what the customer said yesterday, did you not? About the Commander leading armies to find you so that Azgeda does not. You always flinch when someone talks about her.”_

_I felt my body tense up. There was no way I was ready to talk about Lexa. Not after everything she did was still so fresh._

_“You felt things for her,” Niylah inferred and kissed me again lovingly. “Her betrayal caused you pain. And now when others mention her, you try to push that pain away. But you cannot do that when you sleep, Clarke. That is why you scratch.”_

_I bit my lip, hating that she could see through me. Hating that she knew about my feelings for Lexa. Hating that she wasn’t horrified by them._

_“I don’t want to think about her,” I confessed darkly._

_“You cannot help how you feel, Clarke. Love has no boundaries. Love is fluid. No one could blame you for how you feel. I do not.”_

I didn’t understand her. I had spent months with her, living with her, sharing a bed, doing things which couples did. And she didn’t blame me for having feelings for someone else. It was extraordinary in some ways. That she could offer me love even when I couldn’t return the feelings.

I looked up at the ceiling and prayed for answers to fall on top of me. I prayed for a simple explanation.

I wanted someone to tell me I didn’t want Lexa. I wanted someone to force me to recall the love I was supposed to feel for Niylah. I wanted someone to tell me that I was crazy for even thinking about the Commander in the way I thought about her.

There was a sharp knock at my door and I leaned up feeling my heart accelerate. When the door opened and my mom entered, I sighed with relief that it wasn’t Lexa.

“Raven told me that you’re having a hard time,” She said as she sat down on my bed. At the roll of my eyes, she added, “She didn’t have to say what it was for me to know that it has to do with Lexa.”

I moved over in my bed for her to lay down next to me. We hadn’t done this since I was much younger. During the days that I told her about my flings and small crushes. During a time when I wasn’t worried about anything more than relationships.

“Mom…”

“Now, I may not be a big fan of the Commander,” She interrupted suddenly, like she had planned her words before she said them. “That isn’t new to you. You know about the problems that I had with her. I never understood her. Maybe it was because I didn’t understand the culture. Maybe it was because she considered you as a ruler and I was bitter. It was probably all of the above.”

I narrowed my eyes at her, not understanding why she was babbling about her problems with her leader.

“I didn’t understand why you trusted her. She only seemed to connect with you, and none of us could understand _why_. Not that you aren’t wonderful, Clarke. I do believe that I missed a lot of what happened between the both of you. There were probably moments you shared that I wasn’t aware of. You were the connection to the grounders, Clarke. Specifically Lexa. And as bothered by it as I was, I thought that it was the one thing that gave us a chance of survival.”

She noticed that I was staring at her with complete disbelief. I thought that nobody paid attention to the relationship that Lexa and I had before the events at Mount Weather. And I definitely didn’t think that she thought about our relationship.

“But then she abandoned you at Mount Weather and Lexa became a typical grounder to me again. She lost the potential I thought that she once had. And then you left. And I thought we were all going to be slaughtered. But then, miraculously, the Commander didn’t kill us all. And then she wanted us in her coalition. And then she saved us when we broke apart from Skaikru. And it was like you were still here, Clarke. Because every decision she made she had you in mind.”

Mom startled me with her observations. I thought she purposefully went out of her way to make it known that she wasn’t a fan of Lexa or the relationship I had with her.

“Why are you--”

“I thought that your father was the only one for me. We started dating when we were teenagers and I never thought I would love another man. Your father was everything to me, honey. I loved him more than anything. But that didn’t mean that I couldn’t love Kane, too. What I have with Marcus is different than what I had with your father. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t love him or love him any less.”

Tears entered my eyes, knowing exactly what she was referring to. She was trying to relieve my guilt about Lexa. She was trying to tell me that what I was feeling wasn’t wrong.

“I like to think that your father would be happy for me that I found Marcus. I know he would be, don’t you think?”

Crying heavily, I nodded and wrapped my arms around my mother.

“I don’t want to betray her,” I confessed in a whisper. “I had her children. I married her. I loved her. I tried so hard...”

“I know,” She replied calmly, holding me as tightly as she could. “But that doesn’t mean that you can’t love Lexa, too. It might be different, but it isn’t wrong. I might have not known Niylah, but I am sure that she would want you to be happy.”

Maybe she was right. But there was still this nagging thought that was eating away at me.

“Isn’t it too soon?”

Mom chuckled softly and replied, “After losing your father and being in almost constant terror for years, I’ve learned that life is incredibly short and fleeting. You can’t wait for happiness. If you think Lexa can make you happy, don’t wait. You never know what will happen in the future.”

“It’s a huge risk,” I confessed with dread lingering in my throat.

She smiled and brushed my hair behind my ear like she used to when I was a kid. “Loving someone is always a risk. If it wasn’t, then it wouldn’t be worth it.”

She was right. And though they should have been words of comfort, it startled me with a realization that I did not love Niylah as I should have.

I loved her, I did. But I wasn’t in love with her. And maybe, I realized, it was because I was still in love with someone else. There wasn’t room in my heart for anyone else. For anyone other than Lexa.

“I think that you know what to do now,” She told me and kissed my forehead. “Though I am glad to see that you still need your mom.”

Tears filled up my eyes again before I replied, “I’ll always need my mom.”

* * *

 _Tomorrow._ My plan was to talk to her about everything after the meeting tomorrow. But then tomorrow came and everything went to shit. I became nervous, jumpy, and as Octavia said so elegantly, I looked ‘horny and nauseous at the same time.’

“Why are you so worried about this meeting?” She asked me as we both walked to the meeting together.

I sighed, “I’m not worried about the meeting itself.”

“Ah,” Octavia said as if she somehow understood what I hadn’t revealed. “It’s not the meeting itself, it’s the person leading it.”

I nodded and admitted, “We talked last night. It was… difficult. But I talked it through with my mom and I decided that I need to talk to her again.”

“And tell her that you’re interested?” She rolled her eyes at my glare and said, “You can keep trying to deny it, Clarke, but we all know. And I for one support you.”

“So you don’t think that trying this would be a mistake?”

She shook her head immediately. “Not dealing with your feelings would be the mistake. Unfortunately, Raven is prone to--” She stopped once we reached the ‘war room.’ The room was heavily guarded, which wasn’t a surprise since all of the major leaders were inside.

We entered the room and felt the air escape us. Everyone’s eyes turned toward me and Octavia, which was slightly surprising since it wasn’t like we were late. My attention quickly focused on Lexa, however. After her eyes found mine, she quickly looked away and she glanced down at a paper in front of her. It was obvious that she didn’t want to look at me. Which was understandable after how I treated her.

“Wanheda,” Achilles greeted and got up to approach me. “I am glad you are back. Come. Sit with me. We were about to discuss the upcoming trials. Heda believes that some of our people could act as judges of some sort.”

“Like a jury?” I asked, sitting down next to him as Octavia found Indra and told her something on the opposite side of the room.

He nodded and said, “I believe so. Some of us are torn, however, and think that Heda should be the one to make final decisions. Or that all clan leaders should make the decision together.”

I was torn as well. I didn’t necessarily like the idea of Lexa making all the decisions (nor did I think she should have all of that weight on her shoulders) but I was afraid of the public making a decision at the same time.

“Can I suggest banishment?” A woman I hadn’t seen or heard had said all of a sudden. She was beautiful, but different. Like she had a different, what I could only explain as an aura, around her.

Others turned to her and almost grimaced like they didn’t want to hear her opinion or thought that she didn’t have a right to voice one. That pissed me off.

“Why do you think banishment is a good idea?” I asked her, hoping to hear what she was thinking. Maybe we could compromise.

Before she had a chance to reply, Oriana interrupted, “You were banished. You don’t have a right--”

“Heda lifted the banishment!” The woman yelled back. “I have every right to be here. I am the _leader_ of Floukru.”

“Enough!” Lexa shouted, causing everyone to go silent. “Luna, explain to Clarke why you believe banishment is a better idea than imprisonment.”

_Luna._

Infamous Luna that I had heard about for years but had never met. Everything started coming together with her now.

“If we took away everything from them, weapons, food, supply, we would not have to hold them hostage. We could just let them go.”

“And forget everything that they had done to us?” Oriana argued furiously. “They deserve death for what they did. We cannot just let them go! They are savages!”

“And you were able to thrive after your banishment! You started your own clan! They could do the same!” Eucleides attacked, spit flying everywhere.

Luna snorted and retorted slyly, “They are not _nearly_ as smart enough to accomplish what I did. I had what it takes to survive alone. These people, they do not understand our land. They do not know how to survive alone without any of their technology or weaponry.”

I thought that I would be against banishment. But the way she argued it, I somewhat agreed with it. But I couldn’t let them go. I couldn’t let them go and constantly wonder if they were going to retaliate or find new ways to hurt my people. I’d live in a constant state of worry.

“Luna, I understand your point,” I said, making sure that no one else had the chance to yell at her before I got my point across. “Keeping them in prison would mean using resources that we don’t have. We would have to control them for years. We would have to have constant security and have faith in the security. Banishment would remove all of that. And honestly, if we banished them, without food, weapons, clothing, or shelter, they wouldn’t survive long. But it’s the chance that they would which is what makes banishment so… worrisome.”

The woman stared at me for a few seconds, her eyes searching mine as if she was trying to process who exactly I was. She then nodded as if she accepted my statement.

“So, we continue with the trials,” Lexa stated calmly. “Maybe we should have a mix of leaders and the people to make a decision.”

No one seemed to be against it. We then as a group decided that the choices would be random as to not create bias. Though, some of us wouldn’t even be apart of the decision making. People like me and Achilles who obviously had personal connections. Though, that was difficult in itself, since everyone seemed to be touched by the death that Skaikru brought.

The discussion continued about picking dates. Sooner than later was the consensus. We decided to start with the trials tomorrow, starting randomly. We were going to leave Bellamy last, to try to learn all the horrific things he had done before he went before the ‘court.’

Lexa hadn’t looked at me once. She didn’t even speak to me, which was odd. She usually vocally agreed or disagreed with me. She hadn’t said a word. It was obvious to me that she must have been angry or upset. Or maybe… I broke her heart. Maybe just being here in the same room hurt her.

I wanted to talk to her. After my conversation with my mother, I just wanted to tell her where I was with our potential… relationship? If that was even the correct word.

After the meeting ended and people started to leave, I got up and headed toward her. I needed to talk to her. I needed to let her know how I was feeling. I needed to explain myself and alleviate her pain. I needed _her_.

But as I moved toward where she was sitting, she was gone. Nowhere to be seen. I found Octavia, though. I quickly approached her and asked, “Have you seen where Lexa has gone? I need to talk to her.”

Octavia looked around the room and shook her head. “No, I haven’t. Why? What’s wrong?”

My eyes never leaving the group of people scattered around the room, I replied blankly, “Nothing’s wrong exactly. I just-- I just need to talk to her. But I think she’s mad at me. She didn’t look at me once.”

“So you admit that she stares--”

“O.”

She stopped talking and frowned as if realizing that I was extremely serious. “You really are going to tell her, aren't you?”

I nodded with almost a touch of embarrassment. I wasn’t used to this kind of thing. Talking about feelings… it just wasn’t my thing. I only used to do that with Wells.

“Then go to her, Clarke. Go to her room. I’ll ask around to see if she went anywhere else. Go.”

I grabbed her hand and gave it a slight squeeze, trying to thank her wordlessly. I didn’t know how I would have been able to do any of this without her. She smiled at me gently but then nodded toward the direction of the door, telling me to go.

I ran.

Through the hallways, past the guards, I heard people yell at me and ask where Wanheda was going to. I ignored all of it.

Ryder was outside her door and I asked him breathlessly, “Is she in there?”

“Yes. But she told me she did not want to be disturbed.”

He was doing his job, I understood that. But he really annoyed me at the moment. Because I just needed to talk to her.

“Ryder, I like you. You’re faithful and loyal to your Commander, and that’s great, but I need to talk to her right now. I _need_ to see her.”

He frowned as if he felt guilty about not letting me through. He looked torn and murmured, “You cannot be the exception to the rule--”

“Have you ever had a person you needed so much that when you aren’t around them that it physically hurts?” I asked him, the words spilling out before I had the chance to stop them. “Have you ever had words at the tip of your tongue but are so afraid to say them because they’re so delicate? So easy to break? But then when you’re ready to say it, they’re burning and exploding because you’ve been waiting for so long to say it. And--” I stopped once the door opened and Lexa stood there, looking angry and confused and beautiful.

She didn’t have to tell me to come in for me to walk into the room. She closed the door and crossed her arms as if waiting for me to explain.

“I didn’t mean to say all that stuff to your guard,” I told her anxiously, my stomach hurting from the fear and worry that this could go horribly wrong. “I just-- needed to see you. But you are mad at me. Which is understandable. I-- I haven’t treated you right. I don’t want to list all my excuses. You probably don’t want to hear them. I’ve made so many mistakes, Lex. I’ve said all the wrong things. You’ve been here for me, patiently waiting, and I’ve stepped all over you. Truth is, I thought it would be easier.”

Her eyebrows furrowed and I watched the anger slowly dissipate. Slowly, as to not scare her, I moved toward her. The sun was starting to rise and the light started to infiltrate the room. It bounced off her body as if she was reflecting the warmth. I was attracted to it. I wanted to soak it up and cover myself with her radiation.

Softer now, I continued, “I thought if I could ignore my feelings I could just pretend like everything was okay. And then there was the guilt I felt about Niylah. I didn’t lose her too long ago. I thought I was betraying her, having these feelings. But what I didn’t realize was that the feelings I have are different than the ones I had for her. She was… everything to me. She was my shelter, my safety, my home. She took me in and showed me how to come to terms with what I had done and become. I loved her for that. I still do. There’s a part of me that will always stay with her and that will never change.

“But what I feel for her, what I felt, in many ways, doesn’t _compare_ to how I feel about you. It’s different. It’s more fragile. It’s scarier. Riskier. But loving you isn’t a choice like it was for Niylah.” Tears flooded my eyes and I noticed that her face started to become red as well. “You make my stomach flutter, Lexa. You make my heart race. You infuriate me. You understand me. You _see_ me. You make me feel warm and bright. And it doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t. Because I don’t understand how I could feel this much for someone.

“And I know this will complicate things. I have kids. You’re the Commander. Commanders don’t bond, I know that. They don’t have partners. They don’t fall in love. They don’t--”

She shut me up by pulling my waist up against hers and pressing her lips on mine. Her mouth was familiar but new at the same time. She had the same taste that I remembered so clearly, but there was a different force driving us. With a moan, I deepened the kiss. My fingers became entangled in her hair and her hands pressed harder against my back as if she wanted to push me even closer to her. There was a fierce desire between every movement. Like we were afraid that something would separate us if our mouths weren’t pressed hard against each other’s. All I wanted was more of her.

Like there was gravity pushing us, she pressed me up against the wall, causing me to let out a short groan, needing _more_. She let out a soft giggle and I wanted to replay the sound she made in my mind forever.

Her fingers started to explore my body and I moved my lips to her neck and collar bone, sucking her sweet skin.

“I have waited so long for this…” She whispered and I felt the corners of my mouth moving upward.

This time, I pressed my buzzing lips to hers with a gentle touch. There was no rush.

But then the door opened and just like that, we were apart. I immediately tried to fix my clothes as she tried to brush her messy hair out of her face. I ached for her but knew I couldn’t touch her. Not until we were alone again.

“Heda! I apologize for the interruption,” Indra shouted once she and a few guards entered the room. None of them seemed to realize why I was in her room and I breathed a sigh of relief.  “But there has been an attack!”

The relief left as soon as it came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to make Abby likable and a good mom. 
> 
> Did you guys enjoy the kiss?
> 
> Thanks for reading! Please review if you can!


	26. some unholy war

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and company find out about the attack.

We ran to the war room, fearing the worst. Indra told us that she didn't know what had happened but was told to get the Commander immediately. The suspense was killing me, especially when it seemed like everyone knew from what I could tell by the horror-stricken faces all around the room once we had entered. 

“Heda!” Geta, one of Lexa's close warriors, informed her. “The remaining Skaikru attacked Trishana Kru!”

I felt the air escape my body like someone had put a hole inside of me and I deflated. 

“How many are dead?” Lexa asked, taking the words directly out of my mouth. Her tone was forced, but I could hear the fear laced in the words.

“Nearly thirty,” Geta answered solemnly. “The ones who survived are being brought here. They were attacked only a few miles from here. And… And one of the dead is Achilles.”

The sudden shock wore off. _Achilles._ All I felt was anger surge through me like a bolt of electricity. I didn’t seem to be the only one. I saw the look of violent fury on all of the faces around me. No one was expecting this. And yet-- when Skaikru was involved, the death and pain seemed to be inevitable.

“Did Skaikru manage to get away?” Oriana asked Geta with her heated temper that I finally could measure up to.

Geta nodded and admitted, “The people that were attacked were either killed or severely injured. Skaikru got away easily.”

“What are they planning?” Roan asked the group of people, looking lost for words. 

“I don’t know,” Octavia piped up suddenly. “But I think my brother might.”

Her eyes found mine and we both realized what we needed to do. We needed to talk to him again. And while by now it felt almost frivolous, since every conversation we had with Bellamy ended up with him lying, but I couldn't come up with another option. Anyway, this time, there would be no hesitation for either of us. Our people were killed. We were ready to be ruthless. I turned to Lexa and she, too, seemed to know what we wanted.

“How do you know Bellamy will not try to fool you again?” Lexa asked both of us.

“We’ll make sure he won’t this time,” I told her fiercely, my eyes not leaving hers. She searched my bright blue ones as if to read my confidence. Everyone else seemed to be doubtful as well. To try to alleviate some of their worry, I explained, “We have to try this. For Achilles. For everyone else that we have lost.

“We will use any tactics we can,” Octavia added sternly, her face looking red and angry. She seemed to have lost her empathy for her brother. “Nothing would be too harsh.”

“Let them try, Heda,” Oriana begged Lexa grimly. “It cannot hurt. And I would like to see someone pay right now.”

Lexa’s eyes locked in with mine again and she said, "Do it." She turned to the guards and commanded, "Separate him from the others. Bring him to a location so that no one else hears him. Go move Blake into the dungeons. Clarke and Octavia will meet you there soon. Clarke, can I speak to you privately before you go to the dungeons?”

I felt my heart beat faster when she voiced my name. I immediately nodded and followed her to an empty room and she closed the door. I was anxious, not knowing if she was going to yell at me for wanting to talk to Bellamy again or kiss me since we were so unkindly interrupted. Instead, she surprisingly closed the space between us and grasped my hand. She intertwined our fingers together and squeezed them.

“We do not have time to… continue what we had started. But I just wanted to remind you that I am here for you. And that… and that I do not regret what I did. What _we_ did.”

I wished that everything was different. I wished that I hadn’t just learned about the attack. I wished I could press her against the wall, kiss her with everything I had, and explore her whole body. I wished I wasn’t angry and that I could just feel _this_. Feel _her_. It made me hate Skaikru that much more.

I tugged her hand and brought her palm to my lips, kissing it gently. She gaped at me, as if the small action stunned her.

“I don’t regret it either,” I reassured her and kissed her hand again. “I just want this to be over. So we can focus on _us_.”

“Then let us end this. Together. We must come to terms with the very likely possibility that we will have to fight with those who had escaped. And that they will not surrender.”

“I know,” I told her honestly, hating the pessimistic words that were about to fall out of my mouth. “That’s the outcome I predict as well.”

* * *

 Rome led us into the darkest dungeon I had ever been in (not that I had been in that many dungeons in my lifetime). It was _creepy,_ to say the least. Octavia and I shared worried glances several times. It wasn’t as if I felt unsafe, rather, I felt unsettled. Like we were walking into a trap. This anxiety only increased once we started to hear this odd sound. As we neared the end of the dungeon where Bellamy was being held, we heard a maniacal, somewhat bitter, laugh.

And then we saw him. He was chained to the ground with two guards standing behind him, watching him intently, like they were ready to pounce on him. Grinning from ear to ear like he had just won a prize, I noticed that blood trickled out of his mouth. The people who had brought him down here must have beaten him up a little. I didn’t blame them.

“I knew you two would come,” Bellamy said coldly once we approached him, sending a shiver down my spine. His voice somehow sounded different. More shrilled like he was something else entirely. “You both can’t help it. Close you two are now, aren’t you? Grounder lovers. Grounder fuckers.”

Octavia almost lunged toward him, but I held her back. Attacking him was going to have to have to be a tactic for later. Besides, he was just trying to rile us up. I wouldn't let any of his words get to me.

“And you must have the moral high ground then, huh? You haven’t fucked any of our people so that makes you what? Better? I’m sorry you haven’t gotten laid in years, Bell, but becoming a killer because of it--”

He tried to jump to get to me, but the chains caused him to stay back and fall. It was my turn to laugh now.

“See, you’re chained and we are free. I think that gives us the higher ground, don’t you think, O?”

She nodded and added, “We’re also not disgusting genocidal maniacs, so… I think that gives us some extra points.”

Bellamy shook his head and muttered, “You say this like neither of you have killed before. Both of you are killers.”

“Right, but we have this thing called regret,” I defended angrily. “We were teenagers stuck in a war we didn’t want to be in. You’re an adult now, Bellamy, in a world that offered peace. But you shit on that offer and decided to play serial killer some more. Aren’t you a little too old to keep playing these games? Don’t you just want to rest?”

“But there’s just so much left to do, Clarke,” He replied with a smile on his face again. “There are so many more of you to kill. Who’d we get? Someone you know? Someone you care about? I sure hope it wasn’t someone like Indra or Lincoln--”

_Slap._

Bellamy spat out the blood and his cheek reddened from Octavia’s hard hit.

“What the hell happened to you, big brother? Was this hatred inside of you this whole time or did Pike just bring it out of you? What happened to the man who infiltrated Mount Weather to save our people and the grounders? What happened to the man who worked alongside Lincoln because he knew that I trusted and loved him? Why are you like this, Bell?”

He remained silent before yelling, “I am like this because they killed Gina! Because they killed my friends and family and the people that we used to call _our_ people. Because they lie and lie and make us look like fools.”

Fury filled me up with all of the reasons why he was wrong. “I hate to break it to you, Bellamy, but we did the same thing to them. _We_ invaded _them_. They had the right to defend their land. And even though we invaded them, for years they have offered us peace. All groups or clans do the same things to protect their people, Bell. The same thing happened with the countries on this planet years ago. There were always wars. Historically, it seemed inevitable. But Lexa has given us a chance to stop fighting. Why can't you accept the peace?”

“I can’t stop now,” He told us, almost sadly. “It’s too late to stop. We created the chaos, Clarke. And we are going to thrive on it. In my death, I will know more of you will be dying. It gives my life meaning.”

“Who the hell said you were going to die?”

He laughed again and shook his head in disbelief. “You think I’m going to survive this? If you two won’t kill me, someone else will. You think you can create an ethical society, Clarke, but you can’t. These people are wired for violence and vengeance. I’ll be dead in no time. Though, that thought probably gives you both pleasure.”

Octavia and I shared a look. Neither of us wanted him to die before. But now…

“So you planned for them to escape,” Octavia changed the subject suddenly as if she remembered that there was information that we still needed to get out of him. “Throw the explosive at the Commander and then have some of your people run away. That must have been planned out. You must know where they are hiding. Tell us where they are.”

“Why do you think I would ever do that?”

I shrugged and said, “Maybe I can give you a faster death. Or maybe, if you don’t, I can assure you that you won’t die. Hell, I'll be your guard for the rest of your life. So you’d live alone and watch as we continued to live and you’d just become a shell of a person. Oh, and O knows a lot about pain. We could torture you for hours.”

He looked down at the ground and started to laugh again. “Don’t you see? I don’t care anymore. We’re going to hurt you. There aren’t just three of them. There are more of us out there. And we’re going to tear you apart.”

Octavia and I shared a look and both of us knew that we needed to go and tell the others. We both started to run.

* * *

 “There are more of them out there?” Lexa asked as Octavia and I shared the information we learned with only her and Indra. At our nods, she said, “They must have sent people out before the surrender.”

“I thought we cut off the head of the snake,” Indra muttered under her breath furiously. “And yet we keep getting bit.”

Lexa shook her head, letting down her resolve for a few seconds to show how genuinely worried she was. “You two go eat and take a break. I will tell the rest of the clans.”

I wanted to stay and make sure that she was okay, but it seemed like she wanted us to leave. Octavia and I both left her and Indra and headed toward the cafeteria. Once we entered, Monty waived us down. After grabbing food, we joined him, Harper, and Raven at a table they were sitting at.

“We heard that you two were going to see Bellamy,” Raven said as we sat down.

Octavia nodded and said, “Oh, we saw him. He didn’t tell us anything that would have been of any help. Except that there are more of them out there.”

“No!” Harper gasped, looking horrified. “Why does this keep happening?”

All of us shrugged, there being no answer to her question.

My attention turned to Monty who looked like he had a revelation.

I questioned him, “Are you okay? Did you realize something?”

“Could you two get me a meeting with the Commander?” He asked us with hope drowning his words.

Octavia and I shared a look of confusion. She told him, “We probably could, but why would you want one?”

“If we want someone to tell us where the rest of Skaikru is hiding, we still have to ask someone that is Skaikru. Preferably someone that was close with Bellamy and Pike. My mother. I think I could convince her.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. I couldn’t imagine that he could have better luck than Octavia with Bellamy, but then again, I’d try anything at this point.

“Monty, are you sure you’d want to do that?” Harper asked her husband with concern in her facial expressions and voice. “You haven’t spoken to your mom in years. She-- she tried to use you, baby.”

“I know,” He told her as he squeezed her hand appreciatively. “And I know it’s a slim shot. But I’ll live with regret if I don’t try. She hasn’t seen me in years. She doesn’t know how _good_ my life has been turning out. Can you at least let me try?”

Neither Octavia or I had a problem with him talking with his mother. It couldn’t hurt, and we told him so.

Once that was settled, Octavia turned to Raven and asked, “Have you gone to see Luna yet? I’m sure we can let her know that you’re looking for her if you want us to.”

Monty and Harper immediately raised their eyebrows as if they were surprised that Octavia had brought up that topic and turned to each other so that they didn’t have to be apart of the conversation any longer. The mechanic glared at the warrior and I felt out of the loop.

“No, Blake. I haven’t,” She told Octavia coldly. “Do not talk to her. I do not feel the need to talk to her at all.”

“What are you guys talking about?” I asked them curiously.

Their eyes didn’t leave each other. It was like a battle of the wills and I had no idea what the hell they were fighting over.

“Wanheda,” Roan called over as he entered the room. “Heda desires your and Octavia’s presence. Will you both follow me?”

Though annoyed that I still didn’t get to find out what was happening with Raven, both of us stood up.

I turned to Monty and said, “Come with us. We’ll just bring you to her.”

I didn’t know how Lexa would react to this idea, but it was worth a shot. And I was sure she’d want to find the easiest solution to this problem with the least amount of casualties as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, not too much Clexa. Do not fear! More Clexa coming soon! 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading! Review and tell me what you think!


	27. i can't wait for love to destroy us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monty speaks with his mother and the aftermath.

I couldn’t read the emotions or reactions coming from Lexa as the three of us tried to explain to her why we thought Monty talking with his mother could have been a good idea. Though, coming from Lexa, the unreadable looks weren't really new. Once we were done with trying to convince her, we waited for a reply with anticipation.

After what seemed like a long inner debate with herself, she answered, “I am willing to let you try, Monty kom Strikru. But this will not save her from the trials.”

The three of us sighed with relief. Even Monty seemed glad, despite what Lexa told him.

“I understand that, Commander,” He told her honestly. “I never expected this to be a get out of jail free card.”

Lexa furrowed her eyebrows at him, confused at the reference.

Trying to alleviate her confusion, I explained, “It’s a saying our people have said for years, Heda. He’s just saying that he knows nothing will change if his mother reveals information to us.”

She nodded and replied, “Good. Are you ready to speak to her now? We do not have any time to waste. This must happen now if we are going to do it.”

“Why?” Octavia asked her.

Lexa paused for a few seconds as if she was debating telling us she was in such a hurry. But then she confessed, “The other clans are looking for blood. They are willing to send search parties for the remaining Skaikru. They will be slaughtered. And I have also heard rumblings about killing those imprisoned.”

“But you’re _Heda_ ,” Octavia countered before I could say anything.

“Our people are looking for vengeance, Octavia,” Lexa explained sadly. “Not even I will be able to stop them when they start seeing red.”

“Then let’s do it,” Monty assured her. “What can we do to hurry this along?”

Lexa turned to the girl next to me and commanded, “Octavia, go tell Rome to come here. And then find Raven and ask her to bring her… speaking small device.”

“Microphone? Got it!” Octavia accepted and ran out of the room.

“You will have to go in alone, Monty,” Lexa told him sternly, but not without sympathy. “But we will listen to you with the recording device. She will be moved into a separate room so that no one hears. Afterward, she will be moved from her group cell to a cell of her own.”

“Why?” Monty asked, not following her logic very well.

Knowing that Lexa could sometimes be tactless, I interrupted, “Because whether or not your mom tells us anything at all, Skaikru will think that she did. They might want to hurt her because of it. L— the Commander— is trying to keep her safe.”

“Oh,” Monty muttered, coming to that harsh realization. “Oh. Thank you, Commander.”

“Heda!” Rome said once he opened the door. “Octavia said that you wish to see me.”

“Heda, what is going on?” Titus asked as he soon followed him into the room. “Are you making plans that you have not discussed with me or the other—“

“I do not follow your orders any longer, Titus,” Lexa stated firmly, her eyes staying far away from his as if she couldn't handle seeing his disappointment.

“Heda, let us speak in private—“

“No! I am Heda and I decide when we will speak. I will meet with you later, Titus. But I have important matters to attend to.”

He bitterly nodded and left the room. It now felt cold in the room after he left. No one really knew what to say.

“Rome, go get Thisbe and Nero. Take prisoner 007 into the dungeon where Blake was put into some time ago. When you are done, send one of you back here to await my orders.”

Rome nodded and ran off. That left the three of us alone in the room.

“Are you okay?” I asked Monty curiously, trying to get a right feel if he was in the right mind to be doing this.”

He nodded and answered, “This is something that has to be done. I felt like I was going to have to have to face her at some point. Might as well be now and use it for good.”

“Your actions are admirable,” Lexa told him. “It is not easy facing your family.”

“No,” he agreed mournfully. “It’s not. But if it saves our people… it will all be worth it.”

Before I could reply, the door opened and Raven entered the room. “I have the microphone! Octavia didn’t tell me why, she just told me to—“

“Monty _is_ going to talk to his mom,” I interrupted, explaining it to her. “We need him to go alone, but we also need to hear what she says.”

“Ah,” Raven muttered in understanding. “Okay, Monty. Let’s get this on you, then, shall we?”

She placed the speaker where the audio played out of onto a table and then helped Monty place the wire on his chest underneath his clothes.

“There you go,” Raven said and then turned to Lexa. “Is there anything else you need me to do?”

Lexa shook her head and told her, “No, thank you, Raven. You can stay if you wish.”

Raven nodded and we all turned our heads toward the door once it opened again, this time with Thisbe and Octavia coming inside.

“The prisoner is ready, Heda,” Thisbe informed Lexa with a small bow of her head.

“Good. Take Monty with you to the dungeon. He is allowed as much time there as he needs. Only allow one guard inside with him,” Lexa ordered simply.

Thisbe nodded and turned to Monty, waiting for him when he was ready. I gave him a reassuring smile and hug and then Raven did the same. Once he turned back to Thisbe, she swiftly led Monty out of the room.

“I can’t imagine how hard this is going to be for him,” Raven murmured once the four of us sat down and turned on the speaker. “This was so hard on him four years ago. His mother tried to convince him to become Skaikru. He had a hard time resisting. She’s his mom and he thought that he lost her. But then the slaughter happened and he didn’t hesitate to leave.”

“He is strong,” Lexa commented. “Not many find the courage to truly disobey their families.”

Her words caused everyone to go silent, into deep thought. And it remained silent until words started coming out of the speaker.

 _“Monty?”_ His mother asked, her voice wavering. _“Monty, what are you doing here? Why did you bring me here.”_

_“How many of our people have you killed, Mom? And for what? Revenge? Isn’t it time to stop the killing? You’re locked up. There can finally be peace for us now.”_

She paused for a few seconds before replying, _“You look so much older, Monty. You are a man, now. Your father—“_

 _“Dad would be ashamed of you,”_ Monty stated firmly. _“You think that you are avenging his death when you are really just committing murder. How is that right?”_

_“I did what I had to do to stay alive.”_

_“I’m alive and I haven’t directly killed a single person. So use different logic, Mom, because yours is insufficient.”_

_“Pike, he was our leader. He kept so many of us safe. I owed everything to him.”_

_“And you owe nothing to me? Your own son? You and your people have slaughtered my friends. You have killed innocent people.”_

_“They have too—"_

_“Of course they have!_ We _intruded their land! Of course they killed some of us. But then they offered peace and you still refused to accept it. I’ve been in peace for years. The only bloodshed has come from_ you. _”_

She made a sniffling sound and it became clear that she was crying. I wasn’t surprised, her son wasn’t going easy on her. Which was a good thing.

_“What is it that you want me to do, Monty?”_

_“I want you to be my mother for once and help me! Tell me where the rest of them are hiding.”_

_“I can’t. Monty… that plan… I just can’t give it up. It’s our last chance.”_

_“And this is_ your _last chance to be a good mother. Please, Mom. Let me get some peace. I will be in danger until they are imprisoned. Don’t you understand that? Your son will be in danger. Your son’s wife will be in danger. And so will your grandchild.”_

Monty’s mom gasped and said, _“You have a child?”_

 _“Harper is expecting,”_ Monty told her. _“Here, I have a picture.”_ He must have passed it to her.

_“You have a beautiful family, my baby boy. I’m so sorry. You're right, you know. Your father would be ashamed. He was killed because he refused to fight. Maybe he did something right. They’re in the caves. Near the red valley. You know, the ones we used to explore? They are there.”_

_“How many of them are there?”_

_“Eighteen. They all have weapons and explosives. They will take down as many people as possible.”_

_“Thank you, Mom.”_

_“Wait— son. Just wait a second. I know you can’t let me go. But can you… can you at least visit from time to time? Bring Harper and your child? I have a feeling I don’t have much more time on this planet.”_

Monty was quiet for a few seconds before responding. _“I’ll visit you when I can.”_

_“I love you, Monty.”_

He didn’t say it back to her. The audio feed went static, saying that he turned his microphone off.

I turned to Lexa, Octavia, and Raven. He did it. He found out where they were. 

* * *

The plan was simple. Once we found out where Skaikru was hiding, Lexa gathered all the clans together to create a plan of action. Warriors for every clan volunteered to go to the caves, knowing that many would be lost during the fight. Even with the mixing of our cultures, grounders still refused to use guns. Which was admirable, but difficult when they were up against soldiers who used firearms.

Raven sent the warriors with some sort of gas and masks, just in case something went wrong. She even offered to send them with explosives that she and Sinclair had built, but the warriors refused. They wanted to handle this battle like they would before Skaikru came along. Before we arrived at Earth.

Indra brought a walkie-talkie with her so that she could inform Lexa when it was over. And while it would calm our nerves sooner knowing when it was over, I knew we would anxiously and obsessively listen to that walkie-talkie.

Leaders from all the clans stood around almost silently in the war room in anticipation. There were a few mumbles occasionally, but they usually ended as fast as they started.

I had one hand in Octavia’s hand and the other in Raven’s. The three of us weren’t leaders of the Strikru clan, but we belonged there and everyone knew it. Mom and Kane were there, too, holding each other in a small corner of the room. I wanted to spend my time in Lexa’s arms, but I knew I couldn’t. We couldn’t let anyone know about our budding… relationship. At least, not now. Not when things were so new and fresh.

Octavia’s knee was bouncing up and down aggressively. I could tell she wanted to be there. She wanted to fight with the other warriors against Skaikru. I was honestly surprised when she decided not to go. I could tell that it was hurting her not to be there.

“It’s okay,” I whispered to her gently. “No one blames you for not being there.”

“I know,” She replied solemnly. “No one would blame me. I blame myself. I know that I couldn’t have gone. I have too much here to live for. But I… I’m still a warrior. At least I used to be.”

I frowned. She thought she was losing her identity. “O, just because you aren’t jumping to joining the fight doesn’t mean you aren’t a warrior. You just understand what fights you should and should not be apart of. That’s wisdom, Octavia.”

Raven nodded in agreement. “You are still the beloved Skairipa that children idolize. Young girls still copy your hairstyle and smokey eyes. Just because you aren’t the bringer of death from the sky doesn’t mean you aren’t a warrior. Oktevia kom Trikru is a name everyone knows and respects. That hasn’t changed.”

I could see the tears bubble up in Octavia’s eyes as she nodded. “I just couldn’t go. Not when I thought about Aurora and Lincoln. Love is my weakness.”

“Love is everyone’s weakness,” I told her with a shrug. “That doesn’t mean it’s necessarily a bad thing. It keeps us human.”

“I never thought I would have this,” Octavia confessed quietly. “A husband, a daughter, friends. I was used to being alone for so long that I thought being a warrior would be the only thing that would mean something to me. But now I have everything. And that… that’s so much to lose.”

“Well, you won’t lose us,” I promised her as I squeezed her hand lovingly.

“Yeah, O. You’re stuck with us, unfortunately. Sorry about that.” Raven joked with a tight grin on her face.

I snickered and argued, “Hey, I think we’re great people to be stuck with! A little broken, maybe. But who isn’t.”

“Speak for yourself, Princess,” Raven said and flipped her hair comedically. “I’ve never been broken.”

“Raven,” A voice called from behind us. We all turned around to find Luna standing there, staring at the girl at my side with wonder and sadness.

“Maybe a little broken,” Raven muttered under her breath. She cleared her throat and raised her voice. “Luna… how are you?”

“I miss you,” Luna said very matter-of-factly. Like she didn’t give a damn who heard her. “I know you did not want to join Floukru, but you could still visit.”

Raven looked hollow. She seemed like she didn’t know how to respond to her. Knowing that Raven wasn’t going to say anything, I said, “Maybe after this, there will be peace and you and your people can return here.”

Luna’s eyes flashed to mine and curiosity seemed to flood her features. “Wanheda--”

“Clarke,” I interrupted with a small smile. “Call me Clarke.”

“ _Clarke_ , do you really think the fighting will be over when Skaikru is finished? There was fighting _before_ you all came along.”

“But Lexa has changed everything,” I argued passionately, the words clinging to my throat, not giving up on my beliefs. “She wants there to be peace too.”

Luna nodded as if she was giving me credit for my view. “Yes, Lexa has changed. But she does not have the ability to change everyone else. She is one woman out of thousands.”

“She’s the Commander,” Octavia pointed out.

“Commanders never last that long,” Luna said darkly. At the cold stares that both Octavia and I sent in her direction, she added, “I apologize. I did not come here to argue or share my pessimist views. It is good that you have faith in your Commander. She is a remarkable woman. But I do not think she could accomplish everything that you wish.”

“Lincoln thinks the world of you, Luna,” Octavia told her and I could hear the anger that submerged in her throat. “He thinks it’s incredible what you have accomplished. But isn’t it time to fight _here_? Where you can finally have a voice and an audience.”

“You might have a point, Octavia. I think the world of Lincoln as well. You have the same fire as him. I understand why he has chosen you.” She turned back to Raven and said, “You are welcome with us anytime, Raven. Please visit me before I leave.”

She walked away to have a conversation with someone of her clan across the room. I stared at Raven, expecting an explanation. She shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal.

“No,” I stated with a touch of anger. “Don’t just shrug, Raven. What the hell was that? Were you two…”

“No,” Raven said with a shake of her head. “No, it was nothing like that.”

“Yes, it was,” Octavia countered as she rolled her eyes. She turned to and informed me, “When Luna first visited three years ago, Raven was nice to her. Which sort of stunned Luna since… well… she isn’t very liked around here. They had this sudden connection. For the week that Luna was here, they rarely spent it apart. But then Luna had to go home. She invited Raven to go with her.”

I raised my eyebrows, surprised by how intense their short term relationship sounded. It wasn’t like Raven tended to let people in, so it showed how close they were for her to have done that.

The mechanic glared at the warrior and said, “I didn’t want to live on a boat. And it wasn’t like… it wasn’t like we were ready to drop everything for each other. We understood each other. That doesn’t mean that I loved her or that she loved me. We had a week together.”

“It didn’t take me that long to love Lincoln,” Octavia admitted to her friend. “I mean, it wasn’t _immediate_. But the connection we had… it quickly turned into love.”

Raven snorted and mentioned, “Not everyone has the whirlwind starcrossed romance that you and lover boy have. And not everyone has the angsty tension that Clarke and Lexa has.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “Don’t compare yourself to me! I was just annoyed that you didn’t tell me.”

“Fine,” Raven gave in and threw her arms up in the air. “Next time I fuck someone I’ll tell you first.”

Before Octavia and I could reply, the walkie-talkie in the middle of the room started creating a static noise and then Indra’s voice rang out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for all the cliff hangers! But I do so enjoy them! :)
> 
> There are not too many more chapters of this story :(
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think!


	28. make this go on forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things continue...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH guys this is the last chapter before the epilogue!

_“Commander, it’s over. All eighteen of them are dead. Only a few of ours perished in the fight. We are coming home.”_

The words rang in my ears over and over again until my brain processed them. The war was over. _It was over._ After a few seconds of silence, the room erupted in cheering and happy grunting. Raven, surprising both me and Octavia, pulled the us into a group hug. They brought me so much comfort that I couldn’t imagine living without them.

It was slightly odd, I realized, that we were thrilled about a group of people’s death that we used to try to protect and call our own. It showed how much things have changed. How much I have changed.

“Commander,” Roan called out to the woman my eyes focused on once my friends and I had pulled apart. “What do we do now?”

Even though he spoke to her, Lexa looked directly at me. She was good at hiding her emotions, but I could tell that she was thankful that this was all over too. And like me, she understood that we could finally start to move on.

“We sleep, King of Azgeda. Our warriors will not arrive home until sunrise. Let us sleep until then. It is time for us to rest after fighting for so long. We can discuss future plans when the sun rises.”

I could tell that everyone was thankful for her orders. Tonight was the kind of time to spend with loved ones or family. I just wanted to spend the night with my kids. And Lexa.

Leaders scattered out of the room faster than I had expected.

Luna approached us and she smiled gently before saying, “Maybe I was wrong. Maybe there is hope yet for peace. I have never seen leaders this excited about peace. This excited about winning a fight, yes I have seen such a thing, but creating peace… it is quite extraordinary.”

“Maybe I can talk with Lexa about opening more up to Floukru,” I told her honestly.

She smiled graciously and gave me a slight nod. “I would appreciate that, Clarke. How long have you and the Commander loved each other?”

I raised my eyebrows as Raven and Octavia shared bouts of laughter. I shoved both of them before replying, “Oh, well, we aren’t… it’s complicated.”

Luna nodded with understanding and commented, “Ah, I see. That is what Raven said about both of us. I think that is an excuse for knowing what you want but being too afraid to try to attain it.” She turned to Raven and said, “I know what I want.”

She walked away leaving us stunned. could see Raven going through a range of different emotions all at once.

“Go, Raven,” I told her as I nudged her shoulder. “If you want her, go after her.”

“We’re not telling you that you have to go marry her,” Octavia added thoughtfully. “But you deserve happiness, Reyes. And even if it’s for a night, you should have what you want. No one said that you can’t visit each other in the future. If you want this, you can figure this out.”

Raven turned to look at us with tears in her eyes. “Do you really think I can do this? I’ve never been good at this kind of thing.”

“You can do this,” I promised her with a reassuring smile.

Her lips curved upwards and she let out a soft chuckle before running out of the room to find the girl she had feelings for.

“I’m proud of her,” Octavia whispered as she bumped my shoulder lovingly. “But now it’s your turn.” She moved her head in the direction of Lexa, who was speaking with Oriana.

I nodded, but told her, “I need to be with Jakob and Axia, though. I need to spend some time with them before I give my heart to her.”

“I understand,” She told me honestly. “Let’s go see them. And tell Lincoln the good news.” 

* * *

“It feels almost surreal,” Lincoln mentioned as Octavia cooed at her daughter and I checked to make sure all of Jakob and Axia’s limbs were still there in the right place.

I spent the last couple of weeks with all of my attention on justice and surviving that I felt like I had left them. But now that things seemed like they had the possibility of slowing down, I felt like I could truly be there for them. Be the parent that Niylah would have wanted me to be.

“Yes, it does,” I agreed with him as Jakob passed his sister little clay figurines that Murphy had lent us. “But let me give you two some time alone. Lincoln, once again, I can’t thank you enough for looking after my children. It means the world to me.”

Lincoln smiled and shook his head like it wasn’t a big deal. “Your children are wonderful, Clarke. And I should be thanking you for what you have done for us. This war has ended, and I know a lot of it has to do with you. Everyone should be thanking you.”

“And that doesn’t even cover what you have done for me,” Octavia added brightly. “You don’t run away from my crazy antics.”

“Never,” I promised her with a grin before I picked both of my kids up. “Thank you both again. I’ll see you in the morning.”

* * *

I felt like I could breathe once Axia and Jakob fell asleep on their respective bed and crib in my bedroom. They looked so peaceful, like they had no idea what had happened in the last couple of weeks.

At the sharp knock on my door, I got up and opened it. Lexa was standing there, in a sleeping gown of sorts, with her hair tied up with wisps of it tracing her face. She stood there with what seemed like uncertainty, like she didn’t know if she should be here or not.

Wordlessly, I moved to the side so that she could enter. As if she was afraid of creating too much commotion, she silently sat down on the corner of my bed.

“I want to just kiss you,” I told her as I slowly approached her. I placed my hand on her shoulder and traced my fingers gently along her skin. “But I know that we should talk about everything.”

Her eyes seemed to widen (like she was surprised that I still wanted her) and her lips separated.

“Yes,” she agreed quietly. “We should talk.”

I stared at her lips for a few seconds and then leaned over and pressed my mouth against hers. She let out a warm moan and the sound sent an inviting shiver down my spine. I wanted her and I knew that I always would.

“We can talk tomorrow,” I commented simply once I pulled away from her, my lips buzzing and my heart thumping.

“There is always tomorrow,” She agreed lazily as we moved further on the bed and pulled down the sheets. She put her lips back onto mine and I held her body closer to mine. There was no way I would ever let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys. I hope this ending isn't too abrupt. I love this story and I love Clexa and I hope that you all have enjoyed what I have been able to give you.


	29. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The future.

The warriors returned with battle scars and hundreds of stories to tell. Most of the legends were filled with their heroism and the cowardice of Skaikru. The event made some change their minds about the trials, arguing that if the eighteen were killed, the others could be too. This led to arguments and debates and lots of shouting from both sides. But Lexa was the loudest and she demanded to be heard.

Trials were carried out in the next following weeks. Almost everyone was given a life sentence. Except for Bellamy, who earned a thousand lashes and death for every victim that was killed on his and Pike’s orders. It wasn’t a choice that I was particularly fond of, but I wasn't making them, the people were. I also understood that changes had to occur in small steps. And I couldn't deny that it was the justice that the clans still needed.

Octavia and I spent the day of his execution with Axia, Jakob, Aurora, and Raven. I knew the day would be harder for Octavia, so we spent it doing whatever she wanted. She stayed strong, but it was obvious that his death was affecting her. After talking to Lexa about it, we were able to secretly bury him, allowing Octavia to get some peace from it all. I knew she visited him from time to time.

Lexa was understanding about the parts of me that were solemn about Bellamy. I hated who he became, but I missed who he was. I knew he deserved to die, but I knew that who he used to be died much earlier. The stubborn boy who would have given up all he had to save his sister. The boy who helped me save the other delinquents. She held me that night when I cried for the young ally who became lost in the chaos and violence.

Luna stayed in Polis for a few weeks. Raven followed her around like a puppy dog, and I enjoyed seeing a softer side of her. She seemed truly happy with her, and I couldn’t be more excited for her. I had gotten to know Luna and was sad to see her have to leave. But she left with better relations with the clans and in a healthy relationship with Raven. I saw Luna quite often as she and Raven would visit each other frequently.

After Murphy and Emori had gotten used to their new normal being reunited and happy, they slowly integrated into my group with Octavia, Lincoln, Raven, Monty, and Harper. If there was nothing to talk about, we could always discuss our kids. And as much as Raven complained, she couldn’t deny how much she loved being all of the kids’ aunt.

Roan and I took long walks together. We shared similar hopes for the future of the clans and we could always talk about our losses. He was the King of Azgeda, he was always busy, but he always seemed to carve out time for me when he spent time in Polis. I admired him, and he truly became a great friend and ally.

After the trials, the clans and their leaders started leaving Polis without having anything to do or fight. The talks about peace were constant, but there weren’t too many people that were trying to fight it anymore. There were small disputes, but nothing that we couldn’t handle. Lexa even started shifting some of her power onto other people. She was still Heda, but she recognized that she didn’t need complete power. I could tell her mood shifted once some of the powers were passed onto people that she trusted. It was like she could finally breathe.

Octavia continued to train me even though half of the time we ended our sessions in giggles because together we were idiots. I also spent a lot of time with Aden training, just as he spent a lot of time with me, Lexa, and the kids at night when we ate together. He somehow fit perfectly into our dysfunctional family. He was also me and Lexa’s biggest supporter (maybe other than Octavia).

Lexa and I had to keep things quiet for a long period of time. Especially during the trials, we couldn’t allow anyone to find out about our relationship. I was afraid that they would say that I was using her to get the outcomes that I desired. For about six months, only a few people were aware of our relationship: Octavia (which meant Lincoln as well), Raven, my mom, Aden, and Monty. Though I was pretty sure that people close to us like Roan also knew.

She would sneak into my room at night (and sometimes Octavia would take the kids so that we could have privacy to do other things) and during the day, I became a trusted advisor, so I was allowed a good amount of time with her. I genuinely did advise her, though I gradually lost the desire to lead. I didn’t feel like I needed to. With mom and Kane as leaders of Strikru and Lexa (and trusted others) leading with grace and civility, I didn’t feel the need to lead as I did during the war against Skaikru or when we first landed all those years ago.

When I wasn’t advising, I worked side by side with Octavia and Lincoln as we settled disputes with clans (specifically Strikru). I soon learned that the couple was respected almost everywhere we went. Which surprised me, since years ago I knew how bitter grounders were about being with people from the sky. It gave me hope about a future with Lexa.

On the one day I decided to sleep in and share the morning with Lexa in her bed, everything changed. Titus walked in on us laughing and snuggling and being _us_ for once. He didn’t even seem surprised, but then he started lecturing her. He told Lexa that she was ruining her future by being with me. That set her off.

I learned that Lexa initially stopped taking his advice once he had found out years ago that she had feelings for me. That I was the reason she changed how she thought about politics and morals. I felt guilty that I was the reason that she stopped listening to him (especially since I realized that he was as close to a father figure as anyone could be for her) but she reassured me that she would choose me over him every time.

“Ai nou na teik yu gon we nowe,” She reminded me when he left and she kissed my neck lovingly.

I could tell that she was waiting for me to say ‘I love you’ first. Being with her was so effortless and wonderful because she never attempted to push me. She knew that it was hard for me to move on and love her after loving my wife for so long.

I loved Niylah. She was exactly who I needed at the time and gave me beautiful children. I loved her. But the love I had for her couldn’t compare to the sheer adoration, passion, and love I felt for the Commander.

“Ai hod yu in,” I whispered gently as I nuzzled my head into her neck, embracing her comfort and support.

She let out a humble chuckle and replied, “And I you, Clarke. Nothing could compare to the feelings I have for you, ai hodnes.”

It didn’t take a genius to find out that Titus ‘let it slip’ that Heda was in love with Wanheda. We were expecting a storm of opposition only to find showers of support and admiration. There were a few traditionalists who worried about the Commander having a mate, but it seemed like not too many were surprised by our relationship.

Things somehow eased domestically from there. Jakob was now old enough to sleep in a sort of dormitory with the other natblida and children his age and Axia (along with Aurora) joined fellow infants and toddlers in their own separate part of the high tower. That was when I officially moved in with Lexa in her room.

The bonding ceremony seemed inevitable, and yet it felt like it was of little importance. Our love was so much more than markings on our skin. But it was important to Lexa, so I followed along. She laughed when I told her about weddings that took place in the sky and on earth before the apocalypse. She asked if I wanted to have a wedding like one in the sky, but I told her no. I wanted her to have what she wanted.

The ceremony was small, but peaceful. The larger ‘party’ occurred later when people from all clans arrived to see the history that was being made. We danced the night of the ceremony and I don’t think my smile ever faltered.

“You look happy, Clarke,” She said as we fell into the steady rhythm of the song. She stared at me, with those intense eyes of hers, as if she was trying to depict every emotion that ran across my face.

“I am,” I told her honestly as I rubbed my fingers over her raised skin where the symbol of our love was etched. Two circles (one for me and one for Lexa) overlapping each other, a larger triangle for Aden, and two smaller triangles for Axia and Jakob. There was also room for more. “That’s mostly because of you.”

Lexa let out a small chuckle (an occurrence which was once a rarity but now took place almost hourly). “I think we both can share the credit for our happiness.”

“You’re a sap, Lexa,” I told her gently as I placed my head on her shoulder as we continued to sway to the music.

“Yes, Raven tells me this, too,” She mentioned and kissed my forehead. “She believes that you have turned me into, what Raven calls, a ‘softie.’ Which is odd. I have fought in too many battles to be soft.”

I laughed and replied, “She means that you are caring, Lex. She knows that you can be tough and caring.”

She nodded and said, “I think that you have made me strong, Clarke. I was wrong before. Hodnes laik uf.”

Tears entered my eyes, feeling almost overwhelmed with how much I loved her.

I confessed, “I’m so glad that we kept fighting, Lexa. I’m glad we fought for each other.”

“It was our only possible future, Clarke. Osir keryon ste teina.”

It was the kind of thing I wouldn’t have believed when I was younger. It sounded almost like a fairytale. But I knew that it wasn’t. We had gone through too much hell for our relationship to be like a story. But we didn’t need a fairytale. Not when we finally got our happy ending.

“I love you, Lexa. Feva en otaim.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ai nou na teik yu gon we nowe = I am never going to let you go  
> Hodnes laik uf = love is strength  
> Osir keryon ste teina = our souls are entwined  
> Feva en otaim = forever and always
> 
> Hey, Clexakru! Thank you so much for reading this story and supporting me through it. It's been an absolute blast, and I hope you all enjoyed the ending.


End file.
